BTW anybody see Uri? Did he get stuck on the wrong side of the mechitza?

The Fall

I’m broken
I’m feeling down
Hashem my love
nowhere to be found

I try to stay strong
but I just fall again.
When will the day come
when this nightmare will end?

My son my son
I’m right here by your side!
Why would I go
And why would I hide?

Do you think I'd leave you
when you need me most??
My child I love you
says the heavenly Host.

Walking down the road
my heart is torn.
Why can't I be good?!
And stop watching porn?!

There surely must be
a special place for me in hell.
It's the forth time already
this week that I fell.

My son my son
Please pick yourself up
Why do you beat yourself??
Enough is enough!

I gave you the hardest mission
this'll take a bit.
But it'll never get done
if yourself you always hit.

Hashem must be so mad at me
I say to myself
I keep breaking my word
Hurting my neshama’s health.

Will I ever be clean
Will I ever be good?
When will I be perfect
Always doing what I should??

My child did you not listen
When I said you were my son.
Does a father leave his child?
You are my only one.

The test I gave
Takes a lifetime to fulfill.
My son please have some patience
You’ll make it, yes you will.

Ok.This is quite hard for me to say,but I must anyway.
People have been telling me that I've been too intense on the forum.
Also,I sense in myself this annoyance sometimes when I go through the forum.
I was aware the whole time that it comes from a need for some control and stability.
But until now I didn't realize the extent.
Chatai ani mazkir hayom...

As I work with rav shlachter on trying to let go of my various controls and "securities",I find myself desperate at times for any form of security.
My desire for an emotional connection with a woman is stronger than it has been in a long time.
And this desperation showed itself on the forum,too.
As this is one of my biggest places of security,I sometimes hold on too much.
I find myself spending an abnormal amount of time on the forum,and sensing any "controls" on the forum very acutely.
And I have responded in kind.I have so strongly wanted to ensure this place of security that I have been too strong minded and even confrontational at times,all to feel secure.
I so badly want to be sure that I am headed in the right direction that I have pushed my BAD WORD REMOVEDta too strongly at times,just to feel that my path is correct for me.
As I sensed this,I tried taking a step back,but I found leaving this place of security a little too difficult.
So from now on,I will try to let go of this need to control and hear people out more,without feeling too threatened.
Alas,Rome was not built in a day,but I shall try my hardest.

My love to all
-Uri

Recently I've been feeling a good bit of anxiety and depression,something which for a while dissappeared.
I've been thinking alot about what rav shlachter said:a person cannot handle being a place with neither control or trust.That's how ive been feeling lately.Ive been working on letting go of control alot,and trust takes a bit to build,so right now im sort of hanging in thin air.
Maybe meanwhile,i could try for some control...though im not sure exactly how to do that anymore...
I just feel tired and worn out.
Life is so big and scary sometimes.
What can I do to assuage my fears?
Hashem!!

Massive gray hallway...lots of strange unknown faces....the child grabs even stronger ontu his fathers pants...please dad i dont want to go...not today....tommorow
uri i told u i have to go to work i dont have time for this now
please.ill go with u to work...im scared
shut up stop being a baby ur pissing me off
dad the child is begging please
his father starts walking back towards the stairwell
the child follows happily yay were going home
his father stops suddenly in the stairwell
the child looks at him confused beseeching
daddy...
it happens quickly
the blow to his face knocks him to the floor
the child sits there stunned too stunned to cry
the father walks away...
the tears are frozen to his face as the child sits traumautized...
he sits there for a long time...
finally he gets up and walks into the classroom the tears still on his face dry as ice
he is no longer afraid...
at least not of school.

bored?
right now my parents are arguing (the only time they ever speak) as usual and my dads like why do u always yell?!and my mothers like "its uri.that kid is so dissapointing"
"i know.he's really disgusting."
"I dont know what he learns in yeshiva.how does he act like this?"

and all that happened was me coming home from work and getting yelled at my mom for being lazy and not helping in the house and not being home this shabbos and disgusting her.

at least theyre talking.usualy they just rip each other to peices (verbally)