AHHH!!!
I am sorry but I am going to take a break from posting.
I feel so misunderstood and frustrated.
No offense guys,but you all are missing my point completely.
I'm afraid I'm gonna have to battle this one out alone for a bit.
-Uri

I will welcome PM's but only if the person is listening to what I am saying,not narrating his own story to me.

Uri, talk to me

URI, I understand you. You have a deep, subconscious need for love, closeness, and for someone to fill the loneliness and the hole in your heart. But you need to understand that having a girlfriend or even a wife, doesn't fill this void. We all thought it would, but when we get married we see that it's not the way we thought it would be at all. Instead of "getting" all we thought we needed, we end up having to "give" of ourselves and understand someone who doesn't think like us, etc... The true love that can come from marriage has to be worked for slowly.

The pain you feel and the needs you have are real. But they can only be filled when we bring Hashem into our hearts. Hashem is the ONLY ONE who can truly fill the void and neediness we have. If you can find the time, I suggest reading through this recent thread, from top to bottom, and pressing on all the links I posted there.

Also, I highly suggest reading the SLAA pamphlet I sent you. These are people who felt and feel EXACTLY as you do now, and they slowly learned the hard and painful way that they will NEVER find and NEVER get what their subconscious mind craves so much through love, nor through lust, nor through marriage. ONLY Hashem can ultimately fill this void.

May we find him truly now.

Uri (JA) wrote on 06 Aug 2009 17:48:


:D Uri,
I sensed the deep emotion in your post early this morning, and that is why I backed out of the discussion. I'm not at all capable of feeling what you do, of putting myself in your shoes.

Your neshama is very deep. very high.

And I'm just little kutan.

This is the truth. People who know me in real life know that I don't flatter. Period. Not because its wrong, but because it makes me brech. Its ekeldik.

That said, I've been reading the posts that were posted.  And your responses.

I've two things to say, which I hope will be in place.

1) We are dealing with HEAVY stuff here. Strong feelings. Thats why you feel the way you do, and that is why some (all?) of the posts back to you were worded so strongly. And even those, you can sense the sense of restraint in the post, as they tried to be 'civil' about it.

The reason for all this is that these brothers have been there, done that, and they have done what you are doing now. They WISH that they would have had someone like them now tell them then what they are telling you now, and, better, that they WOULD HAVE LISTENED!!!. because they would have been spared the pain.

Now, this is something every parent and teacher goes through. Sometimes its inevitable, the pain has to be experienced. The person has to learn ON THEIR OWN. but sometimes not, and these brothers are crying to you, inside of their strong posts, to please not walk down the path they did, that the thing at the end is a mirage, not a fountain, or perhaps, actually a monster!

That's what Mevakesh probably meant with "al taamin...'.  He was begging, please Uri, trust me, I know your strong feelings, and I'm telling you HONEST, I've been there too and its not the mehalech.... please don't go down that road, it takes a short time to enter and a LONG time to leave...

At the VERY least, understand where they are coming from. At the best, have the humility to say, I'll trust you, even if every fiber of my being is screaming the opposite...

2) Please understand the cycle of life. I mentioned it (bshaim R' tatz) previously. There is the initial phase of honeymoon, and then the down in the dumps phase, and ultimately, if you make it through that, the equilibrium. Ran out of time to elaborate now. But you've entered phase 2. You've realized that you've come close to you ultimate goal of being in control of yourself, and then you've glimpsed at how hard it can actually be. This is the cycle for EVERYTHING in life, and if you understand it, you'll be able to get past stage 2. bl'n I'll post more on Monday.

With warmest feelings,
kutan

:'( :'(
thank you guard.pple,please read what guard wrote.

I have fallen again..
I am noticing a pattern.Both times right before I fell,i stopped posting on the forum for whatever reason.
It could be A)i stopped posting b/c i knew i was about to fall and subconciously didn't want gye to prevent me cause i wanted it so bad.B)I fell becuase circumstance caused me to stop posting and without the forum i was doomed.
Probably a combination of both
I need you guys
Sorry if I get ridiculously moody and temperamental s/t's.I am only 20.Please bear with me.My apologies-Uri

I guess i scared the oylam away  :-\

-- deleted --

Uri,

I would like to help guide you to overcome your struggle. I've been there. I can help you. Contact me privately, and let's get ready to fight, fight, fight, and WIN this battle!

Chazak V'Ematz!

