Friday morning I often look at porn and masturbate, I have no work, so less on my plate.My wife goes back to sleep, so no issue there. I'm especially in danger right now becauseI'm feeling gross, because yesterday something embarrassing happened to me, and i hadsomething of a conflict with a coworker. Lately the way that I would deal with this is to escapeinto fantasy land, and then hate myself for the rest of the day. Then to get away from hatingmyself, I'll smoke a little weed, which just makes me feel more depressed.
Additionally I'm struggling right now because my wife is dealing with extreme anxiety. She'snot so mentally well, she's on 3 or 4 different medications, but still is in a state of strugglingto get anything done because of her anxiety. On top of that, we haven't been together in aroundthree months, she hasn't even gone to the mikva because of issues in our shalom bayis. I alsounfortunately have trouble being attracted to her, because of weight gain and some skin problems.
So right now there is a side of me that wants to just throw sechel to the wind and watch porn.But I really really don't want to do that. I want to be close to Hashem. And I want to behave ina way that I can respect, so that hopefully over time I can handle the different external difficultiesin my life without feeling so compelled to seek comfort in these unhealthy ways.
The truth is, I walk around feeling pretty bad about myself a lot of the time. I was badly abusedand bullied for around a year at age 13, though not sexually abused b'h. I still walk aroundwith these bad feelings about myself, and when anything goes wrong, it's magnified many timesbecause it's compounding the bad way that I already feel. It's very hard for me to bear all ofthese feelings, and I turn to porn, masturbation, weed, and some alcohol to deal with them.Unfortunately they all have terrible costs. So I need to learn to deal. Hashem help me.
 I generally keep everything to myself,because 1) I don't want people to look down on me,
2) I know that everyone is dealing with their own stuff, some more than others, and i don't want to burden them with my stuffand 3) I know that look down or not, people full of negativity are less pleasant to connectwith, and people will not want to associate with me.

Writing this all out, I'm filled with a tremendous sadness. At the same time though, I feel like maybe
I have a bit more of a chance to not descend into the hell of porn and self loathing

My dear friend, here we are your brothers. We don't look down at you, and we have room in our hearts and minds for everyone. Here you can share and no one is judging. Keep on posting, we want to hear from you! And may hashem shine His face upon you and may you and your wife know only of health and happiness in every way! Stand strong! Let us know what's going on my friend

simchastorah wrote on 10 Feb 2023 07:52:

Thank you for posting your story.  There are others here who have had similar experiences.  You can get better. You can learn to cope using other methods.  Please spend a few days here reading posts and responding to the ones that talk to you.  You will find a group of people that you can connect to and share.  Some of the suggestions will work better than others. Everyone is different in what exactly works for them.  The key is to stay connected.   

It is very important that you learn to have a positive perspective of yourself.  That will help take away a lot of the sadness.  It can be done.  None of us are perfect.  Accept that and move forward in the best way that you can right now.  Posting here was a great start. 

Wishing you tremendous success

vehkam 

simchastorah wrote on 10 Feb 2023 07:52:

It's so special that you have the courage to come here and write all this. You're going thru so much pain, we can't begin to imagine what it's like to deal with all of this. Being abused and bullied as a young teenager is very damaging as well. Been there... 
We are here for you! There is light at the end of the tunnel. Let's try one day at a time and we'll celebrate together with you.
Please stay connected, we need you. 

Thank G-d I made it through Friday and Shabbos. It's been almost a week without porn and masturbation.
The craving is pretty strong. I know that at least for a few minutes I would have relief from the pressure of
life. I just  spent the last two hours helping my wife do her job, because she's currently not able to get it done
on her own. As a person who's also struggling. I can feel compassion for her. But at the same time the fact
that she needs me so much at the time that I am also struggling makes me feel like there's no room for me.

simchastorah wrote on 11 Feb 2023 20:56:

Wow a full week clean!!! Amazing! Keep it up brother!!

btw love your username 

hey we’re is your karma?!?! I want to give you a few pluses…

Thanks for the support
How do I turn on karma?

simchastorah wrote on 12 Feb 2023 04:27:

Your very welcome!
go to your profile and click on edit profile and then on forum settings and there you can click to show or not show your karma…
Hatzlachah!

sleeepy wrote on 12 Feb 2023 04:54:

Just gave you one bro! I keep given you but someone keeps steeling them from you… I think you have a second account ( besides your shluffy account)and you make sure your karma stays down so you should become a big shot. TRUE OR FOULS?!?!

Lolol 
’m laughing so hard…
but let’s not hijack this thread… bring it on in your cheer up thread.
גוט וואך

simchastorah wrote on 11 Feb 2023 20:56:

My friend, you are a gibbor! I feel your pain, it's gotta be so hard, and you have the strength to keep going, and posting, you are an inspiration. May I suggest you reach out to one of the wonderful mentors here, it sounds to me like you could really benefit from having somebody hear you out. Keep posting my friend, we are brothers here, we care about you and we want to hear how you are doing

To be honest, I don't understand why posting and even fighting the fight is gevura. The truth is, I feel in so much pain over
what I've been doing, and I can't stand the pain. But coming here and seeing that so many people have gotten through this
by reaching out, posting, connecting with people about it, and making use of the various tools here, I feel that it's worth a try.
Please someone explain to me why they look at this as gevura. Maybe if I could have a healthy way of feeling good about it
it would be very helpful for me, but as is, I feel that I would be fooling myself to call it gevura

btw just an update, b'h still clean. I guess after all this posting if I have a fall then I'll have to post about it. Sounds very embaressing.
Should I not even be thinking about that? Lo yodeya
Anyway I've been much more aware of how I automatically start thinking sexually about every woman I come across. Hashem help me 
please! I want to be a baal t'shuva!

noticing that my thread is about sadness and my username is about simcha. i guess one is who i think i am, and
the other is who i want to be

simchastorah wrote on 12 Feb 2023 19:27:

Accountability is one of the most important tools for recovery. The Pasuk in Mishlei (18:1) says: "Le'taava yevakesh nifrad - Desire seeks isolation". Being isolated causes us to go after our Taavah - our lust. The addiction wants us to withdraw into ourselves and disconnect from life. A partner or community in this struggle can do wonders in helping us reconnect to the world around us and ultimately break free. Going into detail with someone else about what we've done, is also known to be one of the best ways to get out the shame, guilt and remorse, and move on.