Uri wrote on 07 Dec 2009 18:28:

me too.

hanging off a cliff, huh.
well i really hope that with your free hand your dialing someone's number.... mom or sturggle or momo or R' S or imtrying ... anyone else? (no particular order, people.... just israeli people)
cuz when you call them they're gonna speed over to pick you up.

Uri wrote on 07 Dec 2009 18:33:

G-d, please help all us addicts. and especially Uri now, cuz he's asking for help.

im at one of their places right now.

safe house.
don't you love family?

Uri wrote on 07 Dec 2009 16:38:
Sorry for getting into a highjacking thing, as Kutan put it, tempting as it was to actually ramp it up under the pretense of "building character" (oh, my older son just loves when I say that one! :), still, I love you too much to do that. Besides, i have this fantasy that you are coming to a town near me in the US where we'd meet and you'd kick my dupa (polish for -edited).

So, after repeated readings of your bittersweet litany, I keep seeing that just about each thing you let loose about is something I have repeatedly felt over the years and sometimes still do but just don't have the luxury to keep hold of them any more, apparently.
Anyway, there's one that gets my tzitzis all in a bunch:
im letting go of control but i dont find any trust coming in.
and im afraid of trying to get trust from pple cause that's "control"
1- trust doesn't "come in" for me, I find it/am given it after trying the tools they teach me to use to let go of my fears, resentment, pride, whatever...
2- when you talk of 'control', do you mean control of outcomes? The reality is that we do not really have the control we tell ourselves that we have anyway, especially over others. Egomaniacs with inferiority complexes like me have a particularly hard time learning how to let go of how things turn out/what people around us actually do. After all, they really need us, don't they - they are so screwed up (the jerks)!!!! It feels like we are being a -edited, but actually we are getting more helpful instead of just more manipulative. And just ask any cassanova (you may know one): manipulation is the name of the game...especially when that good 'ol outcome is so, so predictable...
Hatzlocha!
Love,
Dov

Uri, I know the feeling. I'm in that funk now. The wife is already worried and tip toeing around me

Uri, remember 2 steps forward 1 step back?
Only malachim keep moving without falling or stumbling
And by my personal count, youve gone a lot further than 2 forward since your last "1 back".
More like 2200 forward!

Be patient with yourself.
With Hashems help
You CAN do this
-and He's helping even if you dont want Him too!

uri, don't let go with the other hand. Suicide never helped anyone, (at least as far as we know.  )

The fact you are recognizing your real issues more and more, is normal for anyone who makes progress. The ba'al Hasulam writes that when a person enters real avodas Hashem he starts to feel he's going backwards. The more progress he makes, the more he sees how he only meant "himself" (ego) all along... He gets more and more clarity and "hakarat Hara"... And that is the biggest sign of progress. because it is only when we recognize WHAT is wrong with us that we have a proper "vessel" for change and for Hashem's light to shine in.

You are very close.

Besides, don't you recognize this roller-coaster pattern already? The down is just the dip before the ride up... Haven't you been posting time and time again in the past weeks that you've never felt freer and happier before? Never felt so connected with life? I can bring you many posts like this from you! So obviously something is working, most of the time... The downs are inevitable too. That's how progress progresses   Actually, that's when progress is in PROGRESS. When you're down and let go and trust, you progress even MORE.

It will pass. Get some sleep. You'll LIVE.

Wow. It's absolutely true. I am in a health-related field and have seen most of the folks with flexibility problems, for example, improve and soon after, begin to really express bitterness at their limitations and backsliding, even though the numbers show significantly improved motion. Chronic pain suferrers often do the same thing. They still see their old selves - but through their new eyes. Give me a shot at explaining, be"H:
It seems that when we are way out of the parsha of thinking honestly and of feeling real feelings, we have standards mainly based on comfort and learned blindness. They worked for us for so long in our sickness.

As soon as we begin to be able to do better, we become fully aware of our smallness and spiritual poverty. When we start to see that there really is a big, giant reality outside ourselves, and begin to feel real feelings rather than the emotional costume of romantic hollywood-driven crap (which was was my mainstay...started with Lost in Space, then Star Trek...oh, I digress), does it finally become painfully clear to us how devastatingly dishonest we actually tend to be and how numb we really are. So we start to see with new eyes, but do not accept that we would not even have that new vision of ourselves had we not actually grown and changed in the first place!

We can't afford to see our old sucky self through our new, improved eyballs. We need to see our growing selves through our growing eyes. Still somewhat fragile, often afraid, often lonely, etc., but growing along spiritual lines on His timetable, for a change. (BTW, if we got clarity at our nutty timetable we'd be given way too much clarity for our present character and certainly go kotzetz some netiyos, or worse.....that's why they three who went into the Pardes ended up that way, i think...another digression!)

Disclaimer: If this was fraught with irredeemable dovish, too bad. At least neither of us was doing naughty stuff for the duration...

wow.
i gotta try me some of whatever y'all are having.

thanks for the amazing posts.
and uri, if you don't appreciate them, can i have them?
again... wow.

dov wrote on 08 Dec 2009 00:52:


Uri, you seem to bring out the best in Dov!
Thanks Dov for your wonderful words of insight

Not that you need my stamp of approval, but that was a great post Dov.

Momo, if you connect with it, I think that's great! And thanks so much for the encouragement. I'd wear your stamp proudly anywhere, as long as it has no cholent on it...

.....i thought it was for Uri, too...........sushi anyone?

I'm feeling a little insecure and exposed right now just I just acted out.
My natural reaction is to "take control" andgo into a funk (internal control) or smoke (external control).
I dont want to be on defense the whole day.
But after acting out,I feel so exposed (being as i just let go of control).
I need chizzuk.
I dont want to be in defense mode all day.
I want to be fragile!

I'm not sure I understand...