OKay, Im off to sleep. Eat your cold food and wash the dish afterwards.
Breakfast is always sunnier anyway.

I usually get the leftovers at 10pm.
Helps with the budget, you know.
Besides, with us men, why clear the table if its stuff you can eat?
I'm still growing, just in the wrong direction.
>

I have fallen...

more to come in the morning.many thoughts.right now i may as well take advantage of this and get a good nights sleep.

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Uri, jst remember we love you and are here for you, no matter what happened...

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Uri, just to repeat what Trying already said, we are here for you. Whatever it is, whatever you're going through, whatever's coming up. And, hey, you fought and won many a battle. One loss..., negligible. And here's a little something that someone once wrote to me, thought you might find it helpful...

struggle my heilege friend,
do not be afraid of falling,and do not be so ashamed.i can only speak for myself but im sure this applies to others as well saying that u are a tremendous source of chizuk here.u have a lot of tumah all around u and your struggle is very real.yet u persevered over and over.3 weeks,brother!thats a lot of won battles!u may have lost a battle last night but you are forsure winning the war!keep posting tzaddik-uri

with love and admiration,

struggle

Let me share a bit about myself:

I grew up a pretty lonely kid.I lived in a neighborhood without many frum people,and my self esteem(thanks to daddy)wasnt the highest.I spent many a summer day sitting in the park alone wishing some kid would come over and ask me to play with them.Didnt happen much.

When I was around 13,I was introduced to a new friend.This friend swore loyalty and constant companionship.And indeed he kept to his promise.I had company over the long summer nights,someone to chill with when I was bored,and someone to pick me up when I was down.

As I grew up and started to make more friends,I never forgot about my first "real" friend.That was partly because he had no intention of letting me forget him.But anyway,I had no thoughts of desertion.

I went through my different stages of school,and we got closer and closer,developing such an intimate relationship as none could even imagine.After a while,he began to become part of me.That interconnection only became stronger over the years.Friends were aware of the relationship,but not of the depth of intimacy of it.I even had several girlfriends over this period,only to return home later and spend intimate moments with my "friend".

To make a long story short,I became religious somehow in my late teenage years.I informed my friends that the intimate moments would have to stop.We could still be close,but the heavy stuff would have to take a break.He wasnt so happy,to say the least.He resisted often and I gave in alot.But,as ashamed as I was to admit it,I still needed and craved that intimacy.It gave me a sense of security and comfort that I did not have without him.

A few short weeks ago,I finally came to the awakening realization that this intimacy and this whole "friendship" was slowly and surely destroying me.I knew what I had to do,and with a firm and decisive tone informed my lover that things would be ending permanently.He discouraged me,didnt take me seriously,said "yea,like you haven't said that before.I told him that I was as serious as I could be.maybe more serious than I've ever been in my whole life.As the realization dawned on him that I was stubbornly set in my decision,his pleasant and comforting demeanor fell away sunddenly.I watched with horror as I saw my "friend" for what he really was:evil.I was shocked and hurt,but this only made my decision firmer.I turned and walked away.I started walking towards a new group of friends,a chevra of tzaddikim who I had all too much in common with.They would be my new friends.

But my friend was not going to give in so easily.He had a iron strong hold on me,and he wasn't going let me get away with a fight.He grabbed my leg and started pulling me down into the abbyss,his abbyss.I look down and see only darkness and death.I struggle in any way possible.But he is all too strong.I feel myself being pulled down.I am worn out and exhausted from my struggle."Please stop!'.I was begging him.I was crying tears that have been stored for years.If he didnt drown me,my tears certainly would.

This battle went on for days.One day after another,just trying to keep my head above water.My "friend" had this devil look on his face,determined to destroy me for abandoning him.

My fight became not about not drowning,but staying in my decision.I counted the days I did not let go.1...2...3..4...10...13..14.At this point i was already drowning,but my fight had changed.15....I could hear voices in the distance.I recognize the voices of some of new friends,my true friends,whose inside I knew contained only gold,unlike this monster who is attempting to kill me now.I try responding,but I do not have enough strength.Some reach for my hand,but I do not even have enough koach to raise it.16....Just keep counting,I tell myself.But the fight is coming to a close.The water is by my neck.17...NOthing else matters but the number.My head is already underwater,and I see bubbles surface as I shout with my head underwater "18!!"As I fall,I finally understand.18.Life.

Death is only temporary,while life is eternal.

Uri, this brought tears to my eyes. I have to share this in the chizuk e-mail today! It sounds familiar to the a chapter in the book "The first day of the rest of my life". Let me quote:

As I struggled in my efforts to actualize everyone's expectations, I wasn't aware of the deep pit that was opening up inside me. It was a pit of loneliness that just got deeper as time went on. My subconscious dealt with this by creating a wall of sorts, deep inside my heart. At first, this wall was just between me and myself, but as time went on, it became a wall between me and the rest of the world. I closed up inside myself, and slowly began to withdraw from life and from the world around me.

