chevra, day 6 begins!its not that mcuh ive forsure done more before but this is my first time counting. my addiction is so totally on my mind constantly now,but i guess thats what happens when u are in war.ive come out of the last week bloody and battle worn,but so far victorious!i have not lost a single battle in the past 6 days since the new war began!that thought is so refreshing.
i started reading the gye handbook yesterday following everyones suggestion.its a good handbook,a compilation of everything on the site,as far as i can tell.
davening this morning was soo painful.i mamesh find it difficult to stand before G-d ever.maybe after this war is done,one day.i think the reason i cant "look G-d in the eye" is the same reason i cant really look anyone close to me in the eye.im ashamed.i feel that my addicting,my need,my desperation is written all over my face.i can befriend pple very quickly,but only very superficially.once were close i feel that they know me better and watch me closer,and begin to see the real me.at that point i start avoiding them,subconciously usually.i cant find any way around this.Hashem himself has watched me doing he most perverse things with girls, and alone.He has watched me having illicit sexual liasons.He has watched me defile and pervert innocent jewish girls.He has watched me spending hours in front of the computer,immersed in the lowest perversions.He has seen my thoughts.He has seen me with open gemaras in front of me with me thinking about gross fantasies.how can i ever approach Him again

bs"d

Hi uri,

first, congrats on your successes so far. the y'h must be really upset if he is giving you such a hard time.

i wish i could tell you how beautiful and holy you are in a way that you will believe me... but from my own experience (which is similar to yours in the sense that i also have a hard time letting people in) i usually don't "buy" it when people tell me that at these moments in my life.

I will however say that you are G-d's most precious child. He made you in a certain way, He knows your trials. He's not disgusted with you, c"v.

I learned the following piece this morning in a sefer called "Likutey Etzos Meshulash":

R.Nosson of Breslov says that the mitzva of sanctifying the moon is davka when everything is (or appears) dark. That is the time when we are commanded to look for the tiniest point of light. Once the witnesses see it we can sanctify the month.

The same is true on an individual level. When everything is dark, when we think we're so low, that is when we have to look for some tiny little speck of good, a silver lining. Once we find it we're on the path of tshuva. [you have SIX days of success in your battles behind you. I'd say that qualifies as silver lining  :D!!!).

Then he he goes on to explain that this is the first mitzva in connection with geulas mitzrayim. HaSHem is teaching us that just as He saw us in our "blood and filth" [in Egypt, 49 shaar hatuma etc...] and was looking for some good in order to take us out, so we too must emulate His way.

May we all experience redemption(s) on every kevel, biklal ubifrat!

Stark zich brider, you're doing an awesome job!

thanks for the kind words chl.i know ur right,just really hard to feel that Hashem doesnt hate me at the moment.i actually heard beshaim Rabbi Nachman that when u feel far,its a sign that you are close.like a father who is teaching his son to walk he keeps stepping further and further away,training him.its not a sign that he doesnt want to be close.
im reading "first day" its a story on guardyoureyes.org amazing!really so deep i enjoy it immensely.highly suggested to anyone who has the time.kol tuv-uri

jerusalemaddict wrote on 22 Jul 2009 11:12:


still my favorite GUE tool!

Dear JA, please read this page from top to bottom. It addresses your situation exactly.

No matter what sins you did, Hashem loves you more than you could ever imagine. He is waiting and waiting for you to let Him back into your heart!

bs"d

Hi there,

hope all is well! have a good day!

ja heliger tzaddikle
I posted this in my thread and it took a turn to a differnt topic
so here goes:

TO THE HEILIGER WARRIOR WHO COMPLAINED ABOUT HIS MOTHERS KIRUV ACTIVITIES

PLEASE READ THIS I WRITE THIS WITH EVERY BIT OF EMES POSSIBLE



if what I say offends anyone please please please be mochel


I will be MEGALLA something here that i nevr posted before.

