not sure.
as we speak,my parents are yelling considerations about divorce.
my mother is yelling (windows open)about how she gets depressed around him and hes a terrible husband.
hes saying that shes an emotional bi*** and that he regrets the day he married her.
it's very tense and very emotional.

one of my closest friends is getting married tonight.
i was gonna go with my parents but they aren't taking me (last minute decision)
so now im frantically searching for a ride and the wedding is in an hour and i cant concentrate because my mom is yelling "YEA?IM CRAZY????ILL SHOW YOU IM CRAZY""
"you are a peice of sh**"
"YEA?iLL SHOW YOU WHOSE A PEICE OF -----"

take buses...
leave now.
i think that's the best idea i've thought of in ages...
you leaving your house...

www.creatingwords.com/articles/general/abusive.htm

Uri, normally I would agree with the SMMCMD approach ("shoot-my-mom-chainsaw-my-dad"), but ever since I've spoken to Rav Shlachter I've learned that you can't fight control with control. Your desire to massacre & mutilate them is your subconscious way of "subtly" regaining control over a situation that you feel is out of your control. Instead, I suggest biting the bullet (before firing it), leaving the house, and putting your complete trust in: yourself, the world, and in Hashem - to care for you.

i cant take it anymore  :-[

was that an i can't take it anymore and i'm taking the next plane to the US
or an "i can't take it anymore and i'm going to borrow my neighbor's gun"

i just cant
i just cant think straight about places to stay
and i hate bouncing from one persons house to another
i cant take much more of this

scrwe this bottom line thing f it im out

no your not
stop a second, just one,
and think why you wana cross your bottom line.

think again

is it worth it?

From Rav Shlachter:

Parents who are aware of the physical and emotional stages of development that their children undergo, and who interpret correctly the attempts to take control, which are in order to fill what's missing in the child's feeling of security, will allow the child the protected space required for their emotional self-development. By doing this, they will be greatly helping their children learn to trust them - and to trust in themselves. This will automatically reduce to a minimum their dependence on control in order to feel secure and protected.

In contrast, parents who find it difficult to reduce their control and disconnect their own feelings for the benefit of their children, will find that the more their child develops their own emotional independence, the more they will feel their own feelings of control and security questioned. This will translate into attempts to control the natural processes that their child is undergoing through futile attempts to stifle and squash the emotional independence that their child is developing. Not only will they ultimately not succeed, but they will also cause irreversible damage to their child's trust in them-  and in himself, and will only strengthen the child's need and dependence on control to once again feel secure and protected.

Do you understand now why you want to bottom-out? It's clear as day...

(By the way, I am posting this in bits and peices because I am translating it mamash now, in these moments, for today's chizuk e-mail... I was supposed to translate this article a few days ago already, but I couldn't seem to get to it... Now though, exactly when Uri needs to hear this, Hashem got me to translate it and post it, paragraph by paragraph, as I finish them... The article is brilliant, and it explains exactly what Uri is going through. By "taking out your parents" [no, not to dinner] or by breaking your bottom line, you are attempting to regain control... This is fully understandable... But as we see in the next paragraph, it won't help...)

Continuation...

Trust leads to trust, and control leads to more control. It is impossible to fight control with control. The only way to let go of the need to control is by strengthening trust. And the way to build trust is through letting go of control. Nature abhors a vacuum. When there is a lack of one of them, the other one will come and quickly fill its place. This is because a person cannot exist without the feeling of security and protection, not even for a moment.

Stay tuned for the next paragraph, as Hashem talks to Uri through Rav Shlachter....

Continued...

In the relationship between parents and their children, husbands and wives, friends, or in social interactions of any type, and much more so in peoples own relationships with themselves - especially someone with a compulsive nature, or who suffers from anxiety, or who suffers from an addiction (all of which stem from the lack of trust they have in themselves and in the world around them); in order to feel secure and protected, they are driven to use control frequently. However, paradoxically, the very fact that they are completely dependant on control is likely to remove the feeling of security that the control gives them, and cause them to feel exposed, hurt, and without a feeling of security and protection. And in order to return the feeling of security to themselves as fast as they can, they will use the only way they know how and will wage an all-out in a battle of control through futile attempts to regain control over their control, and this will only strengthen the need for more control! Is there any way out of this vicious cycle?

Only one paragraph to go... But that's the clincher paragraph that holds the answer!

Last paragraph...

In light of what we have explained about trust and control and the direct relationship between them, the answer to this question is clear as day. Precisely now, when they feel unprotected and completely powerless, and when they recognize that even control does not help them to feel secure and protected, lies the golden opportunity for them to embark on a new path. All they have to do is to stop trying to fight to control their control, which will anyway be futile, and instead, simply admit defeat and completely surrender. Then, the very surrender and powerlessness that they feel will suddenly remove at once the bonds of control, and in place of the control will naturally rush in a strong feeling of trust that will fill them with a feeling of security and protection - as strong as that of a babe in its mother's arms.

Uri, do you realize how Hashem is speaking to you?? This article describes EXACTLY what you're going through - and it gives you the solution too.

NOW, precicely NOW, when you feel completely powerless, hurt, lost, and exposed,  - and you want to fight these impossible feelings in the only way you know how - by trying to regain control in the only ways that we addicts know how , precisely NOW lies your golden opportunity for a new path! NOW is where you can be literally REBORN. Just "let go" of the burning need for control completely! You know it won't help anyway! And as soon as you let go of it, trust will naturally come flooding in!

bni, ani hayom yeliditicha!

Hmmm...conversations about guns...and scenes of my childhood (did not have a gun then. ) ...sounds all so familiar. Hence, the Atlantic between myself and my parents. Works out well.