Fell last night for the first time since RH/YK.

Now I had to get up and do the whole rosh chodesh davening. Can't be bothered anymore. What for. Meheicha teisa Hashem wants to hear my tefilos. What is the point of starting zman, my learning is not for Hashem. It's just meant to make me feel better about myself. It's just messed up.

And before you all tell me that I'm great for holding out throughout the month. It's not because I was trying to do the right thing. Poshut, I know that if I can't even control myself after Yom kippur than I am totally screwed. Not that it makes a major difference, at the end of the day look where I am now.

Life sucks

I'm so sorry for you my dear brother... my eyes are tearing... I totally understand you..
Life is a tough journey.. 
One thing is clear: Hashem loves you to bits! He is not bogged down about the fact that you fell. All he wants is for you to turn to him and to come 1 step closer to Him. When he created man he didn't expect him to be perfect. For perfection Hashem has created מלאכים. Humans werecreated for the imperfection. For us to work on ourselves and to try hard. See the Hakdama of the Chinuch where he explains this concept beautifully.
אל תתייאש - מהשם תבקש

Stay strong,
ביחד ננצח
UpAndDown

One thing you can't deny is your honesty spilling out of every word of your post. WOW!

Oy, I feel for you, we've all experienced that let down of falling and feeling like we just can't get clean, I really wish I had more time right now to write down all my thoughts, but I want to let you know that Hashem definitely does love you and wants your teffilos and that you definitely can break out of this, and even if life feels like it sucks right now, there is a future for you in which it will not feel that way. Please reach out to me or any of the other amazing guys on this site for more chizuk and help (my number and email is in my signature). Hatzlachah Rabbah! We are all rooting for you, please please please stay in the fight, there is light at the end of the tunnel.

Dear Brother,
I'm so sorry, but know that now more than ever Hashem wants your tefillos. He wants your Hallel. 
Take the "Meheicha teisa" and the "Poshut" and return them to the YH, because they belong to him. 

'שִׁ֥יר הַֽמַּֽעֲל֑וֹת מִמַּֽעֲמַקִּ֖ים קְרָאתִ֣יךָ ה
ה’ שִׁמְעָ֪ה בְק֫וֹלִ֥י תִּֽהְיֶ֣ינָה אָ֖זְנֶיךָ קַשֻּׁב֑וֹת לְ֜ק֗וֹל תַּֽחֲנוּנָֽי
אִם־עֲו‍ֹנ֥וֹת תִּשְׁמָר־יָ-֑הּ ה’ מִ֣י יַֽעֲמֹֽד
כִּֽי־עִמְּךָ֥ הַסְּלִיחָ֑ה לְ֜מַעַ֗ן תִּוָּרֵֽא
קִוִּ֣יתִי ה ’קִוְּתָ֣ה נַפְשִׁ֑י וְלִדְבָ֘ר֥וֹ הוֹחָֽלְתִּי
נַפְשִׁ֥י לַֽה’ מִשֹּֽׁמְרִ֥ים לַ֜בֹּ֗קֶר שֹֽׁמְרִ֥ים לַבֹּֽקֶר
יַחֵ֥ל יִשְׂרָאֵ֗ל אֶל ה’ כִּֽי־עִם־ה’ הַחֶ֑סֶד וְהַרְבֵּ֖ה עִמּ֣וֹ פְדֽוּת
וְהוּא יִפְדֶּ֣ה אֶת־יִשְׂרָאֵ֑ל מִ֜כֹּ֗ל עֲוֹֽנוֹתָֽיו

You've probably said this kapitle 100s of times. Please read it and think about the meaning of the words.
No matter where we are, Hashem always wants us to connect with Him.
He is our loving Father, and the last thing He wants is that His children should feel too guilty to come home to Him.
This is a new morning. Today is a new day. What happened yesterday, last week, or 5 minutes ago does not stop you from making a choice right now. 

Life is hard, and that leaves us with sucky feelings. If we reach out to Hashem in spite of that, how much more precious is that relationship?
Take your time. Process and proceed in a healthy way. Know that your Father loves you always, and He is ready when you are.

Hatzlacha and Yeshuos

neshomo kedosha wrote on 01 Nov 2024 10:58:

This is a very common reaction for a lot of brothers here on GYE

I fell, therefore Life Sucks

IMHO it’s VERY often backwards. You’re beating about the wrong bush!

Say with me
“Life Sucks, THAT’s why I fell”

Now, who cares which way you say it??

Well, if it’s your way, then Porn is the problem. 
Go ahead fight with it 

If it’s my way, Porn is the solution. 
Focus on your problems and your solutions will change. It’s a different journey than Chopstix and 90 day races. 

I wish you well bro. 
We are here for you 

Thanks guys, I really appreciate all the support.

It's very nice that Hashem knows that we are human and will struggle. But at the end of the day I know that masturbating isn't compatible with the ben torah / ben aliyah life I'm (supposedly) living. 'Struggling is normal etc.' would be great if it was hirhur and maybe looking sometimes. That's a 'tzaddik's struggle. But come on, when I can't stop myself doing the aveira, what is my torah worth?

