“This has nothing to do with Judaism. Just life in general”. 

Correct 

Take it 1 step further ;-)
This has nothing to do with Kollel. Just life in general 

odyossefchai wrote on 31 Oct 2024 15:59:

I'm not bothered by what people will think. And I can get over the fact that my parents will be upset with me.
My problem is my own feeling. I, for myself will forever feel a failure, a looser. And that's because of "the system". 

If your 3rd grade Rebbi (and upward) has repeatedly emphasised "each one of you has the potential of becoming a Gadol Hador" -
If your Maggid Shiur is constantly talking about the importance of living of Torah-only life -
If your Mashgiach is putting down anything that's materialistic -
If your father's voice is on repeat in your brain (while you're bathing the kids) telling you "don't forget the עיקר! Learning Gemara בעיון!" -
If all of your friends and acquaintances are getting "shteles" (positions) in Yeshivos and Mesivtos just because their beard is longer and more grisely than yours (they'll make a much better impression on the talmidim...) or because they know how to kvetch better -
If the entire system is setup in way to support the torah-only lifestyle, that the woman are expected to be super-woman, and if you're home for bed time then something must be seriously wrong at home (maybe postpartum?) -
then what feeling will you have if you choose to go to work??? A looser!! 

משא”כ if I were bought up to be an ehrliche Yid, encouraged to study something after a few solid years in Yeshiva in order to make an honest living, to try make לימוד התורה the Ikar and מלאכתך ארעי. I would have become a searching, striving Yid. Thrilled to discover all the goodness and אמת that the תורה-life provides. And sinned alot less.

But at the end of the day, you're 100% right. I've got to do what's right for me and get over the rest, however difficult it is. 

Rav Lopiansky also recently published a Sefer titles Ben Torah path of Aliya. It may be helpful. Perhaps even contact the author

odyossefchai wrote on 31 Oct 2024 15:59:

Oh and regarding the fantasies...
I'm not a beginner in regards to working on my Kedusha. I'm in the middle of a very long streak and it's not my first time. I've worked very hard on my Shmiras Einayim and not looked at such things for a while now.
So why did I fail when I walked past these teenagers? Because I was upset about my situation and not enjoying my Yiddishkeit. Which brings us back to the other topic...

upanddown wrote on 31 Oct 2024 20:00:

you can be, do, all the above, even when you go to work!

now, its aint gonna help you blaming your horny issues on the "system", nor will a night out wit the sexy girls help it,

what will help you is to, GO GET A DAMN JOB!  and guess what, im joining you!

הבטלה מביא לידי שעגיון ולידי זמה

you feel like a failure now too, so you dont have much to loose.

you also should trust your feelings, and if you think work will resolve some brutal issues go for it. 

A MAN NEEDS A JOB AND A WOMEN NEEDS A HUSBAND

see you @ the job
cande'

for me personally, trouble starts when im bored or feel like im not conquering or accomplishing being constructive the way i should be, when i good on this all my issues float away, life is sweet sexy and blissful

Dear brother up and down, I am sorry but I can't disagree with you more.  Have you been brought up without the system you would have been more of a ehrlicha yid? 
Highly doubt that.

Let's just face it for once there is nothing exciting about yiddishkeit nowadays The glue that is supposed to make us stick to yiddishkeit almost doesn't exist anymore,
We're locked up in the cage called yiddishkeit, no eating whatever we want, no using everyday as we please, no s..., we're forced to daven, learn, tie our shoes with laws etc.

Had we been brought up without the system, we probably would've dropped out of yiddishkeit all together at 5yrs, the other world is just so much more exciting and fun with no restrictions.

But because of the system {yes a corrupted system, but at least to some extent served it's purpose} you now have the one and only glue to yiddishkeit which is SPIRITUALLITY, it can be in every word you're write, it's there in your pain, if not for your spirituality you wouldn't have been in pain.

But the catch is that your not interpreting your pain the right way, you think your pain is the system but really it's the chashuva spiritual yungerman who's craving to be better and get closer to hashem, so you think that if you would've been brought up a different way you would've been more ehrlich.

All you gotta do is find the good in you, bring your spirituality out to the forefront of your life and live the life you know is best for you, YES CUT THE SYSTEM OUT, ignore everyone and be HAPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPY with yourself.

Sorry for being so blunt, my heart is just bleeding for you I don't feel your pain, I HAVE YOUR PAIN 

With love rebakiva, crying and praying for you 

cande wrote on 31 Oct 2024 20:34:

How can you go against our leaders?? A woman needs a job, not a man! From 7am until 5pm as a HI-Tech professional (+ an hour travel each way), because the husband brings in a meagre 1000 shekel a month from kollel! That's the nowadays norm, at least for all of the Bnei Torah families in EY and for many other frum places around the world. And yes, a woman needs a husband to do the cooking and washing etc, correct.

