Hi Uri, As Dov wrote in another thread, this idea is a befeirishe RMB"M. In the beginning of Yesodei HaTorah in sefer Mada of Mishneh Torah, he directly compares the true character of ahavas Hashem to the way a person is obsessed all the time with thoughts of his beloved.

See Chizuk e-mail #353 on this page.

And see also this page, a similar vort from the ba'al shem tov.

And see Chizuk e-mail #3 on this page...

And see the first post on this page.

Of course I'm gonna send you links, you want me to paste all those things here? It would fill up a whole page on your thread  :D




It is clear that your addiction is related to your home-life and upbringing. It was used all these years as an escape and a way to sooth the pain and close up in a shell of the self. No one can blame you Uri, for getting addicted, that's for sure. No more than we can blame someone with diabetes for having it. But now that we HAVE this disease, we are fully responsible for our recovery... See the handbooks and learn HOW 

Hi Uri,

I Don't post much because I don't have much to say or add.

But, I give you credit for even willing to fight the Y"H at your age & in the Sevivah your in.

Shevah Yipol Ztadik "V'Kom"! is real.

We seem to think when we decide to fight for good that the Yipol is in the past and from now on It's Over!

It's Not!

We get sooooo much gr8 advice from people on this forum like "How to fall with grace" and so much more like the endless amazing advice from Reb Dov & the rest of the family.

The "Internalizing" is the hard part.

We need to make these things part of our lives so that we are confronted with the Battle, we have the right weapons at hand, to fight off the Menuvel right there & then while he is still in his own territory.

I Better go now, The holy shabbos is approaching.

We shall talk next week B'Ezras Hashem.

Internalize! Internalize! Internalize! one thing at a time! like Reb Dov.

Gut Shabbos
I Bless You With Shabbos For The Rest Of Your Life!
E.L.

Shavua tov chevra
Im starting to understand a bit what the oylam was trying to tell me about lust and love.
I think my original need was for love.Lust in much easier to find though,so i took it instead.
Now I need both.
But the acting out on lust wont help my love need,only my lust need.So what i've done is just deepened my pit.
More thoughts are needed so i need time.
Thanks though everyone.Keep posting

So I know that alot has been written here about trouble davening,but with me this takes a whole new meaning.
I spent shabbos by a friend.He asked me which minyan i wanted to go to.I chose the latest one.Why?Becuase the only thing worse than davening is getting up early to daven.Its lik heading early to an execution.
So here I am sitting in shul bugging out.Does everyone here know the term?Like I was feeling very trapped and like I would rather be anywhere in the world.Seems a little overdramatic right?Welcome to my life.I just couoldnt do it.I opened up a sefer to distract myself from the fact that I was in shul but I couldnt.
Im interjecting for a moment:have you ever seen a shirt with a stain held under a blacklight?The stain is so bright,so the center of focus.
Thats how I feel in shul:like that stain.I am a stain in a holy place filled with holy people.No matter what I do,I feel like I stick out,with all my impurity obvious to anyone who bothers to look.
So I'm sitting there,feeling more uncomfortable by the moment.I'm starting to feel pretty anxious.I look around at the other people in the shul.Everyone looks normal.This is,after all,a pretty daily thing in judiasm for any frum person.What is wrong with me??
To make a short story long,I finally stood up and walked out of shul,past the bathroom,and into the street.I headed down the neighborhood and sat in a park for around 40 minutes till I finally decided that my absence might alarm my friend.
This was not a one time thing.I can never sit in shul.Im not talking about trouble davening.Im talking about just being there.Its one of the most painful things for ms,for some reason.
When i say never,I am lying.There are times when I daven very well.But that makes this all even worse.I feel like such a flip-flopping unsteady indecisive individual,which confuses my identity for me.
The only thing I know forsure about myself is that I'm a sex addict and a lust addict.
So if anyone asks anybody here for a shidduch for me,you can answer them:I don't know him so well,but I do know that he thinks about sex alot.WIsh wishes for a good week for my wonderful gue family-Uri

Dear Uri, please read this page, from top to bottom. I believe it can help you get some good perspective on your difficulties davening.

bs"d

Uri thank you so much for describing your situation, and R'Guard, thank you for answering and for that link.

