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TOPIC: I'm Fed Up 6539 Views

Re: I'm Fed Up 16 Jan 2022 12:28 #375962

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Hi Up and Down. I just saw this thread for the first time. Incredible expression of pain, followed by enormous chizuk from so many guys here. what you wrote resonated with so many people here because your description of our feelings was so on target. Bh you got yourself back on track in a very healthy way and shared that for the chevra here to get inspired from. May Hashem give you continued hatzlacha helping yourself but also by helping others - it's the guys who got really broken who understand what the oilam here needs. Become a leader.
Feel free to contact me at michelgelner@gmail.com

My threads: Lessons Learned: guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/335248-Lessons-Learned

                    My Story and G-d Bless GYE: guardyoureyes.com/forum/17-Balei-Battims-Forum/303036-My-story-and-G-d-bless-GYE

Re: I'm Fed Up 16 Jan 2022 18:57 #375977

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Great thread.  So much chizuk here.  Thank you for sharing.  I have just started my journey after decades of giving in without much of a fight.  Threads like this are invaluable to me. 
vehkam7@gmail.com

guardyoureyes.com/forum/4-On-the-Way-to-90-Days/375452-Work-in-progress

The Battle of the Generation by Hillel S. has been a huge help for me.  Message me to find out how you can receive a free copy.



some of the experiences I write about may make it easier to identify me.  This is ok.  I trust that if anyone discovers my identity they will keep it to themselves.  If you do realize that you  know me, I am completely comfortable and welcome you acknowledging me and my struggle in person.

Re: I'm Fed Up 20 Jan 2022 19:10 #376248

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UpAndDown wrote on 16 Jan 2022 11:19:
Dear Firends,

Thanks to all of you for caring and writing back. I have been meaning to reply ages ago, but life was too busy..
Your posts gave me a lot of Chizuk and b"h I am in a better situation than a few months ago.

About my Emunah struggles - I just wanted to write something that helped me and might help someone else who is struggling with Emunah:

The Mishnah in Avos says (P' 4, M' 21):
הקנאה התאוה והכבוד מוציאין את האדם מן העולם
What "world" is the Mishnah referring to?
The Rambam explains:
כי באלה המדות או באחת מהן יפסיד אמונת התורה בהכרח
From the world of Emunah!

That means Emunah is a world. A place a person can be in. A place where the truth of the Torah is clear & real. But if he gives in to his desires then it will automatically take him out of that world. Desires will put a person in a place where he will not see Hashem and the truth of the Torah.

So it's the other way around:
שמירת המצוות isn't a result of Emunah (meaning: that if I believe in Hashem then I will keep the mitzvos), rather Emunah is a result of שמירת המצוות (first we must keep our קדושה and only then we will discover Hashem)!!

This helped me a lot and the more I stay clean the more I manage to connect to the Eibishter.

Looking forward to hearing from you.

UpAndDownh

I absolutely love this post. Fascinating Rambam. Thanks so much. And happy to hear that you feel in a better place! 

Re: I'm Fed Up 20 Jan 2022 21:02 #376256

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Reminds me of one of my favorite 12-step quotes:

"You can't think your way into living right, but you can live your way into thinking right".
!אנא עבדא דקודשא בריך הוא

וּבְיָדְךָ כֹּחַ וּגְבוּרָה וּבְיָדְךָ לְגַדֵּל וּלְחַזֵּק לַכֹּל


"If it would be so easy there wouldn't be a GYE, but if it would be impossible there also wouldn't be a GYE."
"Sometimes a hard decision leads to an easier outcome."
- General Grant


My story: guardyoureyes.com/forum/19-Introduce-Yourself/111583-hello-my-friends

Re: I'm Fed Up 21 Jan 2022 02:10 #376264

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That concept really resonates with me as well. When I am in a clean state then my emunah is a lot clearer but when I'm in a dirty place then I don't have a clear emunah.
The holy "Lechvitcher" writes that a yid's emunah is always present and strong even when he doesn't feel it and when a person doesn't feel it it's because there are blankets that are covering it. Meaning the emunah didn't go away but rather it's still there but the person can't feel it.
The "Kobrineh" writes that just as a person has to believe in hashem so to he has to believe that he really has emunah even when he doesnt feel it. Because a yid's emunah is from his neshamah so automatically his essence believes in Hashem.
"Success consists of going from failure to failure without a loss of enthusiasm"
- Sir Winston Churchill