Your brother,
Mevakesh Hashem

Uri - Not scared. You post openly and clearly about the hole in yourself,  and you seem to believe you are an addict. Me too, so let's talk. If you read some of my posts, they are not about fighting, at all. About struggling to live, yes, but not about fighting, beating, or winning against anything. No offense to anyone as I love you all, especially because you are addicts.     
Lust was my buddy, anchor, and guide in a painfully confusing world. Basically, it was my god. I served it privately and daily w/o fail, for years. Right through the middle of all that, I discovered and hung onto yiddishkeit, sensing it had something I needed. Something real.
I'm not here to tell you anything new about yiddishkeit, though. I don't believe you need to hear, or to say, "just the right vort", at all. You posted that you have spoken to lots of ravs, etc about this and related issues. I assume they mostly told you what you'd expect, no? For me, predictability is now a sort of litmus test. I guess you know what I mean. Maybe I'm cynical.

So I'll tell you something that may not be predictable.
I got married too early (so did she), had a rotten time of the sexuality (so did she), and grew into a guy who acted out or struggled w/not acting out full time (she didn't). The struggle unfortunately defined my avodas Hashem, too. I eventually got sober with Hashem's help, using the steps (my story is elsewhere). We were fighting often during most of the years before sobriety and after 1.5 years of hell in sobriety, our boat started to even out its keel. The next few years were full of quiet, natural growth as individuals and as a couple. Oh, yeah - and also full of just plain quiet, too, for a change. We are so intimate now, and getting closer. We are really sharing a life. We understand eachother in the physical parts of intimacy, too, now, and are able to really enjoy this for the first time. Now, this is happening even though my wife has no connection to recovery, no association w/any program, and is quite different than I am spiritually. For the first ten years of marriage I never expected to ever see what we have now. I thought I had screwed up in marrying her at all, frankly; had two panic attacks over it. She didn't understand. Now I have the rest of myself and am at rest. I don't need to drool over her and she doesn't need to worship me. We are not fighting, either, cuz we get plenty of eachothers attention w/o fighting. And all those years I was sure I'd eventually die an old and lonely man, filling a hole in the ground with my own bigger hole...
I'm telling you this, if you are still reading this long megillah, because I know what a difference sanity resulting from simple sobriety means to having a happy marriage and a happy life. A simple sanity that finally allows marriage and life to fill that hole. As an addict, I could not get it w/o sobriety and the steps.
Now, I do not condone acting out in any way (ha! not that I matter! and who am I to talk for G-d?) but perhaps the only thing that will truly convince you that your hole won't be filled with what you are lusting after is trying it over and over until you give up trying. That is the way it was for me. Maybe you are better, or "luckier". I caused a lot of wreckage for myself and others, but could have made a lot more. Finally, I gave up and got help. Now, Hashem, my Best and Eternal Friend helps me out daily and - well you know how it is...
My wife and I have two "sobriety babies" now. One is six and the other three. Our first three had it rough - and they know it. They see a different home, now. Too bad we all had to wait for it so long. Iv'e heard sober recovering alkies say, "it took each and every drink I took, to get me where I am today."
Maybe a 20 year old like you can get the help to "even his keel" before adding another person to your boat. Whatever your journey looks like you can let us be a part of it, Uri.
Love,
Dov

Hi Uri

I'm in the midst of reading your thread, you sound very similar to me, i'm also 20. Very inspiring, what can I say.
Very Inspriring.

Wow dov thank you so much.your concern shines out so sincerely.i am truly touched.thank you.i admire you so much
Net-thank you very much for the compliment.you have no idea how much koach this gives me right now at a time when i am desperate for any support.
and tomim,my heilege friend-you are a tzaddik,my friend.although i dont know if we agree 1000 percent on methods,we definetly see gue in a similar way.i noticed that you have posted some excerpt from stephen covey(that was you right?).this principle of "seeking first to understand" of "sympathetic listening" is one of his big principles of life.when you really try to hear where someones coming from,how hes feeling,without just narrating your own story into his life,you are giving him such air you wouldnt believe.so tomim,thank you

I dont so much get this idea of filling the empty spot with Hashem.If someone could elaborate,that would be much appreciated.I always thought it was to be filled with acceptance of self and such.
Shkoyach
(i bet guard sends me a link)

I'd like to see anyone live in my house and not either:smoke,drink,mas**,take drugs,commit suicide,lay in bed all day,etc.
I have no fear of hell.I'm living it.