I woke up this morning tired and tense. I turned on the computer (i try not to before davening), trying to delay the davening. First thing, I read Uri's post, and the link with London's questions and Dov's answers. Wow, thank you all so much. I feel now i can go and daven with a little more honesty. Right on time! Hasdei HaShem! 

Uri,

Think about how much you have progressed since you joined - even with this forum. Also, you seem to be more accepting of the advise given to you by the Heiliga Chevra.

Nonwithstanding the great advise of the Gedolim on this forum, I humbly offer my Pintele advise on 2 things you wrote.

Uri (JA) wrote on 08 Aug 2009 22:10:

When you go to shule, you have to stop thinking about who you are and what you have done. This is not your Yetzer Tov speaking, this is the Yetzer Harah who is talking.  He is doing so because he doesn't want you to go to shule. To quote from an Arnold Schwartzenger movie I once saw (when I obviously shouldn't of), (I think it was called Total Recall or something like that)  - he went to an old hangout of his where he didn't leave on good terms and was told "You have some nerve showing up here looking like this".

This is what the Y"H is telling us. You gotta be kidding - with all your "terrible" Avairos, you want to stink up this "Mokom Kadosh". Your going to contaminate all the "perfect" Yidden around you! You have some nerve showing up here looking like this "

The next time he uses that stinking line on you, throw it back in hs face and tell him "You have some nerve showing up here (in shule) looking like this No matter what I did, I am still a holy Jew who Hashem loves - especially when I am struggling and fighting with my entire soul to climb out of the hellhole you put me in. So I am going to climb out and you jump in!

If he tells you "that you can never get rid of me", tell him you will have to excuse him while you are davening and you can take up the subject of how messed up you are at another time. When these thoughts start resurfacing again during davening, then push them away. Realize that for every push, you are creating tremendous Shefa in Shomayim!

You will actually deal with these thoughts but when you are ready. This should be the same time of the day for 1 hour - no more.

This in Brelov is called the Sha Hisbodidus. This is when your mind is clear and you are relaxed. (Maybe after a delish Chocolate danish) You start talking to Hashem in your own words. You start with all the good that you have had in your life, and once you are in a better mood, you deal with your faults and ask Hashem to forgive you and help you fight in the future because "Ilmolai Hashem Oizroi Anoi Yochul Loi", (If Hashem doesn't help, we can't do it alone). After you feel cleansed for the sins committed between the last Hisbodidus and then, you start asking Hashem for other things like a feeling in Davening etc...

You will see that once you have established a connection between you and Hashem through this private Tefilo, the connection will start happening even when you are davening. I know that this is true because for the past 3 years, I had lost the ability to Daven with Kavana on a consistent basis and after almost continuous daily one hour conversations with Hashem, my Kavana exploded.

There is somewhere on this site where I posted in detail of what I talk about during Hisbodedus. It is 1:15 in the morning and I am getting sleepy and running out of gas. Maybe someone else knows where it is.

What I just wrote is a combination of what I learned from the Tanya and what I learned from the seforim of Rav Sholom Arush. He is a Rav in Breslov in Yerushalayim. I am begging you to pay him a visit. He will change your life. You can reach him at 052-2240696 or 02-5812210. His sefer on Hisbodedus is called B'sday Yar.

Keep on climbing brother.

I promise you that one day you will not only climb out, but you will be bringing myriads of Netzotzos that have been so deeply buried in the Klipos that only you could have gotten out.

Love,

Pintele Yid

The beauty of davening with a minyan is being part of a group. As one who hasnt davened in shul for many years, I know it from the other side.

When I daven beyechidos on Rosh Hashana, there are parts I dont say because Im not with a minyan. (Avinu Malkainu for eg.) Why? Because davening alone means Hashem is focusing on me; and only me. My individual maasim may not hold up under scrutiny. When davening with a minyan, your individual actions are thrown into the communal pot so to speak.

