Uri wrote on 03 Sep 2009 22:23:


Okay, Uri. After going back and forth on this one, I decided to volunteer and join you in your struggle in that specific area.
Only for you. But it's up to you to teach me the tricks of the trade

Shmilu wrote on 03 Sep 2009 22:39:


im confused.
u mean you are struggling also with us?
join me with what?

I can only talk for myself,

The only problem I had with girls was via chat rooms & that was a while ago another addiction I had to deal with.

But no Sexual relationships.

I thank Hashem I never crossed that line.

That's where P**rn came into the pic., I acted out my imaginations that way so that I didn't go further down the dumps.

I used it as an excuse not to fall even lower.

But they say that it doesn't stop there.

So I'm Happy to say that I reached the Bottom while still on top to the point that I didn't go as low as Sexual relations to girls or women.

P.S.

Just to make a point that I'm sure everyone knows, but its a Yesod (Foundation) to this struggle of ours.

If we control our triggers right at the very begining of it we have a huge chance of not falling.

I realized that if I was able to look away, click away, turn away, change the strain of thought, within the first few seconds of the smallest or biggest of triggers, I am easily a winner.

It might be difficult, to get oneself to just do it. but its the easiest time to gain control.

After a while it gets second nature & gets easier.

I heard many times before this moshul. Hashem Doesn't expect us when we fell in the Ditch, Hole in the Ground, Dumps to have an easy time getting out of it!

Hashem asks from us why we went back down that road the we know has the dangerous Ditches & Pot Holes.

He knows it might be impossible not to get hurt when we are already on the road, but L'Maan Hashem! when you see that Path with the Quicksand, Turn away & run for your life.

No If's or But's!

And this is our Avodah. To work on ourselves to overcome the first few seconds. After that it's so rewarding that we have the power to go on & on.

E.L.

bs"d
dov wrote on 03 Sep 2009 21:40:


Thank you Dov for writing this. This is (for me at least) such an important thing to hear and remember. I always fall back into this type of fear and it ruins my life.

Dov's post is totally awesome, as usual. I wish I could start a whole chizuk e-mail list just with Dov's responses. They are so profound, deep and beautiful, every one of them. Maybe one day I'll put them all together and make a book called "Dov's Struggle with BDS"

Uri Tzadik, in SA they call masturbation "sex with self", so there really isn't so much difference... Although it seems you struggle not just with lust, but also with a need for emotional closeness (SLAA). The addiction makes us believe we can get this through real people until after the act. Once it's over, we see it for what it really was: "sex with self - with someone else nearby"  )

guardureyes wrote on 04 Sep 2009 09:14:


i totally identify with that.
and, uri, u know ur not alone.
which voice inside of you is saying that you are?
is it a friendly voice? a true real voiced based in reality?

i dont even know what you guys are talking about to be honest  ???
major rants going on always on my thread(like e/o else's i guess)

Im a little nervous going into shabbos.I really do not enjoy it.
How did this come to be :'(
am i so far gone?  :-[

Also,I willnot be posting for a bit in the girls section.
i might read posts but mom and i have decided that i should limit the jokes.
sorry sistas-uri

mom's the best! do whatever she says- even though we love your posts- maybe because we love your posts

we know ur watching, mom toeing the line

O g-d!!
Shabbos is starting in 5 minutes
i havent felt anxiety like this in so long!!
what is happening to me?
im crying :'(

im afraid im gonna break it.
i really cannot do this
it was almost 5 years ago the last time i broke shabbos intentionally.
i turned on my computer and watched a pornographic movie
is that where im headed tonight???
why am i bugging out so much!!!!
whats the big deal??
what is happening to me :'(
i havent davened in 4 days
no tefillin
no talking to G-d
nothing
can i go to shul now?
its too intense for me.
im not ready
i hate elul.
someone please respond.
the sun is soon going to set.
where is my life going?
where is my yiddishkeit going?
am i getting better or am i getting worse??
how come im so addicted to everything but good things
im exhausted already.
maybe i could just sleep until its over
that thought makes me happy
i feel like such a disgusting person
im sorry for being depressing
i love you all and wish you the best shabbos possible and only life and health and beautiful children and sobriety and healing and moshiach and money and a good spouse and love and life and song and dveikus to hashem :'( i wish it for you because i will never get it myself.
shabbos-uri

Get into that shabbos now with simchech before I come down there & give you a beating so that you have a real reson to be down.

