Yes.

Pardon my assumption, but you aren't Rashi nor Rav Chaim Kanievsky. If the comparison motivates you, then that is wonderful. If you are just saying "well, I'm not and may never be like that" then that's 100% true. You aren't them. You aren't even future you yet. By your thought process basically everyone would give up because we're all 'not' something. We're all working towards it. A ben aliya is someone going up. Whether you are here or there is a separate cheshbon from what direction you are going in. 

I'm my personal opinion, take it or leave it, you are setting unrealistic and unfair standards for yourself that will only lead to despair. If you are working on it, then you are a ben aliya. Fall or not, if you pick yourself up and keep going, you are still a mountain climber.

Being nichshol isn't what comes between you becoming a Gadol. Becoming a Gadol is what's coming between you and wanting to stop being nichshol.

BenHashemBH wrote on 01 Nov 2024 17:16:

AMEN! Somebody please put this on a t-shirt.

Markz wrote on 01 Nov 2024 13:47:

Hey, brother, here’s a warm hand. I want to add my voice to the chorus of Chizzuk. 

But, in addition to agreeing with what Ben and Shem have written, I think that this post from Rabbeinu Markz is GOLD , and it contains a very powerful message that’s worthwhile thinking about. 

Have you thought about what caused you to fall? What lead up to it?

So many times, we struggle with various forms of pain in life. A lot of us here unfortunately learned to use various forms of negative stuff as a solution to the problems in life… understanding how tgat has worked for you can be extremely helpful. 

Not only because you can better plan to help deal with lifes painful stuff in a better way.  But also because, understanding this about yourself can help you see yourself with Rachmanus and caring, instead of self- loathing. 

Here's a warm hug. GYE means hope. You can and will learn how to live real, and fly free. Your Neshoma Kedosha , and you deserve it. 

Chaim Oigen 

BenHashemBH wrote on 01 Nov 2024 17:16:

Trust me I'm a long way off from being a godol.

Our kollel system places a goal to produce people who are serious talmidei chachomim who will keep torah going and continue it to the next dor. A part of Klal yisroel's continuation is due to yidden who excelled in their limud hatorah. Otherwise the Torah would be forgotten

In our wonderful dor, we have something which I don't think ever existed. True, yidden through the generations always struggled with actual aveiros and that was always their avodas Hashem wherever they were at. No one ever said they were tzadikim. (The Tanya writes that a beinoni is someone who struggles with his yetzer horo but doesn't fall.) Today the system pushes for yungerleit as 'bnei torah' who are sitting and learning 'al taharas hakodesh'. Like someone mentioned in the last few days they're told that 'Klal yisroel needs you'. That leads to the frustration I wrote about, where you are learning a full day in kollel supposedly living the holy life, but at the same time struggling with aveiros in the other direction. It  creates a major identity crisis

Shalom Brother,

You are a good person. 
If we can forget about Klal Yisroel for a moment - You need you. 

Whatever aveiros people need to work on, they can still be holy. Working on it makes them even more holy. Your aveiros are not your identity. Try to separate that from your self image. Your challenges are designed by Hashem to facilitate your ultimate growth. Every guf starts as a stira to the neshama. 

You ARE sitting and learning al taharas haKodesh. Feeling good about that learning and about yourself will give you the strength to stop. Feeling bad about it and invalidating yourself because of it only serves to sap your motivation. 

The contradiction you feel is normal. That's what life is. A divine struggle. 

You are a pure, holy Neshomo Kedosha.

neshomo kedosha wrote on 03 Nov 2024 08:40:


I want to add one more point to the responses here. While we don't know Hashem's cheshbonos, it's clear that this generation, מקטן ועד גדול, is experiencing a nisayon like no other. I would say, as many wiser people have pointed out, that there's a strong aspect of אונס running through this challenge. I was exposed to porn at age 10, well before I had the tools or חינוך to handle it. Thousands of hidden are suffering, thinking they are without tools or hope to break free. As you've noted, there are also more yungerleit than ever. Now we can debate about the systematic nature of this kollel affair, with its many pros and some cons. It occurs to me though, imagine how powerful בני תורה who have been through this struggle, and came out the other side victorious, will be! What a boon for כלל ישראל! And you don't have to imagine, because here on GYE, there are so many choshuve בני תורה who have risen to the challenge, and are saving yidden daily! All this is to say, perhaps instead of viewing yourself as a hopeless סתירה, view yourself as a future גדול בישראל, one who can save the next דור. One thing is for sure, you don't have this נסיון by accident! I have no doubt that that you can overcome it, and use your אהבת ה׳, which is bursting through the pain in your posts, to turn all your falls to זכויות! Klal yisroel needs you!!!

Humbly,
iwantlife

neshomo kedosha wrote on 03 Nov 2024 08:40:

The nisyonos that you have are the the ones that hashem tailor made for you.  Work through them and you will grow into the best version of yourself possible.  Once you rid yourself of the distractions of lust etc you will be able to see yourself in a much clearer and positive light.  Your identity crisis will disappear.  

iwantlife wrote on 03 Nov 2024 15:22:

Sorry for butting in... love every word besides for that one line...

What if our dear friend neshomo kedosha is NOT on the level of becoming a future גדול בישראל?
What if he will NOT be able to start a global organisation that will be מציל the next generation?
What if he will ONLY be able to become a great person for himself and ONLY help his own children + maybe a few of his future talmidim?
Is it still worth fighting this beast?

