Having some crazy strong urges these days....
Probably to do with me feeling like a failure.. I'm not managing to get myself to Selichos (while my little boy g​ets up early and goes every single day... I'm so embarrassed of the people in my shul), I'm not davening any tefilos with a minyan (doing it at home fast, just to be יוצא)... feeling the pressure of Yomim Noraim... (I haaaate pressure!) not learning enough... feeling guilty... and there's also an extra trigger at home at the moment... bekitzer: 100 reasons to act out. But 1 million reasons not to.

Maybe it's time for another phone call to HHM...

In the meantime I bought myself something  in the grocery to sooth my need of some physical pleasure... but now I feel sick. Wish I could throw it all up. But I suppose its better than acting out which would undoubtedly result in depression and more falls etc.

What a life... just can't seem to get it right.

Yes, call HHM! I can still feel the warmth from that first call, and I'm sure you remember it too. He's here for the oilam when we're down, and there's nothing wrong with calling for a boost up. It's free refills!

(I almost finished writing this when I lost it, trying again)
I have also had a bad fall after really trying, in this and other areas. I can only suggest that maybe i didn't have strong enough foundations and walls then, and needed to fall to davka a really bad time to do so in order to have the push to rebuild better and set up better defenses.
As for your other feelings, they sound like they are coming from pain and guilt and maybe the taivah. All of it leads subconsciously to this almost selfdefensive lashing out. You know it's not you. even if you ant feel what you used to now, you know it was real, and that you was real. And we all can get it back.

Are you sure there isn't any rebbeim you can talk to? Could be they deal with these things all the time and its just behind closed doors.
If not, maybe can you find someone who you don't know or doesn't know you, maybe even someone not local?
If you don't know anyone, is there someone you can ask to recommend someone you can talk to, gloss over why you cant talk to rebbeim, say something vague, or you need different perspectives or it involves someone they would know or whatever.

Wish I could help you more...sorry

Anyway, you must be someone important for all this to be happening for you. And for being here.

Having some crazy strong urges these days....
Probably to do with me feeling like a failure.. I'm not managing to get myself to Selichos (while my little boy g​ets up early and goes every single day... I'm so embarrassed of the people in my shul), I'm not davening any tefilos with a minyan (doing it at home fast, just to be יוצא)... feeling the pressure of Yomim Noraim... (I haaaate pressure!) not learning enough... feeling guilty... and there's also an extra trigger at home at the moment... bekitzer: 100 reasons to act out. But 1 million reasons not to.

Maybe it's time for another phone call to HHM...

In the meantime I bought myself something  in the grocery to sooth my need of some physical pleasure... but now I feel sick. Wish I could throw it all up. But I suppose its better than acting out which would undoubtedly result in depression and more falls etc.

What a life... just can't seem to get it right.

Feeling drained.
Had very hectic 2 weeks with lots of hosting over Yom Tov.
Had my father hovering over me, pressurising me, checking where I'm holding in my learning whether I've done רוב of ש”ס yet etc etc. (Funny thing, he still reminds me of סוף זמן ק”ש whenever he's here... even though the whole year round I manage without him np...)
My Panassah is down the drain Atm. (This is probably the most depressing of all.)
I have ZERO cheshek to learn.
ZERO Cheshek to daven.
Dreading this coming winter.
Once again just simply fed up. Wish I could act out. To live like a goy.
2 days ago i saw a bunch of non jewish teenagers late at night having such fun. The girls looked stunning. I was so jealous. I never had that in my teenage years. Its a thrill which us frum yidden are deprived of. 
Wish I'd find out that my mother is really a non jew and I could run off and start a new happy normal simple life without any guilt and pressure.
But meanwhile my Yichus iis looking much too good from all sides...
I'm desperate to act out.
My wife has not been very sex orientated lately and I don't really wanna bother her, just want to sort myself out.
אוי לי מיצרי אוי לי מיוצרי.
Thanks for listening to my rant.

upanddown wrote on 30 Oct 2024 16:53:


Someone mentioned Rav Pincus earlier so I'll quote something else in response!

He was asked this very question. If you woke up tomorrow and found out you're a goy, what would you do?
He answered; I'll bring a Korbon on a Bama because only a yod is not allowed to buy a goy is! 
(It's only "slightly" different from what my answer was!!!!)

2 days ago i saw a bunch of non jewish teenagers late at night having such fun. The girls looked stunning. I was so jealous. I never had that in my teenage years. Its a thrill which us frum yidden are deprived of. 

Once again just simply fed up. Wish I could act out. To live like a goy.
2 days ago i saw a bunch of non jewish teenagers late at night having such fun. The girls looked stunning. I was so jealous. I never had that in my teenage years. Its a thrill which us frum yidden are deprived of. 
Wish I'd find out that my mother is really a non jew and I could run off and start a new happy normal simple life without any guilt and pressure.
But meanwhile my Yichus iis looking much too good from all sides...