And then on one clear day, a new friend entered my life: "Lust". The loneliness, which had been my lot in life for so long, suddenly disappeared like it never was. "Lust" made me feel more wanted and desired than ever before. I felt that I had finally found my true friend, a friend in times of need. Whenever things were hard or I felt down or lonely, "Lust" would appear to be there for me, as if to encourage me and give me a false sense of belonging and acceptance.

And so, as the years progressed, "Lust" accompanied me where ever I went. While everyone else had such high expectations of me and made demands accordingly, my dear friend "Lust" had no demands of me at all. All that "Lust" wanted was that I feel good and be comfortable, and forget the cruel world around me. In "Lust", I always found a listening ear, offering comfort and solace.

All was good and well, until one day I discovered that this dedicated "friend" was actually the very thing that was not letting me make progress in life and achieve my goals. I asked "Lust" to give me some space and let me be a little bit, but "Lust" was not willing to accept this under any circumstances. And suddenly he changed his appearance. From a good friend in times of need, "Lust" became an unrelenting and cruel oppressor that dwelled deep within me and used my weaknesses against me - weaknesses that he knew better than anyone, often better than myself.

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Uri,
Thank you for sharing.  B"H, your ratzon is strong. Just your control gets low. Over time, I am sure you will regain that control that you desire.

I would like to share with you the following well known principle: When a person decides to break his physical desires, the beginning is easy, but then the yetzer doubles its efforts against you.  (See Michtav M'Eliyahu page chelek 1, page 225 where he disccusses this principle in context of addictions)  Eventually the physical desire becomes so strong that man can no longer resists and he gives in. The Gemara in succa tells us that the yetzer hara of a tzadik is appears like a mountain.  The reason is that since he continues to battle it, it gets bigger and bigger.  Do not let the fall be a sign of failure. Let your 18 days of sobriety and stubbornness to prevail be a sign of success.  Let it stand as a reminder that it is possible.  Let it encourage you for future success. As long as you continue to put in efforts, you are considered a tzaddik.

You are a great inspiration to all of us.  We have no doubt you will pick yourself up and start over again. 

R' Yaakov,
So well said!
Thank you, and Uri, thank you.
Last week I posted to you how your thread and posts are helping me immensely with my shmiras eiynayim in the terrible NYC city... and they still are!
Baruch Hashem, and baruch Uri.
kutan

Uri,

Your post has brought tears to my eyes, and I am sitting here weeping.

Your "friend" is our "friend" and he is indeed a devil and an evil thing, yet to so many of us for too long he connived his way into our hearts!

You wlll come out of this battle victorious my brother.

Stay Strong!

Chazak V'Ematz!

Uri,
I never ever claimed to be an expert on neshumos. Only a kutan. But I've got a hunch that you've got one special neshama!
never met a 20 yr old who is able to touch so many people.... without even trying to!
k

Everyone here is in awe. I think Kutan summed it all up perfectly.


Personally, Im not sure Uri's fall was a win for the yh at all. Never have I seen someone put up a fight like Uri did. 24 hours a day and night he battled not to give in, and I mean battled. EVEN AT THE FINAL MOMENT HE PUT OUT A LAST DITCH CALL FOR HELP! At the moment when all logical thought is buried under desire, he still raised his hand above the water and screamed for help! I know.

Uri, you didnt give the yh what he wants. He didnt want those few minutes of release. He wanted you to quit, to bury your head in shame and to run from your new GYE community, unable to meet our eyes.
I dont believe he expected the fight. And what a fight it was!

And what did you do RIGHT AFTER  ? You came straight back to GYE, admitted your fall, and then went to sleep. YOu didnt give your 'friend' the pleasure of being the last thought in your mind as you drifted off. You closed your eyes on pictures of honest, caring friends, who at that very moment may have been reading about your fall, yet you still knew that you could count on them being there in the morning. No one would be running away in disgust. You knew that.

How wisely you set the stage for your immediate return!! By the time you logged in today, posts of encouragement and love were waiting to greet you!

And more than that. You posted such wisdom, such honest to goodness straightforward honesty from the heart, that you have us all sitting here in wonder and awe. Your return, and reply has strengthened not only yourself, but all of us. AND THAT WAS THE VERY LAST THING THE YH EXPECTED OR WANTED!!!!

So as I said; Im not sure Uri's fall was a win for the yh at all. It was a win for Uri, and a win for all of us.

Chazak v'ematz - and forward!
Your very proud mommy, 7 up

P.S. I know you said no more compliments, but I just cant help it when its pure truth. So tough