Davka by davening with a minyan,you can relax more. Hashem will carry your tefillos up along with everyone elses. Once the elevator full of tefillos is going up anyway, why waste the opportunity to throw your bakashos in too? A free ride to shamayim? Nothing to sneeze at!

Dear heilege friends,
Guard-thanks for the link
Chl-for the chizuk of getting chizuked
7up-gevaldig
Pintele-i need to chazer your post again.alot of depth there.i am familiar with rav arush and his works.well see

Chevra,I dont know what will be with me.Ive been a wreck the whole past week.Moods,slips,and falls have been my days.Tossing,turning,and acting out have been my nights.I gotta pull myself together.
Davening hurts.
Learning is distant.
My neshama is sitting in the corner crying.
The malachim are crying.
Hashem is dissapointed.
When will moshiach come already????

Uri

Heilige Uri,I read this quote when I was slipping and was sure that no matter what I would do, I'd fall;

"Courage is the discovery that you may not win, and trying when you know you can lose. "

Hashem is NEVER dissapointed if we try...( and sometimes , SURPRISE, we actually succeed )

Can't I even pull myself together for one day??
I am a walking talking toeva
A living chilul Hashem

All of me is either addicted or depressed,
my emotions swirl over me with no rest.

My addictive behavior my biggest shame,
but there is no one but me to blame.

Except myself,little old me,
my lust which will never let me free.

I dont know when I will breathe again,
feel the air of freedom like other men.

I cry myself to sleep at night,
feeling no more life to continue the fight.

Hashem where are you?I need you now!
Only you can save me someway somehow.

It's true I dont pray
I dont keep to what I say.

I don't learn so much.
I'm not careful who I touch.

But for the sake of your name,
don't turn away from my shame.

To get close to you is my only really desire.
To sit on your lap forever,just lie there.

When you'll ask why bother,
Ill tell you why.

Because You are my father.

Battleworn introduced this idea to the forums way back when on this thread.  A worthwhile read from our very own battleworn.

Here is a snippet:




But be careful when applying these yesodos.  We grow and nurture from love.  One who is deprived from love, is deprived from proper growth.  Hashem created us to be social beings and social beings we should be.  Be sure not to cut yourself off from a social healthy life.  But the key is differentiating healthy love for fake love.  And that this stage of your life, removing any desire for love with women until you are ready to get married.      

It is unrealistic to attain the great madregas of hisbodudus and ahavas hashem that is described by the maspik (Ramabam's son) and other greats by skipping levels (as he himself explains).  Pretending to feel spiritual emotions that are not true in us can cause disaster and only encourages faking it. It also causes frustration in the long run.  We need to be true to ourselves and of our levels in avodas hashem.  It also encourages us to run our lives around 'feeling spiritual'.  We only act when we feel like it.  This will prove to fail for normal people on the long run.  Instead, we internalize truth and simply act based on what is right and wrong. Not what we 'feel' to be right and wrong.

Do not be fooled into thinking that the only way to recovery is through reaching the greatest of madregas of ahavas hashem. And do not think that you have not succeeded just because you do not feel so spiritual as is described in these great works.  But do realize that you have this potential.  Take it slow. Take baby steps. If you desire this, learn from the seforim. Chovos halevovos is a great place to start for those with patience.  They will take your hand step by step as you grow.  Get a Rebbe.  Get a chavrusa to learn about these things.  

Ykv_schwartz wrote on 09 Aug 2009 14:37:


I think I'm more confused than ever.But I will try to pick up chovos halevovos.i started it once upon a time.should i go straight to shaar haahava or whatever its called?
And ill check battleworns thread.thanks for responding.sorry im too daft to understand your advice 100%

bs"d

Uri,

your poem/song is very beautiful and touching.

Uri,

I hope to write more in depth when Im a little less tired (as in brain working just a tad!), but in the meantime, have to fully agree with Chl:

Your poem was written on parchment from the heart.