Great post. Every aspect of media needs to be evaluated to determine what effect it is having. The subtle messages are everywhere if you don’t choose to block them.

Hey tzadik, reading your post has really made me emotional. I'm so sorry you are going through this struggle. Even though you say you feel gross, you are not, the fact that you are trying so hard to beat this taava is so big! I would love to connect with you and try and help simply with encouragement and kind words, sometimes the best thing is to have someone you can call who won't judge you and just talk through your feelings

Hi,
Thank you for the post! really emesdik. I think it would also be good to include in your post some of the reasons why you do want to listen to it as well. Like, "I find this interesting...." It is important to be real. My Rabbi once told me that the way that mussar works is...

You are in a lab. See how you react to situations and observe. It is important to tell yourself that you will take what you want but just go through the dialogue as to why you need/want it. 

Here is a classic dialog that I go through.
I know there is food in the fridge.... I want that food... ok so I will eat it, but why do I want that food? because I am hungry... but I just ate 30 mins ago... ok so am I hungry?... why do I want that food... am I resentful against someone... am I procrastinating something... I will eat the food, just let me figure out where this need is coming from. 

Your need to act out is coming from somewhere, and it sounds like you have addressed that you have the need but need to find out where it is coming from.
If you would like us know what else is happening in your life so you can safely address it.

In conclusion what helps me is:
To ask why I want something before taking it... and I will take it (If it is sexual content it is pretty easy to say "no" to once I am done the dialogue)
To understand if there are other factors affecting me like HALT (acronym) Resentment or fear and dealing with it appropriately.
To hand it over to Hashem (surrender because I am powerless over my drive) and pray for those who I want to look at or listen to. (most important)

Thank you for the thoughtful response. If you'd like you can see some explanation of what causes me to get caught up in these desires earlier in this thread. In short

- Confused desire for connection
- Desire to escape from painful emotions

Did you consider speaking to HHM or someone? 

​you are doing great! To not fall again is powerful.

keep getting better slowly. It gets easier.

simchastorah wrote on 10 Mar 2023 10:45:

Hey Simchastorah, 
your words of the yetzer on both ends are so real, and I have seen it very similar in my life. The fact that you are being thoughtful in each step and thinking it through instead of being quick with the y”h is very smart of you, especially to be brazen enough to put yourself out there to others and share your experience for your own betterment. Down the line you may see how gainful this small moment of writing on the forum has helped you and others in drastic ways. 

Thats my 2 cents, you giving your time speaking it out and understanding where the podcasts lies under, wiether you decide on one episode or even one day the entire podcast, it is truly a major step in your building yourself, And also I do appreciate you saying about how it would have an effect to ones spouse, through a sense of “our own personal gain” which leads to loneliness etc.. I am not married but it definitely helps me get my brain on the right path, as much as we hear it, but the experience and real
life person like you saying it over means so much more. 
Hatzlacha with all your endeavors!

simchastorah wrote on 10 Mar 2023 10:45:

Love this brutal honesty. I do this all the time. I blame it on everything besides the real reason. Great job cutting through the garbage. 

And about the podcast? Delete. Delete. Delete. You don't need it in your life.

i've been speaking with HHM shlita. he has been tremedously helpful

Grant400 wrote on 12 Mar 2023 03:09:

The power of drive you have- straight cut to the point is amazing, simchastorah and grant400. Grant400, I wish if you can see my yt forum, Someone posted to me about a mashal regarding a child still doing ovoydah zarah when everyone is there saying just stop- since they see it’s wrong for one to do 100% garunteed... I feel like this is a similar situation, not blaming ch”vs, just it sometimes goes with some steps and not as a one big leap, although logically it seems as though it’s best to stop fully. However is that conquering the long term breakage etc.. maybe with help and guidance when one is ready it may help.. 

Thanks for the kind words.

I mentioned the sefer cheshbon hanefesh ealier in this thread. In that sefer he compares self work to training an animal. When you come to train an animal (he says, i don't know, but it sure makes sense) you have to work within a certain gvul of what the animal is able to handle. If you go past that line, the animal is liable to rebel. So lets say doing 2 hours of training is perfect. The animal works up a sweat and starts building up positive habits. But if you go and push it for 5 more minutes, the animal may go berserk. And the next time you approach it, it'll run away from you, or attack you, or ignore you. And with those 5 minutes you destroyed all the good work of the first two hours.

