Hello everyone, I've been gone too long but I'm back trying again to break free.

I've been struggling with motivation and ambivalence. I made list of the reasons not to act out, but it doesn't seem to be enough. When I made the list, it's the part of me that wants to break free speaking. I wrote down pros and cons, but I knew that the reason I wrote them down was to convince myself to stop. So the part of me that wants to keep watching p... doesn't believe it. That part of me says, "You just made that list with an agenda, it's not an honest list of pros and cons, it's just a trick to make the cons side win. I don't believe it!" I don't understand how to get that part of me on board. If I internally yell at him and attack him, he just fights back harder. But I don't know what else to do. My behavior is unacceptable, so how can I accept the part of me that wants to do it? But if I refuse to accept him, he just fights back harder.

I hope this makes some sense and it doesn't sound too crazy.

Did you include reasons like it's delicious and amazing to act out in the pro list? You should! Make it an honest list that includes both parts of you, including the side that wants to act out. Now make a decision. The whole point of the list is to find out and clarify which way you will honestly be happier. Not to fool yourself by making a long list of reasons why hashem doesn't want you to do it.

Sooo? Buddy, how we doin?
Come back! We need you!

Bad news/good news. The bad news is I've been acting out a lot since posting this, more than I used to before I was on GYE, including yesterday and the day before. The good news is I had a clean week until Monday. More good news: after work today I did some exercise and took a cold shower this evening. Before I get in a cold shower, I'm so sure it will be painful, but then it turns out to be invigorating almost every time. A hot shower is just numbing. Perhaps facing reality without acting out is similar. It seems so big and complicated and out of control, but maybe the anticipation is worse than the moment of facing it.

Interesting point.
Amazing good news! 

And regarding the “acting out,” what are we talkin? P? M? Other things?
And what is your situation? Do u have filters?

Are you married? Single?
Perhaps if you tell us about urself and the nature of your struggle we can grow together

Acting out is P and M in my case. Usually not a video, just audio or still pictures. Not to imply that that makes it better! But sometimes I tell myself it's not as bad as an excuse. I am single and living alone. I think that makes it hard. Especially with COVID I am not going out much so it's easier to get lonely and demoralized. I was not brought up observant, and now I'm working on that but I'm not prefect in other areas of Halakha either. Here I want to focus on avoiding P and M though, since it's easier to take on one challenge at a time! I don't have filters. I've tried them but I usually work around it when I get my mind set on it. Also I worry that if someone sees I have a filter, then they'll guess about my problem.

As for my pros and cons list, here are some reasons I thought of why I act out. One is that I worry that if I stop I will be a stick in the mud, boring, goody-two-shoes type who never has any fun. This is silly because it has to do with how others see me, and P and M are a secret I would not want to tell anyone! But somehow it also seems like if I stop I'm missing some sort of "edge" and I'd be less interesting.

Another reason is my fears about getting married. First of all, I have a timid personality, especially around attractive women. I think most women want a confident man, and I have a hard time expressing myself confidently. So I'm afraid I won't be able to find a wife. Plus, even if I do there are so many things that could go wrong! I wonder if it's worth the risk. All of this means I worry I'll never get married, which makes it harder to resist acting out now. "If I'll never have the real deal, I might as well pretend."

I wonder if finding ways to express myself and be more socially confident could help with both of these problems. First it would give me a more distinct and interesting personality, and then it could help me have more success (or at least more hope) when it comes to women.

One other concern: I've heard of some men who go a very long time without M, but when they get married they find that they've "turned off" that part of themselves and they have trouble functioning properly. I don't want to suppress my sexual aspect to the point of causing problems if I do get married and try to start a family.

I think that becoming better at avoiding temptation actually boosts self confidence. This may not help everyone but for those of us who felt hopeless after trying to stop for years, this is one way to get a boost of confidence.
I don't know you well, but for many of us, if you believe in yourself enough, you can become more confident around others as well.

As for 'pretending' so as not to risk losing out on this function of the body, why do you want to stop masturbation? What were the original reasons why you joined this site? Or, what are the pros on the list you made? And are you also putting that as a con to stopping with porn?

Hatzlocho

Hi Fr33et,
Thank you for updating and sharing more details about why you want to stop.

It seems like you have the motivation to really work on yourself. Some of your reasons are the same as mine.

