sytv2002 wrote on 06 Dec 2024 04:44:
I just fell. Again. I have found porn on what everyone thinks is a basic app that everybody has. TWO OF THEM. I feel like it's everywhere. I'm in so much pain right now. How am I supposed to block this stuff out of my life. I am seriously dating - like dropped the shadchan because that's what is serious in the yeshivish world - a really great girl who I can see myself potentially marrying. How could I have just done this to her. She doesn't know. She probably won't know. But she deserves someone better than what I just did. I know I'm being hard on myself but I'm honestly so sad and feel so hopeless. I just don't believe that it's possible to be fully clean. How. I feel like the only way to go is to get rid of my phone. But I'm not at that level. I can't do that. Filters won't work there's always another way. The guilt is insane. I'm just here to help and honestly BEG for something. Something that'll give me just a bit of hope. Something that will take away a bit of that guilt from what I just did. Hashem might understand. He loves me and is compassionate. So between us maybe I'm not so bad. But for this girl, this bas yisroel, she doesn't deserve this. How can I keep doing this. And yet I still do. Over and over and over. I'm open to whatever help and guidance I can get. To those of you here that have succeeded, please daven for me. Your winning fight has you on levels higher than I can imagine and I just know Hashem won't ignore those tefilos. I would give my name I just can't. Please just daven for me.
Hey brother. Having once unfortunately been in a very similar situation to the one you described, the only Nechama that I could possibly give is that I once thought the exact same thing about myself. Bum, failure, fraud, liar, lowlife, scumbag, never will get married, never will be able to raise a loving, warm family-to the point that I would even lie in bed wondering if I should just stop dating and give up (there were even times when I would cry myself to sleep wondering if it would be better if I didn't wake up the next morning).
And Chasdei Hashem, today I am happily married to the most incredible, loving woman in the world, learning in Kollel in EY, and have been clean for almost 400 days, B'li Ayin Hara. To say that I once thought this was impossible for me would be putting it mildly.
Don't give up, my friend. You're a fighter beyond anything most people can comprehend. Keep fighting tooth and nail, because you WILL win, I promise you. If I can help in any way, please LMK (
eternalwarrior613@gmail.com).
And when you do find your Bashert (B'karov Mamesh BE"H!), please let us know.