Re: I'm Fed Up 21 Jan 2022 10:43 #376277

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Lost In Search wrote on 21 Jan 2022 02:10:
That concept really resonates with me as well. When I am in a clean state then my emunah is a lot clearer but when I'm in a dirty place then I don't have a clear emunah.
The holy "Lechvitcher" writes that a yid's emunah is always present and strong even when he doesn't feel it and when a person doesn't feel it it's because there are blankets that are covering it. Meaning the emunah didn't go away but rather it's still there but the person can't feel it.
The "Kobrineh" writes that just as a person has to believe in hashem so to he has to believe that he really has emunah even when he doesnt feel it. Because a yid's emunah is from his neshamah so automatically his essence believes in Hashem.

Hi, sorry but I haven't heard of them. Are they real or GYE people?

The two opinions sound to me like self justification. "It can't possibly be me doing anything wrong because I believe in Hashem so I'll blame an outside source." Usually, it's the goyim that get the blame or some other easy to blame group. personally, i try to take responsibility for my actions and even my thoughts. if i am struggling with belief, it's because I have real and genuine questions that are bothering me. Sometimes, when I'm tired, they bother me more. But that's still me and whether I can be bothered dealing with it there and then. But to hide behind "blankets," seems to me to be a blanket statement.  
I came.
I saw
I conquered.
I failed. 
Too much I. 

Re: I'm Fed Up 22 Jan 2022 14:57 #376306

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bego wrote on 21 Jan 2022 10:43:

Lost In Search wrote on 21 Jan 2022 02:10:
That concept really resonates with me as well. When I am in a clean state then my emunah is a lot clearer but when I'm in a dirty place then I don't have a clear emunah.
The holy "Lechvitcher" writes that a yid's emunah is always present and strong even when he doesn't feel it and when a person doesn't feel it it's because there are blankets that are covering it. Meaning the emunah didn't go away but rather it's still there but the person can't feel it.
The "Kobrineh" writes that just as a person has to believe in hashem so to he has to believe that he really has emunah even when he doesnt feel it. Because a yid's emunah is from his neshamah so automatically his essence believes in Hashem.

Hi, sorry but I haven't heard of them. Are they real or GYE people?

The two opinions sound to me like self justification. "It can't possibly be me doing anything wrong because I believe in Hashem so I'll blame an outside source." Usually, it's the goyim that get the blame or some other easy to blame group. personally, i try to take responsibility for my actions and even my thoughts. if i am struggling with belief, it's because I have real and genuine questions that are bothering me. Sometimes, when I'm tired, they bother me more. But that's still me and whether I can be bothered dealing with it there and then. But to hide behind "blankets," seems to me to be a blanket statement.  

Yup they are real people. They are the founders of the Slonim chasidus. The Previous Slonimer rebbe the Nesivas sholom always brings them down in his sefer.
They write that if someone doesnt feel emunah it doesnt mean he doesnt have enunah because a yid is a chel elokai mimal and the source of a persons emunah comes from his neshama so its not possible that he doesn't believe if has a neshama. But rather he( meaning the physical body that he is living in)is detached and so the physical body can't feel the emunah. And thats the work in life to connect the physical body to our neshama and to keep the neshoma clean so like this you will autimatically feel emunah.
This is not "self justification" because it's our job and up to us to get rid of the dirt that's covering our emunah but it does make a yid feel better to know that deep down he has emunah no matter what.
"Success consists of going from failure to failure without a loss of enthusiasm"
- Sir Winston Churchill

Re: I'm Fed Up 23 Jan 2022 00:55 #376322

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450 days straight 
Wow
I celebrate when I do a week clean
450 I don't even fathom yet
You are incredible 
And maybe that's why you have such big nisyonos

maybe try reading easy peasy method
Easypeasymethod.org
RIDE THE WAVES.
Keep Fighting because thats why you're alive! 
Never ever give up no matter how many times you fall.
If you are about to fall call someone for chizuk.
DON'T FALL,CALL.

