Yeshayahu 41:6 wrote on 09 May 2023 03:06:

You are still a product of a generation that is steeped in filth and objectification of women. One of the Roshei Yeshiva zatzal from the past generation said to me "I sit in my sforim shtub (my study) and rarely go on the street, and the toxic air from out there gets in even over here."  You saw billboards etc. BH you were spared the teenage years of torment so many others of us experienced, but there is no question that your subconscious was picking up a lot of garbage and sick ideas during that time period.

No one is excusing bad choices that we made; it is just important to be able to accept one's self by honestly analyzing what led up to those poor choices. What happens now? As a self confident guy who is at peace with himself, give yourself a kick in the pants and get to work.

Hashem Help Me wrote on 12 May 2023 11:22:

HHM,
Can you please come and kick me? Ive tried but im having a hard time kicking myself.....

Sure thing buddy. Come by and get your well-deserved hug. After that we can take care of the kick as well.

For the last week and a half I've been falling big time. I was going through something difficult emotionally, and my wife was not so available for about two months. I started listening to dirty podcasts and getting turned on. From there it was a losing battle. Last week on Monday I downloaded some porn and masturbated twice. I called HHM and we decided it would be a one time thing. But then a couple days later I did the same thing again. Now I'm on vacation in a place with no internet filter and my wife not around. I am overwhelmed by what's available online, as usually I have a filter and have to work around it. I really want to stop again and make this whole week into a one time thing. 
The images that look so pleasing so quickly become my tormentors. I feel like I'm not the baal habus in my own mind, instead I'm riding along with a barrage of filth. 
I need to remember that in spite of this behavior I'm a good person. I have struggled with this on and off for a long time, and the fact that I'm having a relapse doesn't undo anything. The fact that I just did a streak of 182 days should tell me that I can do it again, and learn from this experience I hope. 
I have another day left on this vacation. I will make this a day without falling. Though I don't think it will be a day without urges. I expect the urges to come. And when they do they will be full of promises about how wonderful and enchanting it would be. To enter the world where everything is allowed. Where all the girls just want to please. And I promise to remind myself then that the one making these promises is my arch enemy who wants me to spiral into a place where there is no goodness at all. This honey is poisoned. I don't want anymore of the poisonous honey

You got this. Try to make a goal just to be clean for 2 days, when you will be out of this situation.

The Yetzer Hara is gonna tell you that you have to give in "now that you have the opportunity." Make sure to be ready to tell him to go take a hike.

My dear friend and inspiration, Reb Simchas Torah, you are a wonderful person, and your triumphs are not lessened at all by your lapse. Hashem loves you, we love you, you have so much greatness, and you WILL triumph again! No one battle ever decides the war, and so many battles were won. You CAN do this! Keep reaching out to HHM, and keep us posted please. We are rooting for you!

simchastorah wrote on 16 Aug 2023 04:58:

My friend. May I suggest reading your thread here from the beginning? There’s a lot of pain, and a lot of deep goodness. 
There is someone here to respect and also to like… Have rachmanus and give yourself a hug. 
might make the good fight a little easier when you are rooting for the good guy…
Just a thought. 

Im rooting for you too. 
you have friends and admirers here. 

thank you for the divrei chizuk chevra. b'h yesterday passed in cleanliness. i got a bonus of feeling quite repulsed right now with p* b'h