I would love to be a malach right now. But my nefesh habahamis has other ideas of whats geshmak. Slowly I'd like to train my animal to behave better and better, and right now I'm giving it a nice helping of challenge to eat up. I need to make sure not to push it too hard, or my animal will rebel, and I'll have wasted effort that could have been very effective

simchastorah wrote on 12 Mar 2023 07:51:

Hatzlacha! Not that we are compared to behemos but nice mashal for the idea

The 'I' is not compared to an animal, but the physicality of man very much is. Nefesh habahamis

I'm having an urge right now. For everything, P, M, and fantasy. I called my GYE partner but he didn't pick up. So next best thing, I'll write out my internal experience to try and find clarity and hope and the 'seam' between myself and my desire. Then maybe I'll do one of the mindfullness meditations supplied by GYE may Hashem bless them.

Where is this coming from? Firstly I am a man, and this is part of the male condition. Sometimes we have desires for sex. Big deal. Secondly, I have seen tons of porn, spent tons of time fantasizing in my life, watched plenty of innappropriate movies, read plenty of innappropriate books. So there's all sorts of garbage swimming around inside me which sometimes comes to the surface. This makes sense.

But there's more. I'm feeling sad right now. Why am I feeling sad? Maybe because it's a little rainy. The rain puts everyone into their little box, separated by the walls of water, and this reminds me of the deep loneliness I felt as a child. So I ache inside, and something from deep within cries out for connection, to not be alone. And I think oh perfect! I know how I could not be alone! I could imagine that I'm with a beautiful woman who loves me and wants me!

Oy SimchasTorah. What a scam. I'm sorry buddy, but nebach you will only feel more alone afterwards. You will only feel more sad. I'm sorry you felt so lonely as a child. Hashem should help you to one day move past it, b'mhera. Unforunately fantasy land is not going to help you. I wish there were a solution as simple as that, but there isn't. So please don't hurt yourself with this tempting thing. I promise you it won't make things better. Hang in there and it will pass.

This thing inside you that tells you the solution is fantasy, that it would be so sweet, that it would make you such a prince, he's lying. 

I think there's maybe two parts to the inner 'belief' that fantasy will make me feel the connection I crave: 1 - the yetzer hara, who sits in a very deep throne, 2 - my poor inner gullible self, who remains convinced by the yetzer's deceipt, and has so much trouble learning the truth.

To the yetzer hara I say, you're a liar, you're a snake, and I don't have to listen to you. But to my inner self, who has for so long bought into the yetzer's deceptive advice I need kinder words.

SimchasTorah, I really wish you could have that thing that you want. Of course you want it my sweet friend, everyone wants connection. And its hard and scary for you to hear this, but the truth is you have connection. Gone are the days of trauma when you really were alone. That's over. Look around you. Look, your wife loves you. You have friends who love you. You love your kids and they love you too. You can come out from your dark hiding space into the light. You can spit out this poisonous pacifier. It's part of what's making it so hard for you to hear that real connection is possible. You don't need this thing anymore. You're not alone. Tell me the words of your sadness and I will comfort you.

B'h the urge passed, though I feel sleepy after peering into myself that way as I often do

Hi ST,
I am  amazed by the way you analyze yourself. I did and still do the same thing. 
I too have years of bad stuff in my head and I was sure it’ll always stay right in the front of my brain.
Furtunattly, I’ve learned thats not the case! If you stop long enough and keep fighting smartly like you are doing, by being open and honest with yourself, that this is just something that one part of us wants and yes it’ll feel good for the moment and yes it exhilarating But! It’s a billion percent NOT worth it! You need to be clear about that, then the more times you move on and ignore the temptation to fantasize, the less urges you will get and the less easily will the old stuff pop up, it’s like they get buried under piles of normal behavior and therefore are not in front of you all the time. 
Im on vacation in Miami Beach right now, more then enough opportunities to look and look and fantasize, first of all I didn’t take a hotel by the beach, I’m  out going to the beach, and after eating out yesterday or Harding, I told my wife we’re not doing that again today! I’m not interested in sitting and having ti avoid my eyes every second!
Be smart and avoid outside triggers and move in from inside triggers and you will win!