Check out easypeasymethod.org

My thread
https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/4-On-the-Way-to-90-Days/375231-looking-for-chizuk

Re: I'm Fed Up 25 Jan 2022 18:31 #376463

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And there we go again...

I fell!  (hz"l)

I am sick of life... I am so frustrated

במסתרים תבכה נפשי

I wish it was מותר and I would have a happy life... I am once again utterly fed up. How long can one fight a war? Everyone needs a break sometimes so why can't I act out here and there?
My favourite resources:
1. "זאת בריתי". hebrewbooks.org/56572 (PM me for a sharper version)
2. "שערי גדולה". hebrewbooks.org/48344
3.  guardyoureyes.com/ebooks/item/the-battle-of-the-generation

My journey: Emunah struggles, Celebrating a fall, I'm fed up(main thread), I'm drowning, Tips for Shmiras Einayim.

Re: I'm Fed Up 25 Jan 2022 18:42 #376466

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UpAndDown wrote on 25 Jan 2022 18:31:
And there we go again...

I fell!  (hz"l)

I am sick of life... I am so frustrated

במסתרים תבכה נפשי

I wish it was מותר and I would have a happy life... I am once again utterly fed up. How long can one fight a war? Everyone needs a break sometimes so why can't I act out here and there?

Life does not stop after a fall.
We must realize that we haven’t lost anything that we gained until now. We simply have to get up and continue from where we left off. The Steipler once told someone who complained to him about how difficult this struggle was, that the times we fail are erasable, but every time we pass a test is a Kinyan that's ours to keep forever. Even if we are successfully misgaber (overcome) only once in a while at first, this initial hisgabrus will ultimately lead us to break free completely.

Acting out will not make you happy even if it's 100% מותר ..

If lust offered real happiness, would Hashem ask of His children to give up something really wonderful and precious?

But it’s not that the Satan offers us something good and Hashem just offers us something better. The Satan was simply given the power to fool us. He is just a master illusionist and offers us fantasy. But as soon as we try to grab it, it turns into smoke!

So all Hashem wants from us is to differentiate between fake and real.
"If I am not for myself, who will be for me? But if I am only for myself, who am I? If not now, when?"
feel free to reach out @  ahavayirah@gmail.com

Re: I'm Fed Up 25 Jan 2022 19:12 #376469

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Thanks DavidT.
It might not make us so happy but it definitely makes us feel better. It releases all the tention. It's a distraction from all the problems in life etc.
Sorry for being so outspoken but I really wish it was allowed...
It's definitely a גזירה שאין רוב ציבור יכולין לעמוד בה. It's just so unfair to put us through such a struggle. Fighting a war day and night and then eventually falling and I just find myself feeling guilty my entire life! Life is so depressing. 
I would have been a happy man now if it was not אסור. I wonder if anyone feels the same way.
My favourite resources:
1. "זאת בריתי". hebrewbooks.org/56572 (PM me for a sharper version)
2. "שערי גדולה". hebrewbooks.org/48344
3.  guardyoureyes.com/ebooks/item/the-battle-of-the-generation

My journey: Emunah struggles, Celebrating a fall, I'm fed up(main thread), I'm drowning, Tips for Shmiras Einayim.
Last Edit: 25 Jan 2022 19:18 by upanddown.

Re: I'm Fed Up 25 Jan 2022 20:20 #376470

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UpAndDown wrote on 25 Jan 2022 18:31:
And there we go again...

I fell!  (hz"l)

I am sick of life... I am so frustrated

במסתרים תבכה נפשי

I wish it was מותר and I would have a happy life... I am once again utterly fed up. How long can one fight a war? Everyone needs a break sometimes so why can't I act out here and there?

some of you may not believe me, but it has little interest to me if "it" is muttar or assur, and i have mentioned that in the past (please see the post in the "values" thread where a different program of ff2L was introduced); productivity of life is what concerns me, so even if it was muttar, it would still control my life, and that is not what i want.
i'm all about that (substantial) bass, no trouble ....

if you're looking for trouble, you can email me @trouble69gye@outlook.com

Re: I'm Fed Up 25 Jan 2022 20:28 #376472

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When I'm filled with the taivah, I totally agree with this sentiment. It's tooo hard, too good, too unending.

