sytv2002 wrote on 06 Dec 2024 04:44:

Hey brother. Having once unfortunately been in a very similar situation to the one you described, the only Nechama that I could possibly give is that I once thought the exact same thing about myself. Bum, failure, fraud, liar, lowlife, scumbag, never will get married, never will be able to raise a loving, warm family-to the point that I would even lie in bed wondering if I should just stop dating and give up (there were even times when I would cry myself to sleep wondering if it would be better if I didn't wake up the next morning).
And Chasdei Hashem, today I am happily married to the most incredible, loving woman in the world, learning in Kollel in EY, and have been clean for almost 400 days, B'li Ayin Hara. To say that I once thought this was impossible for me would be putting it mildly.
Don't give up, my friend. You're a fighter beyond anything most people can comprehend. Keep fighting tooth and nail, because you WILL win, I promise you. If I can help in any way, please LMK (eternalwarrior613@gmail.com).
And when you do find your Bashert (B'karov Mamesh BE"H!), please let us know.

Hi sytv2020,

Just checking in. How are you doing? are you still dating that girl? Has life improved in  any way? have you connected with anyone here?

We care about you and want to see you succeed!

Muttel

sytv2002 wrote on 06 Dec 2024 04:44:

Your. Experience is normal and par for the course. This is a long battle and there will be falls along the way. Feel free to reach out 

Wow. Hey friends. It’s been a while. First off I want to thank all of you who have reached out and left encouraging messages and I also want to apologize for not responding. I just don’t have the motivation to be checking in consistently. But there’s motivation now so I’ll use it. So to catch you all up… 
I wish I could give you all better news, but the truth is I’m still struggling. Truth is I don’t feel as guilty as the past falls; I’ve truly embraced that this is a part of me and all Hashem wants from me is to struggle and fight. So I will continue to struggle and fight. As for the past 3 months… it’s been hard. Real hard. This girl and I broke up. That took a real toll on me. I put everything into that relationship and long story short Hashem decided it wasn’t meant to be. As for my fight with pornography, I can’t say it’s much better. My laptop (which I got years ago for college and since completed) has really only been in use for porn and YouTube. My therapy sessions have been primarily focused on this fight, so I definitely have not given up. As for those 2 apps. I deleted one app but the other is still such a struggle because I use it so much throughout the day (I dont want to say what it is in case C”V someone else falls on it) Lets fast forward to this past week. I had a big fall on my laptop a week ago. I felt so bad that I made the decision to snap my laptop in half. I’m done with it. Come the next day I sit down to get a password off of it(my GYE password so I could use the app) and of course the YH wins and I don’t break my laptop. I fall a few more times that week without my laptop and then comes tonight. Side note- 3 days ago I decided to restart my “hours” program, which is similar to ODAAT. This version pretty much means that after each fall a add a few hours of time where I control myself between falls. So first round after a fall I waited 24 hours, then after the next fall bumped up to 36 hours, then 42,46…. My first time trying this I got to 74 hours and then it was too much where I ended up falling withen 24 hours 3 straight times and then gave up. So now is round 2. Except tonight. Just a few hours ago. Withen 24 hours. It started on the app and then moved to the laptop. I indulged for 2+ hours. And I promise you I did not enjoy it. I felt like a zombie. Like I NEEDED it but didn’t actually want it. After the fall I got my motivation back and did what I should’ve done a week ago. I snapped my laptop in half. But it wouldn’t actually break lol. So I took a screwdriver (couldn’t find a hammer) and destroyed the screen. I did this right outside my house and then left it in the garbage can for tomorrows 6am pickup. It’s done. My laptop will no longer cause me harm.

Now I have conflicting feelings. Like who cares that I did that. I just watched porn and masturbated for 2 hours. You think your a good person? Sure buddy. I hate that I feel terrible for the bad thing I did tonight, and that I can’t feel good about the good thing I did tonight. Like I don’t feel like breaking my laptop means anything. I don’t know. Talk about breaking free lol. For those of you still reading, thank you. I would love your input. And now that I have the app, I’ll hopefully stick around a little more. Please keep davening for me❤️

Hi. Thank you for caring. I’m so sorry I have not responded. The answers to your questions are no, I am not still dating her, we broke up 2 months ago, and yes, it still hurts. Life itself outside of girls has bh been amazing Hashem is so good to me. I have not really connected to people here because I lack the motivation, but I have a feeling I’ll be around now a little more… I would love if you’d read my recent post. I replied to myself with an update. Let’s be in touch!

Thank you. From the bottom of my heart. I’m crying again. From hope or from despair I’m not really sure. I wish that I believed you fully. I want to. I just can’t understand the possibility of it. I have not found my bashert yet. I haven’t even been out since the one I wrote about. The process hurts. It all hurts. But Hashem has a plan that much I know. I wish I could email you I just would be more comfortable staying anonymous. Thank you and please be in touch

Here's a really tight hug. I'm crying with you

I read your post and boy was it a gut punch… so much pain, difficulty…..

We’re here for you, brother…..

Muttel