Things like oived avoida zoroh or niuf with eishes ish and the like, are considered the lowest of the totem pole in the torah. The torah's opinion of being Motzi zera levatolo isn't much higher. Great, todays dor etc. etc. So basically our dor is pretty rubbish even if it's not our fault. But then why are we all trying to shteig and become talmidei chachomim? Rashi wasn't struggling with zera levatolo while he was writing his peirush on chumash. Neither was R' Chaim Kanievsky with all his seforim. But I'm onstensibly a growing talmid chochom and guess what I'm getting up to in my spare time?

I'm stuck in this warped world where I am being pulled to two opposite worlds. I want to start zman with a geshmak, get into the sugyas properly. And I also just want to get myself an unfiltered device and do whatever the heck I want. It's totally messed up

Holy soul! I'm quite familiar too with the unique pain of operating at the highest levels of ruchniyus, putting 8+ good hours of learning in kollel, to falling to שאול תחתית all within 24 hours. It's אוי לי מיצרי אוי לי מיוצרי on steroids. It really hurts. Good news though! There many choshiveh yungerleit on GYE! So welcome to the club! For me, the only thing that worked to set me on the clean path is accountability. It's the first step in rewiring your brain to excise porn from it as the go-to feel good drug. Have you reached out to HHM? Thanks to him and his accountability program I'm over 100 days clean B"H, and he's the malach behind the success stories of many people here.

neshomo kedosha wrote on 01 Nov 2024 14:42:

Please see the Gemara Kiddushin 81. Many stories of Talmidei Chachamim struggling with tayva. We should not make assumptions on what we think people do or don't struggle with based on outward appearances.

As far as making comparisons to other aveiros and deciding which are the worst, these particular struggles carry a lot of stigma and cause additional guilt that impedes out efforts to see it as something that we can work on like anything else. 
Talmud Torah k'neged kulam and bittul Torah k'neged kulam. A 5-minute baseball shmooze in the coffee room during seder or a bit of lashon hara usually doesn't provoke the same despair.

What you are calling "messed up" is how it's supposed to work. Yes, we can affect the pulls, but having a yetzer hara is part of everyone's deal. This yetzer hara or that yetzer hara - it doesn't matter. Your challenges are not a stirah to your ability to learn Torah and become great. 

Trust the chevra who have been exactly where you are and were able to change things for the better. Follow their lead no matter what you think because It’s the way out.

I feel your pain. I have been in exactly that situation with precisely those feelings so many times!! It's so disheartening. It's so so difficult. 

Remember the Gemara end of Meseches Makos?
Reb Akiva and his Talmidim saw foxes roaming around on the מקום המקדש.
His talmidim cried. They saw and felt the churban.
Reb Akiva laughed. Why? Because he saw the נבואה being מתקיים. And just like the churban happened so too the גאולה will come. And perhaps more than that: החושך היא סיבת האור.

I saw your first post about your fall and i cried with you.
I read this last post now and this time I'm so excited for you. Because I can see a beautiful Neshomo Kedosha, a Neshomo that's on such a high level, כל הגדול מחבירו יצרו גדול הימנו, torn in 2 opposite directions, in deep pain, with pure שאיפות, desperate for תורה מתוך קדושה וטהרה - I see greatness!! It will come בס”ד. I promise you. 

We're in the same boat. 
Let's fight together this last battle which was clearly designed for our generation and not for Raschi and R Chaim Kanievski.

neshomo kedosha wrote on 01 Nov 2024 14:42:

Thank you for the brutally honest share. I feel ya.

I'm not gonna tell you that you're a tzadik and a hero and mamash a merkava for shechina. I'm certainly not gonna tell you that this is mamash exactly davka where HaShem wants you and you're basically Akeidas Yitzchak 2.0 every time you look away for even half a second.

I have no idea if that's true. Maybe it is or maybe you are "totally messed up", your "torah is worthless" and the dor might very well be "rubbish". Or not. No clue. I don't really care either way.

All I know is if you put in the work you can get out of the cycle. And by put in the work I don't mean just beat yourself up until you white knuckle through another month. Listen to what people who have walked this road are saying (as someone pretty close to the beginning of the road, I'm happy to schmooze too. PM me for my number). Buckle down and do what needs to be done. And somehow, one day at a time, it's possible you can get out (or be taken out) of this mess.

BenHashemBH wrote on 01 Nov 2024 15:13:

I'm not talking about the yetzer horo. For sure many gedolim struggle with desires and that's bseder. I mean that the actual fall is something that shters the status of a ben aliya. I don't beleive gedolim in their time of shteiging were being nichshol on a regular basis, to me, thats a stira to being a ben aliya

neshomo kedosha wrote on 01 Nov 2024 16:26:


FAKE NEWS.

A fall makes you be a able to be even a bigger ben aliya, by using the fall as a stepping stone to be  stronger and better then before.

גוט שבת

You're probably right about this. It should be pointed out though that it was also, at no point in history, possible to be nichshol in the way it is now. Heck, the Satmar Rebbe said " A yid in New York sees more pritzus in a day than a yid in the shtetl saw in his entire life". And that was pre-internet. So it's not clear to me that a ben aliya from 2024 looks the same as from 1924. I think that is BHBH's point.

That being said, if you're here on GYE, you already know that there is hope, a way to remove yourself from this cycle of being nichshol on a regular basis. And if there's a way, there's a will.