Hi Guys,
I'm still clean, BH.
I just got back to my apartment from my parents' house, and the first couple of nights back were difficult. I just "had to know" what new content was available since I last fell. And there was a file I had partially listened to before my current streak, and I just "had to know" how it ended. This desire to "know" didn't bother me when I was in a house full of people but they are returning now that I am alone. But I haven't even peeked.
I've also been thinking about some life goals that I've been putting off. I've been doing some calculations and I think they may be achievable with enough careful planning, so that's something to keep me going.

I think I spend to much time on the internet for kosher stuff. I especially like podcasts and blogs about politics and philosophy that have an argumentative tone. I think that some of this is valuable, some of it is even about Torah, but I'll start reading or listening and just keep going. I can't keep control of how much time I'm spending. This can even take time away from my work, such as today. Sometimes I'll find a blog I like and I feel like I have to read every post. It's almost like I'll miss some key insight to life in the one post I didn't read. I think this is a substitute for good lively discussion in real life, especially now that I'm home alone most of the time.
Today I'm not feeling good. I don't get enough done each day, I waste my time whether I watch porn or not. I'm not feeling especial tempted to fall tonight I just don't feel like I'm doing much worthwhile and I don't have much social connection.

Anyway you can meet up with friends or make phone calls when your down?

It must feel terrible to be alone for so much time.
It seems like you gotta get out if the house for a breather.

Keep it up!

Yesterday I noticed another reason behind an urge. I'd had a little frustration at work, my project not going forward so much, and after work I spent too much time on podcasts. Even though I did some exercise I felt like I hadn't really done much that day. Now, watching porn would just mean wasting more time on the internet. But it would give me a feeling of "getting something done." This feeling even lasts afterward when I start feeling bad. Porn and masturbation are an activity with a beginning, middle and end. And they activate similar mental and hormonal pathways as conceiving children, one of the greatest things a person can do. Even though I know it's fake, there's still a sense of conclusive accomplishment. In real life it's hard to tell if all your efforts are getting anywhere, but with masturbation there's a clear release with not much effort.

I had a slightly rough Motzei Shabbat last night. I know that's hard for many of you. I spent too much time reading blogs and listening to a podcast. I was momentarily tempted to watch some videos that are not quite tzniut (not porn either) but I didn't, so that was good! I had a good morning today, because I got more errands done than usual. I also found more pleasure in accomplishing ordinary tasks, and I didn't use a podcast to drown them out. Usually things like cooking or doing dishes get on my nerves and I listen to something or other to distract myself. But today I was attentive and grateful to complete these things. Baruch HaShem!

Sounds like your progressing!
Congratulations on almost 30 days!

Rosh Hodesh Tov!

Made it to thirty days. The urges are not too bad so far, just occasional waves of lust. In some ways I'm struggling more with kosher stuff on the internet. The content is fine but the way I'm using it is a problem because it takes time away from other things. Also I get too involved in what some stranger on the internet is saying. I imagine having an argument with a podcaster or blogger, and I feel a desire for his approval. Why should I look up to someone I don't know on the internet? Plus it takes me away from reality and as I've said before it's a substitute for real argument. Does anyone who struggles with this have advice to reduce time wasting?

I'm thinking of trying the daily psalms for the next month. Does anyone else here do that? Any tips for a more meaningful reading? I've already found with psalms I don't really "get it" unless I have enough time set aside. If I don't plan it out I will start to rush.

Mazel tov on 30. Keep it up tzaddik. You are training yourself that you simply do not need this stuff.

On Shabbat afternoon, I had a different kind of urge. Instead of, "I want to act out now," I thought, "I want porn and masturbation back in my life." This poses less immediate danger, but in the long term it could be even more harmful.

I've also noticed an increased sensitivity to life in general. This is quite rewarding, but it includes an increased erotic sensitivity which can tempt me to return to masturbation. Avoiding triggers and, when I do feel desire, noticing and letting it pass, seem like a better approach than trying to get rid of desire entirely.

When I think I want masturbation back in my life, I am imagining masturbation in a resensitized state that comes from abstaining. If I were to give in and start masturbating, I would soon become desensitized again, and the pleasure I crave would disappear. So even from a selfish, hedonistic perspective, returning to masturbation would be misguided.

I haven't been doing so well today and yesterday. Yesterday I was getting a bit stuck at work and today I had trouble waking up and I missed shacharit. Plus I'm falling behind on the daily Psalms already. Then I spent way too much time on YouTube today. I don't know what happened, on Monday I woke up early and felt energetic all day, plus I had a Zoom call with a good friend and we talked about increasing my observance level and some other life projects. After this call I felt very positive. Then yesterday and today I have hardly any energy and my focus is terrible. BH I didn't act out but some of the YouTube videos were not 100% tzniut. I'm not sure where to go from here or how to restore my clarity. I haven't been exercising as much this week, maybe that's part of it.

fr33et wrote on 21 Jan 2021 03:20:

Welcome to the roller coaster of life. Our moods fluctuate and that is normal. Regarding youtube, do yourself a favor and stay away. It has buried many fine fellows.

Dear Friend (I cannot pronounce your name : )

Your honesty and self awareness are incredible. Please focus on those traits rather than on your struggles - and BEZH you will be well on your way towards levels that you cannot even imagine.

​I did not "turn the corner" until HHM convinced me to look at my strengths.

Stay strong, holy brother

IMG

Thanks for the support. I had a much better day today. I got up in time to daven and I made some progress at work. I find that engaging my senses in a holy way, such as tefillin, tzitzit, and davening, creates a sense of physical connection that makes me feel less lonely and decreases my desire to act out. I'm not sure if this is the right kavanah since I'm deriving a personal benefit from mitzvot, but it is very helpful for me at this stage.

Good news: I haven't had much in the way of urges recently, so in that sense things are going smoothly.

Bad news: I didn't do any work today, I've been sitting and thinking and reading dumb things. Nothing seems worth doing today. I read Psalm 137 and it really got to me. I feel very isolated. I don't want to talk to other people because I'm afraid they don't understand what's important and will misguide me. Of course I don't understand anything either.

I've been feeling better now, also starting to play some guitar again. I'm still having a hard time getting up for shacharit and staying focused at work. I think my problem is broader than porn and applies to generally putting too much time and attention into the internet instead of real life. There is so much variety on the internet. I find so many interesting things of all kinds, whether its politics or philosophy or internet "window shopping." I try to cram lots of info into my head. In real life the "information flow" is a lot slower. The dishes are the same every time I do them. And shacharit is mostly the same every day. And learning one song on guitar is slower than reading or hearing thousands of words. The experience at work is similar. When I do the work and observance that I'm supposed to do I feel like I'm not getting enough done compared to the content I could consume on the internet. But of course, that's consuming instead of doing.

My goal on one hand is to create a plan that will allow for limited time on the internet for truly beneficial things without spiraling out of control. On the other hand I want to increase my involvement in everyday tasks and carry them out with attention and without hesitation.