When I'm far away, not a bit. The struggle has faded to the background, almost gone, it's repulsive and impossible that I could ever want it. The all pervasive satisfaction I feel is so much better than the localized thrill of the moment.

And when I've given? There was a time I would almost make it like permissible to me. Was in it for a while. It lures you in the first bit, but then it doesn't anymore. doesnt work, fulfill or satisfy, need more, look for more and worse, like trying to scratch an itch on a phantom limb. Thats how these needs all work.

Able to look more objectively right now, I dont think we would be happy if we could do it. by nature it's fantasy, unreachable and unkeepable. And not something you can look back on with a happy content smile and the end of the day.

Anyway, its not forever. Thats how i keep going when its tough. this is the temporary part. the quick part

Re: I'm Fed Up 25 Jan 2022 20:59 #376474

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Trouble wrote on 25 Jan 2022 20:20:
some of you may not believe me, but it has little interest to me if "it" is muttar or assur, and i have mentioned that in the past (please see the post in the "values" thread where a different program of ff2L was introduced); productivity of life is what concerns me, so even if it was muttar, it would still control my life, and that is not what i want.

Thank you Trouble.

That's a very very true point! 

As long as one is in the hands of this תאוה one is less productive, less focused and less giving... regardless to מותר or אסור.

Thanks for that!
My favourite resources:
1. "זאת בריתי". hebrewbooks.org/56572 (PM me for a sharper version)
2. "שערי גדולה". hebrewbooks.org/48344
3.  guardyoureyes.com/ebooks/item/the-battle-of-the-generation

My journey: Emunah struggles, Celebrating a fall, I'm fed up(main thread), I'm drowning, Tips for Shmiras Einayim.
Last Edit: 25 Jan 2022 21:00 by upanddown.

Re: I'm Fed Up 25 Jan 2022 21:09 #376475

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UpAndDown wrote on 25 Jan 2022 19:12:
Thanks DavidT.
It might not make us so happy but it definitely makes us feel better. It releases all the tention. It's a distraction from all the problems in life etc.
Sorry for being so outspoken but I really wish it was allowed...
It's definitely a גזירה שאין רוב ציבור יכולין לעמוד בה. It's just so unfair to put us through such a struggle. Fighting a war day and night and then eventually falling and I just find myself feeling guilty my entire life! Life is so depressing. 
I would have been a happy man now if it was not אסור. I wonder if anyone feels the same way.

this is an age old cry...

בהעלותך י"א

 וישמע משה את העם בוכה למשפחותיו
ופרש"י שבכו על עסקי עריות הנאסרות להם.

משנה תורה לרמב"ם
הלכות איסורי ביאה פרק כב  
יז  [יח] אין לך דבר בכל התורה כולה שהוא קשה לרוב העם, אלא לפרוש מן העריות והביאות האסורות:  אמרו חכמים, בשעה שנצטוו ישראל על העריות, בכו וקיבלו מצוה זו בתרעומת ובבכייה--שנאמר "בוכה למשפחותיו" (במדבר יא,י), על עסקי משפחות.  [יט] ואמרו חכמים, גזל ועריות, נפשו של אדם מתאווה להן ומחמדתן.  ואין אתה מוצא קהל בכל זמן וזמן, שאין בהן פרוצין בעריות ובביאות אסורות.  ואמרו חכמים, רוב בגזל, ומיעוט בעריות; והכול באבק לשון הרע.

יח  [כ] לפיכך ראוי לו לאדם לכוף יצרו בדבר זה, ולהרגיל עצמו בקדושה יתרה ובמחשבה טהורה ובדעת נכונה כדי להינצל מהן; וייזהר מן הייחוד, שהוא הגורם הגדול.  גדולי החכמים היו אומרים לתלמידיהם, היזהרו בי מפני בתי, היזהרו בי מפני כלתי--כדי ללמד לתלמידים שלא יתביישו מדבר זה, ויתרחקו מן הייחוד.
"If I am not for myself, who will be for me? But if I am only for myself, who am I? If not now, when?"
feel free to reach out @  ahavayirah@gmail.com
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