Anyway, looking forward to seeing you at the job!

upanddown I'm in a very similar situation where I'm feeling lots of resentment towards the system and thinkin life would be better as a Goy. I've been struggling with M since my Bar Mitzvah and is still ongoing - almost 20 years later. At some point in my 20s I was officially atheist and was mechalel shabbos and more... In the same time I was financially broke and my marriage was nearly ending. I started seeing a therapist and slowly I began to know myself and identify behaviors patterns. I also went on a medication roller-coaster that eventually helped me gain enough stability so things didn't get worse. Eventually I discovered some Rebbe/Mashpia that I was drawn to and that's when things really started moving in my life for the better. Fast forward, I came a very long way and my Yiddishkeit became so much stronger and more meaningful. For the first time I was able to feel connected to a davening. All of a sudden I realized that I was no longer involved in shmoots- without even making any Kaboles- it just ceased on its own. Eventually I felt so good and confident of my new reality and could no longer imagine living in such darkness, until this week. This week I reached a low I haven't been to for probably 3 years. I don't have access to porn but for some reason I do have access to masturbation ; )... Anyways, in this low I'm all-of-a-sudden, back as an atheist, questioning everything and hoping to be a Goy. Go figure... What is different now is that I have already tasted success. 
So dear brother, I plead to you, DO NOT GIVE UP!!! We're going to win this together! Winning I mean, we're going to find JOY in our religious lives, not just surviving the devil!

upanddown wrote on 31 Oct 2024 20:00:

Yaakov Solomon says, I was an FFB my whole life. Then I met Reb Noach Weinberg at 40 and then I became a BT. 

As I said above, your life is ONLY your responsibility. No mashgiach, no Rav, no Rebbe, no magic shiur, however grizzly their beard is. 

I'm not telling you to leave Kollel or klei kodesh and go to work. Maybe full time learning is your tafkid. I wouldn't know. I'm no Navi. 
But for sure, your job is to figure out YOUR job. Not anyone else's. 

When you go home at night, your Rebbe isn't there, nor your mom, dad, mashgiach or anyone else. It's only you. 
You gotta figure out what works for you. 
Blaming 'the system' takes away from your responsibilities to yourself. 

All of us here probably have complaints against the system! 
My 1st grade Rebbe didn't allow me to go to the bathroom, and then complained to me why I wet my pants. 
I can spend hours talking about how my 2nd grade Rebbe made the class sing a chant against me for a whole year simply for the crime of leaving my coat outside after recess. 
I still shudder at the thought of my chosson classes. What a crock of @#$&. Set me up for disaster. 

People complain about the shidduch system, the seminary system and every other system out there. 
Maybe the complaints are legit. Maybe not. 

But your life is your life. 
Your tombstone is yours only. 
They don't bury you with anyone else. Just you. 

Judging your life based on comparisons to other people sounds like a recipe for disaster. It's almost as good of an idea as Benny's second (and third or fourth) wife. (Sorry Benny)
My dad is a rabbi. With a beard. Good for him. I love him. I'll never be him. 
I'm not like him in any way. 

Seriously bro. 
You can't live your life because of someone else's false expectations of your responsibilities. 

You're a good man going through a low period in your life. 

You gotta reach out to other people here and get some warmth and love from them. 
If you don't .... well let's not go there. 

With lots of love, (100% NOT Harav) Yossef

upanddown wrote on 31 Oct 2024 21:11:

i know so many people the kicked the bucket, and there issues were solved, they learn more and better, they pray, there happy, there good husbands, and not jerks anymore.

you dont have EMMUNA issues nor PORN issues,

you have YOU issues, you need to be yourself, and do whats best for your avodas hashem,

and stop masquerading around, cause thats when all hells breaks loose,

and we start thinkin' that the real life is being a horny sexy teen playing around with some stupid looser girls.......... as if!

you will know shas be a posek and work too, no big deal

no more livin' holloween all year,
cande'

cande wrote on 31 Oct 2024 21:33:

And then end up in prison, or for best case scenario please read the "learn from others mistakes" thread.

OK guys.
It's time to wrap it up before Trump takes office.
Firstly I'd like to thank each and every one of you for your time & care. For the great posts, thank-you's and for the many private messages...
I have no words! You're just all so amazing and I'm lucky to be part of this special GYE-chaburah!
It's only in your Zechus that I'm still clean and בס”ד counting my day 174!
It was sooo good to vent out a little. And I'm planning on doing some more over the phone to HHM and some others who have offered their services.

I have not come to a conclusive decision yet as to what changes I'll be making in my life, but I'm feeling understood and validated and אי”ה it'll all be OK. P&M is definitely not the solution. 

That's it for now until my next "mid life crisis".

בהערכה ובהערצה,
UpAndDown

rebakiva wrote on 31 Oct 2024 21:42:

Can you share the link please?

odyossefchai wrote on 31 Oct 2024 23:49:

I think he's referring to this.
Hatzlacha. 

stop! wait!
were not wrapin' anything up, until YOU put a end to this crap!
enough is enough! how many years can you drag yourself around.