Everyone is obsessed with becoming a Gadol... I just don't get it... I don't blame you, we've been brain washed this way from a very young age.

You're right that the בני תורה of today will be on a higher level than in any previous generation to a certain extent, but that is regardless to weather he will or will not become an outstanding, influential personality.

Perhaps you can rephrase it like his: view yourself as a future גברא רבה, an ehrliche Yid, a צדיק, an עבד נאמן of הקב”ה. Someone who brings tremendous שפע רוחני וגשמי to this generation through his עבודת השם בקדושה וטהרה. 

Please forgive me for poking my nose in... I'm now quickly running back into my burrow to fix my own problems...

I think we were (or at least I was) using the term 'Gadol' loosely to mean what you are saying. Striving for your own greatness in fulfilled potential. 

Bishvili Nivra Olam. From the King to the fool, we all need to believe and feel our own self worth.

Kol tov

You're always welcome to poke your nose in. I didn't mean to feed any obsession. Of course one must first focus on himself and his family as reasons for vanquishing this beast. My point simply is, if you are operating under the assumption that 'klal yisroel needs you', don't think that your struggle is a stirah. It may in fact be the cornerstone of your greatness. And when I say the next dor, I don't mean starting any new organizations. Every time you post, empathize, or even debate on this holy forum, you may very well be saving someone. I can say I personally been saved through the wonderful gedolim here on GYE, and I'm determined to pay it forward, to the best of my ability.

Dear neshama kedosha:

I want you to know that I felt exactly the same way untill 50 days ago.
I'm not a kollel yungerman struggling with this while needing to one day be there for the next generation. 
I'M THERE ALREADY I'm bh a magid shiur that's there for my talmudim, in the last few years I wasn't only being there for them while also struggling, I WAS A WALKING STIRA, I was "helping" them with this struggle while knowing deep down what a 2 facer liar jerk I am.

But BH hashem brought me to this great community and needless to say 27 days later I was basically healed and now 50 days later I'm no longer that walking STIRA, I'm just a normal person who was placed by hashem into the role of magid shiur and no I'm not the up coming gadol hador I'm just there for whoever hashem wants me to be for, talmudim and now also my fellow brothers here on GYE.

My friend you are the same, your a great guy don't doubt yourself that can only have a negative effect on you like it had on me. Just appreciate the position hashem put you in, and use it to the best of your ability and bring out the greatness from deep within you.

With love rebakiva 

If we are describing a 'gadol' as someone who has a long line of people outside their door asking for advice and brachos, yes, it's statistically unlikely you will reach that level. There are only a handful in each generation. 
And anyways, is that a goal? I've never heard that being on people's sukkah walls is a goal for a Jew to have. 

If we are discussing someone who HKBH gave them and extremely difficult challenge, one that may consume his life, a challenge that will be on your mind day and night, will require tremendous work in order to fix and attain holiness? Yes, that is something you absolutely CAN achieve. 
We are told that every Jew can be like Moshe. The Rambam paskens that way. A Jewish child cannot be nursed by a non Jewish woman. Explaining the GRA, that this is because every Jew can be a pel el peh medaber im haschina like moshe. Does that mean every Jew will go on Har Sinai and get the Torah? Of course not. But every person has the potential to reach THEIR potential. 


Now all this is hypothetical. 
Because it happens to be that this nisayon does not have to consume us day and night. 
While it may be hard to believe at first, it is a fact that this nisayon is much more of learning how to manage where it comes from and does not require us to white nuckle our way through life. Sometimes we think that we will have the challenge of Yossef Hatzadik 24/7. It doesn't have to be that way at all. 
Because then you'll fall dozens of times.once you learn how to break free, the challenge becomes far more manageable. 
Take it from me. A broken soul 65 days ago. A soaring a free soul now. 
There is a way to real free. Stick around. Shmooze to the people here. You will be successful. You absolutely have it in you to succeed. 

iwantlife wrote on 03 Nov 2024 19:22:

Thanks for clarifying. 
It was just an allergic reaction i had to those words...

Just want to add my 2 cents here, though late to the party (again!).

Welcome! Your pain, evident in your posts, is so familiar to me and many others here.... As Reb Akiva and others mentioned, we all fell many times.... But many of us have made it out....

Looking forward to seeing big things from you!

Muttel

neshomo kedosha wrote on 01 Nov 2024 10:58:

I didn't read all the replies, so what I'm writing might be redundant, but in any case, it's important for me to remember as well.

There's a piece of Ramban that changed my perspective on Avodas Hashem. It's in Parshas Ki Seitzei on the Mitzvah of Shiluach haKan. I won't detail what he wrote there, but I urge you to look it up. In essence, there's nothing we can do for Hashem. Our Mitzvos don't make him feel good, and our Aveiros don't hurt him. It's all about us. Always. That's not a bug; it's by design. It's to make us the best version we can be.

אם־חטאת מה־תפעל־בו ורבו פשעיך מה־תעשה־לו 
אם־צדקת מה־תתן־לו או מה־מידך יקח 

If you sin, what do you do to Him?
If your transgressions are many, how do you affect Him?
If you are righteous, what do you give Him;
What does He receive from your hand?

He's not sitting up there, waiting to hear your davening, and when you skip a day (because you masturbated?), he goes, "Dang it! Now my day is ruined!" Instead, what happens is that we miss an opportunity to improve.

But as our wise king said:
אם חכמת חכמת לך ולצת לבדך תשא 
If you are wise, you are wise for yourself;
If you are a scoffer, you bear it alone.