I can't say it's impossible to break free from an unfiltered device, however it is extremely difficult.

Now I'm holding 26 days, there were many times I would've been toast if not for a filter.
If you are serious i would highly recommend you to get a good filter.

(I too had filters or accountability apps but they are so easy to bypass)
Now I'm useing netspark filter...so far so good.

In regards to your worry about people noticing you have a filter:
1- many people have filters on their phones besides for jews, for many different reasons.
2: who cares what other people think about you having a filter. So they will think what they think.

(I'm a very self conscious person, so I understand where you are coming from but you have to weigh the gain vs the loss)

It seems you just don't want to eccept the limitations of a filter. (Lmk if Im correct)
Yes it's a a sacrifice but we want to be clean...so let's make sure we are ready for the inevitable that may arise.

Hey I'm just writing what I think can be helpful.
It's in your hands...it's up to you to make the best decisions to win this battle

Sounds like you need a good friend to speak this all over with....

In regard to your fear - Refraining from masturbating has never ruined anyone's married sex life. If anything, the opposite is true.

In regards to filters, one has to make a decision similar to the one made 100 years ago with shmiras Shabbos. That generation had a choice: Shabbos and severe financial difficulty - like no food!, or parnassa but no Shabbos. With the eyeglass of history, we see the outcome of their decisions.... Hashem is not giving us such a demand. He is asking us for inconvenience. Don't have every site available at the moment. You are tech savvy and enjoy breaking filters? Get a whitelist or do not have Internet at all if you do not actually need it.  At least speak it over with the chaverim you make here.

Hey there!

Without proper motivation there isn't any way that I know of to help a person stop. It's just too much. So here's what I propose. Let's not discuss stopping for a week. (Although definitely if you can). Just commit to come onto GYE every day for a sizable amount of time. Spend time browsing the forum, asking questions and sharing. Just your feelings, or something that resonated or you disagree with. Just have conversations. Use these few days just to educate yourself a little bit more about how you want your life to look, and how indulging disrupts that, by reading others experiences.

In a week we can revisit discussions regarding motivation.

Let me know what you think.

                                   Grant

Perhaps it is foolish optimism, but this morning I feel ready to stop for this week at least. That said, I think you have a good idea, Grant. I am not ready to make a decision about filters (I did put some mild ones on my phone, we'll see if that helps), or even to make a final decision about stopping, if I'm honest.

I think it will be quite enlightening to have more discussions here. In real life, it is hard to talk about this, and even if I did the people I know would have a hard time understanding why I care. They seem to think M is totally normal. They would be supportive but they wouldn't get it. They don't see how fake it is or how it subverts human life.

I have been hesitant to post here because I worry that the people here will not understand the other side of me---the side that believes that I need P and M or I can't deal with reality. It's not just urges or lust, it's that all day I have to make decisions in the face of a world I can't control and don't understand. With P and M, for a little bit of time I can "control" the part of the world that enters my mind. Even though it's fake, I worry I can't face up without that escape.

So for now I will take your advice. I will spend more time here and I will be a more active participant.

fr33et wrote on 20 Dec 2020 16:11:

I understand.
We understand.
And we are here for you.
Every step of the way.

Welcome home!

fr33et wrote on 20 Dec 2020 16:11:




Hi Fr33et,
I feel you and understand you.
I really do. I watched porn almost on a daily basis a couple of months ago and have had my fair share dealing with masterbation.

I didn't think people could understand me either.

Rest assured
We can relate to you.


Keep posting an updating!

The guys here understand you very well. Been there and done that! We all "needed" our pornography and masturbation pacifiers. (For the record, it is beneficial to speak out and write out the words instead of referring to them as "P and M" as long as it is done in a clinical, non triggering way). You are amongst a chevra that can truly validate your feelings. And help you out of this mess b'ezras Hashem.

Hi guys. I haven't had a chance to post for a few days, but I'm still clean. It's easier now because I'm visiting my parents' house. I'm a little concerned about how it will be when I return to my apartment.

I've been enjoying the conversations here. To be frank, you guys can come on a bit strong sometimes, but you are very helpful and understanding. Even though I haven't posted in a couple days, I've been thinking of a couple of new topics and I'll post them when I get a chance. Thank you all for being here!