lol
the YH not gonna know what hit him

Uri wrote on 01 Sep 2009 09:09:

I needed that, Uri, thanks.
Guess what? Everything you wrote makes perfect sense to me. However, it does not actually happen that way. While reading your dialogue I started thinking: "yeah, yeah, I know...but why is it that it doesn't happen that way, at all? How does it work in real life though it seems so totally absurd on paper?" My heart tells me the answer is very simple and I think we all know it: Do I mean it - or not? For example, people say "I love you" all the time in hollywood - it doesn't do anything, of course - until they are in real life (hopefully) and really meaning it (hopefully). The words are then completely different, right? What's going on in my heart - as Vince Lombardi would have put it - isn't everything - it's the only thing.
So, what I say turns out to be no more than just that - what I say. There is no reason to expect it to have automatic significance at all and may have no impact whatsoever on my emotions or behavior, until I really mean it.
Beware: A rant follows below...

The "downside" of having tikkun tefillah - standardized prayers - is that it bears the risk of training us to speak, speak, speak. Yeshaya bemoans that, as quoted in the shulchan aruch (mitzvas anoshim milumada). Having standardized tefillos also puts value on just saying the words. And it should, for if we have no "formula" we have no hope whatsoever for sticking with the program - Hashem's Program - when we are down and confused. We'd just give it up and get lost, as a people.
But for addicts, this is acutely problematic. We stand right on the edge almost all the time, nebach! We can't afford the yakityyakityyak, as Uri described so well! We need to mean it because for us it has to work, or else. This is the crux of the program as I know it, and as described in AA.
So, throwing out the rote behaviors (eg. shacharis) is just plain dumb, but to condone min hasafah lachutz means death. The solution for me is to learn how to take the davening seriously, one little piece at a time, and also to basically talk to Him all day long. I think it was R'Yochanan who said (gm' Berachos), "ulevai sheyispallel odom chol hayom!". This works for me just fine, but it took time. (on SA tapes, Harvey A. talks about how he does this, BTW.)
Have a great day!
Love,
Dov

:'( im feeling really sad.my mother just told me angrily i should back to yeshiva and stop sitting around.
i want to.i really do.but i cant.
i cant sit there all day while im going crazy inside.
i cant immerse myself fully while my mind storms.
i cant bear the look on my chavrusas face every time i miss a seder because i was too depressed to get out of bed.
am i the biggest failure ever or what??
what should i do?
who am i??
has my addiction taken place 1 2 and 3 in my life.
i want to get into things.i wanna be involved.i want to live.
but i cant do it on a steady basis.
and the world does not accept on/off ers.
so i just escape.
and i sit here.
on the forum.
wondering if my life will ever be stable.
sorry for depressing the oylam.
i really love you guys.
you are all that i have.
at this point last year,to be honest,i was contemplating suicide.
but now its very far from my mind because for the first time i have a family trhat i love and who care about me.
when i told 7up once that suicide is always an option,she answered simply:"I don't let"
And she was serious.
Where do i go from here?

with little hope left in this lonely neshama-uri

Uri dear,
May I suggest that if and when you do come stateside for college, please attend an all-male college only?

A heimishe college like Touro would be highly recommended; they have a very strong filter on their web network.

For your sake, you know that this is what you need, even if a mixed secular school is totally normal in your circles. . .

Shmilu
(formerly known as SD,YSR)

i'm gonna have to contradict touro's "strong" filter system... :'(
been there, done that...

I love mom

I know what you mean about on/offers. I'm like that too, except that i live at home out of town, and none of my friends live less than 2 hours away. so i'm just mostly off.
and living, eating, and breathing your addiction is normal. at least it was like that for me for the first two weeks. why don't you say, ok, i'll focus on my addiction for two weeks, keeping only my most important obligations, and after that hopefully you'll be able to start picking up more responsibility.
try it?
oh, and about touro- i highly doubt anyone would decide to go on an inappropriate site in public. and if you do end up in touro, do not go during the summer. although i think the queens campus is always all-men.

letakain21 wrote on 01 Sep 2009 17:04:


OUCH!!!

I guess I'm not as aggressive as you (were?) in my pursuit of ****, letakein.
Maybe their filter could be circumvented, after all. I will have to defer to you on this one.

letakain doesn't watch p***. I think she had the some of the same issues as me, and what we look for is really easy to get, even with a filter.

Uri wrote on 01 Sep 2009 15:49:

habib613 wrote on 01 Sep 2009 16:04:


does the y"h hear laughter?
cause i cant keep it down!
hope to not be ruining your trick...

habib613 wrote on 01 Sep 2009 17:24:


Didn't realize that. My bad.

So in regards to Uri and his problems, my point about Touro's filter might still stand though, no?

Uri, there's an old Chinese saying I made up: "The Emotions follow the Motions".

In SA they say:  "bring the body back and the feelings will follow"

We addicts need to ACT our way into a new way of thinking. Get back to Yeshiva and start ACTING as if you're normal :D

R' Guard you're so good.
i agree

once again, rabbeinu guard, with such real and true words
uri..., feelings we dont choose...
actions we do...

imagine me in university studying...
as if im normal...

reading, watching...
both not good so the filter doesnt stand. sorry! and noone sees what you read, trust me :'(

Uri,

This Therapist Phone conversation tops it all!

you had me on the floor.

E.L.