That's the Y"H speaking to u! Tell him to shut up & do the right thing

Gut Shabbos

Uri Tzadik, I want to quote here from the book "First day of the rest of my life" by Reb Shraga, who you will hopefully be seeing again this week:

The Rosh Yeshiva is talking to Yerachmiel (Uri):

After a few moments of total silence, I decided to risk a calculated gamble. I asked him if he was angry at himself because of something he did and now regrets. His body language told me I was correct. Before I could get another word out of my mouth, Yerachmiel burst out crying as he murmured “I can’t do this any more! The Rav has no idea how much I tried to stand up to the test and not fall. I thought I would succeed, but in the end the temptation is always stronger than me. Why am I such a bad person? Why is my willpower so weak? Why can’t I ever succeed to overcome my urges, and instead only continue to sink more and more? The Rav is wasting his precious time with me - I am not worth it. The Mashgiach was right when he wanted to throw me out of the Yeshiva. I can’t learn Torah or even put on Teffilin after the things I do. I just want to leave everything - even Judaism!” he blurted out tearfully.

I gave him a few moments to calm down and then I asked: “Tell me Yerachmiel, my dear student, when an army goes out to battle, do they always win? Are there never casualties? People injured? Why do you start with the assumption that you must always win? Who says it needs to be “all or nothing”?

You surely remember what we learned: “There is no Tzadik on earth that does only good and never sins” (Koheles 7:20). Do you think you need to be more righteous than Avraham Avinu and Moshe Rabbeinu, that the Torah tells us that they too sinned?

The notion that you must always succeed actually turns you into easy prey for your Yetzer Hara. Did you ever think about it? Your evil inclination knows you a lot better than you know yourself. He knows your constant yearning for perfection and the high level of self-criticism you subject yourself to. Don’t you see how he is using your good qualities against you?

It is precisely these important qualities that are meant to allow you to grow and flourish, that are causing you to get down on yourself and enter into depression and hopelessness - to the point that you are talking about leaving everything, even Torah and Mitzvos. And why so extreme? Just because your Yetzer won you over a few times?

My dear Yerachmiel, maybe instead of focusing on those times you lost the battle with the Yetzer, we should start focusing on all the many times that you completely overpowered him? After all, you yourself told me just a few moments ago, that there were times that you won him over. Is this a small thing in your eyes, that you the small, were able to win over your crafty and cunning inclination, that dwells deep inside you and knows you inside out? If you would count, one by one, all the times that you won the Yetzer, and you would line them up against the times you lost, I am sure without the shadow of a doubt that you would immediately see you have the upper hand!



Another time the Rosh yeshiva is telling Yerachmiel:

When the Yetzer succeeded to make you stumble, instead of recovering right away and returning a valiant fight, you started blaming yourself that you let him win, and you sunk into self-pity and hopelessness. And this is exactly what let the Yetzer Hara continue to overpower you, until you finally surrendered to him unconditionally. This is just like those individuals in the parable who attempted an incursion into the enemy's territory that was bound to fail from the start.

But now you can start to act with wisdom, and instead of trying to conquer the entire territory right away - after all, you yourself understood that that won't work - try and conquer for yourself a small territory, but one that you will be sure you can maintain defense over it well. And then, slowly but surely you will make progress, until you will succeed to conquer everything back. Does this sound doable and reasonable to you?

"Y-yes" answered Yerachmiel, hesitantly. "But how do I do this?"

"The key is in your hands" I answered. "Tell me, from all the many temptations that you are tested with, which temptation would be relatively the easiest for you to overcome? I ask this even though I understand that even the smallest temptation, when it is facing you, is difficult to bear".