I have many years of kiruv experience



I speak from my personal experience and only mine no paskening here

KIRUV IS A POWERFUL TOOL

LIKE ALL POWERFUL TOOLS

READ THE WARNING SIGNS

READ THE INSTRUCTIONS

WEAR SAETY GOGGLES

ON A MORE SERIOUS NOTE

NO ONE NONE SHOULD BE IN KIRUV WITHOUT A FULL FLEDGED MOREH DERECH

YOU MOTHER TLIT"A  NEEDS TO ASK HER MOREH DERECH

IF HER KIRUV RECHOKIM IS GOREM RICHUK KROVIM

I SAY THIS WITH A PAINED HEART

I HAVE SEEN THE VERY UGLY SIDE OF KIRUV

SADLY,IWAS GOOD AND EFFECTIVE

BUT I GIT OUT OF IT

THERE WAS A DAUGHTER OF A MAJOR MAJOR MEKAREV

WHO BEGGED  BEEGED ME WITH TEARS IN HER EYES

IF YOU LOVE YOUR CHILDEREN "GET OUT OF KIRUV"

IF ANY ONE WANTS TO KILL ME FOR SAYING
POLITCALLY INCORRECT THINGS

I HUMBLY APOLOGIZE

I AM SPEAKING FROM MY OWN EXPERIENCE

THATS ALL FOLKS


bardichev

Chevra,
i am approaching the end of day 7 of sobriety thank G-d.ive spent time over the past couple days at the kosel davening to Hashem for help and hadracha and so far He has helped me.ive had a few close calls,though.to explain i must give another part of my story:
My addiction is not restricted to porn and "M".i spent my teenage years heavily involved in several unhealthy and highly sexual relationships.one stands out specifically.i went out with her for 3 years.we had sex more times during those years than guard has posts on this site.but it was deeper than just sex.we each had this deep emotional need that the other satisfied.we became seriously dependant on each other to be happy.there were several circumstances though that broke our relationship:my aliya,my becoming frum,and serval other things.but every once in a while when i became overfilled with that desperate need i would find her,set things straight,and we would usually end up having sex.this is already after i had chosen to be frum.i was in yeshiva full time,etc.but every once in a bit,i fell big time.we have been on and off talking for the past couple years now,and right now were on a "off".but i subconciously (and sometimes conciously) keep my eyes open for her wherever i go.like i purposely pass by places where i know she frequents.this obsession goes up and down with my neediness,and right now,due to my sobriety i guess,i am a shtickle desperate.so i desire strongly to "cool myself down" ironically by heating myself up.but i will not,of course,because...............just because.Hashem should give us all koach-uri

because im better than that

WAY BETTER THAN THAT!
Every time we say a brochoh on a mitzvah we say "vitzivonu". Besides the simple meaning -and He commanded, it also means that He made you a shliach [like it says in the megilah ותצוהו על מרדכי and it means that Esther made him a shli'ach to Mordichay.] Hashem has a great plan -much greater than we can imagine and He choose you as His shliach to help implement His Master Plan.

Imagine being a shliach of the Gadol Hador or maybe of Shlomo Hamelech or Moshe Rabeinu, you wouldn't even be able to even think about anything else other than your shlichus. But you're a shliach of Hashem Himself. Try to think about it a bit...

JerusalemA+,

I sense a very great soul in you. First of all, I didn't even know you were a ba'al teshuvah until now. That alone speaks volumes of your soul's greatness. Most people are just born religious, they never had to make such great spiritual strides like you. Others have small souls with small jobs and are never given the "opportunity" to become religious. But here you are, a HUGE soul, that was able to make the jump into a world of Torah and Mitzvos. WOW. But we all know, sexual purity is the "last frontier" for great souls like yours. If you overcome this and work on this area, you will shoot up the spiritual ladder in ways you never "dreamed" were possible!

Now that you found us, Hashem has given you a HUGE hug. This is a very unique and special community, and you are being given tools here that Yidden never knew about before. Use the Handbooks, the daily Chizuk e-mails, the groups support of the forum, the phone conferences, hotlines, stories and tips... Use the site out my brother, you can do this! Hashem is with you, he is having great pleasure from your soul's journey!

oy i feel bad posting this right after what u said guard.but i am falling.i cant fight right now.too strong.i cant sleep and im so tempted!help!
and no im not a baal teshuva persay.u misunderstood.my family is mo not the frumest but i went to yeshiva.i didnt keep shabbos or anything from the time i was 8 or so till is was 17 so i wasnt frum but my family is.
anyway back to this.help!

heiliger JA

hold on to us

we need you here
b

im holding on im just gonna keep watching shiurim till vasikin and ill go to the kosel iy'h.im afraid to try to sleep.i usually bug out and fall when i go to sleep restless

Nu, install k9 FAST!

BTW. There's a last resort option on the bottom of this page: www.guardureyes.com/GUE/Tips/TipsPractical.asp

You're still a ba'al Teshuvah if you weren't frum from 8! Obviously your soul had some serious journeys to undergo... See this story here for what I mean..

Keep strong!