Yerachmiel, who wasn't ready for this question, thought for a few moments and then answered: "I think the easiest for me to overcome would be to undertake not to be with real girls".

Are you ready to take this upon yourself, that no matter what - and no matter how you feel, from now on you will not transgress the serious prohibition of relations with a Nidda? Are you able to undertake that on this one thing the Yetzer Hara will not overpower you?"

"Yes, Rebbe" answered Yerachmiel determinedly, "I am ready to take this upon myself fully".

"Wonderful" I answered, "you have just taken a big step. You have succeeded in conquering a small territory that your Yetzer will not be able to enter.

Now as you surely know, in a war - like in all wars, after conquering a territory one must barricade it well to assure that the enemy can't penetrate. Only after the territory is well fortified will it be possible to continue on from there and conquer additional territory.

Do you understand what you have actually done now? You have changed your strategy. Instead of conquering the entire territory, which everyone understands is impossible at this stage - and would only cause you to sink into depression and hopelessness, you have decided with wisdom, to conquer a relatively small area that you know almost certainly that you will be able to maintain vigilant guard over. And after you have succeeded in this mission - and you will succeed G-d willing, your self esteem will become strengthened, and you will see that this enemy is not undefeatable after all. And through conquering this one area, you will be able to make additional territorial gains.

"So we're clear Yerachmiel?" And I repeated again for emphasis: "for the time being you will focus only on guarding and fortifying this new territory you have conquered, without thinking about other territories at all. And this alone will be a big win for you."

Yerachmiel's countenance reflected that a big burden had been lifted from his shoulders.

If anyone is interested in how my shabbos went..
I dragged myself to shul friday night after not having been or shul or having davened in around 4 days.I went to a shul that im rarely at in the hope of noone bothering me.
I sit in the corner and listened to sounds of yedid nefesh and i closed my eyes and tried somehow to connect to the beautiful song even though i was not in that place.
After a minute,though,i started getting lost in the moving tune and words of longing for hashem.
I felt myself start to tear when i felt an arm on my shoulder.
I looked up to see the gabai standing over me.He's a family friend.
I knew what he wanted right away.
"No.Im sorry,but id rather not daven this week."
He gave me this look that was pleading.I knew from times past that its hard to find a chazzan in a shul such as this.Its mostly older americans who are of the young isral type.quite classic.
I finally nodded my consent.He smiled and walked off.
Whats going on here?G-d,do you fancy yourself a comedian?Out of all the possible weeks,why this one?!I havent davened in a week almost.I am just 2 days after a crazy marathon of sin,and i am not feeling in the least inspired.
If you cannot tell by now,i take kabbalos shabbos pretty seriously.it used to be my favorite time of the whole week.i believe that anyone who leads the tzibbur has to really be sincere and in touch with hashem and the moment.
So i dug deep down,looking for that part of me which i know is there somewhere but is at times (especially now) really hard to find and connect to.
I took the tallis that the gabay handed me and got up to the bimah.
I looked down at the siddur.
Such beautiful words.
I opened my mouth "Lechu Neranena Lashem"
I was off.
It was the most beautiful davening i had had in a long long time.
It was the most into it that i had ever seen the congregation.
We were all joined together in the song of shabbos that i thought i might never feel again.
I thought the shul would lift into the air and fly direct to shamayim and we sang the holy song of lecha dodi.
By the time we got to shema i could swear that i felt the walls shaking.
People were mamesh yelling "SHEMA YISRAEL!"
It was gevaldig my friends
After davening people were coming over to me left and right.
One guy told me that now he felt he could have a real shabbos.
I think they were exagerating a bit,but i got the point.
Ok,so ive been down.ive been really down.
But there is a part of me that is connected to Hashem and will always be connected no matter what.And if i can learn to tap into that part,life will be a very different experience.
I did not realize that i can "bring up" that part unless i am "feeling it".
That's one of the lessons I learned this friday night.
Gut voch-Uri

bs"d

Thank you so much for sharing this, Uri! A gut voch to you too!