Clean and clean.

Did some Pesach cleaning on my computer, it was necessary and could not be done by anyone else. It was a little triggering but I was able to do it in the least triggering way. I am really grateful that I was able to do that (hope my wife doesn't realize  ).  

B"H been clean by GYE standards as well as mine.

GYE: clean, my standards: 98% clean.

If I would get a 98% on any test I would be pretty pumped...

Earlier, I mentioned that I would be flying. In the past, I would spend 80% of the flight watching movies or other entertainment, often ones that were not clean at all. 

I haven't been on a plane for close to two years (pre GYE) and was unsure how I would hold up this time around. Instinctively, I started looking through which movies were available and I reminded myself that I didn't need to watch anything to survive. My wife fell asleep and I started looking again, for things that I could only watch when she is asleep...

There was. I put my hand up on my screen and said to myself, "you are better than this." 

Then I found some creepy movie about dead people and ghosts who though they were alive... 

Slept for a few hours, never done that on a plane before. Got off the plane thinking, "cool, I was on a plane, watched only one movie, and survived!"

Had a connection, on the second flight, I started watching a movie that didn't look like the most promising to be clean. First scene is a sex scene. I said ahhhhhhhhhhhhh! Now what! I looked over to see if my wife was noticed. I took off my headphones and asked her how it's going. she just smiled and said "I love you, thank you for all your help with the kids." That gave me the strength to find something clean to watch.

I don't know if she saw or not, but her response was what saved me. Hashem is looking out for me.

Sorry about this ramble, just proud of myself. 

Had another fall. 

A lot of pent up frustration. I had a deep and lengthy conversation with my father. I really opened up to him about many of my struggles including this one. It went really well, he listened and was very supportive. 

With much gratitude from North America,
Wilnevergiveup

Wow, that's courage! Kudos to you!

I had a rough couple of weeks. The good news is that instead of freaking out, I am looking at is as a learning experience. I really learned a lot about myself and some of the things that trigger me. There was something that I urged for that surprised me. I was lusting someone who wasn't particularly special in any way and I tried to figure out what it was about her that was making me crazy. Figuring out what it was was very eye opening.

I have this deep urge to be something special for someone, especially a woman. I want to be wanted, loved, and cared for, that is big part of my struggle. These things are what I see in (or fantasize) women that I fantasize about. Vulnerable women are a trigger because I think that I can help them and be their hero then gain their affection. 

I am very grateful that at least I was able to gain something. The situations that I was in were ones that I have never been in since joining GYE and therefor I was really unprepared for them. It was rough and I now know that for the next time I need to have a different plan.

It's really strange how different places and situations (I am not referring to triggering stuff) can really make me into a different person. When I am with certain people or in certain places, I can totally lose all sense of rational and logic that I have anywhere else I am. All I can say is that it's really bizarre and I will have a lot to go over with my therapist next time we meet. 

Thanks for listening, it means a lot to me. 

I am a little uncomfortable writing this because something is telling me "just get over it and move on" but on the other hand it's still nagging at me. Maybe writing it here can  help me get past this.

So, there is this girl, actually, she is really a woman now but I've known her casually for quite a while. She is a little younger than me, single and very pretty. She is somewhere on her way back from being off the derech, is very sweet, kind and sincere. We bump into each other every once in a while and she makes herself available to shmooze with me for as long as I please. she could sit on the couch or at the table for hours just chatting and every time this happens, I find myself prying myself away from her because I am uncomfortable. 

She dresses and gives of the vibes that she is available for me (no not like that...) and that she is really interested in me and my life. That's a BIG trigger for me. 

I'm usually okay in the moment, I say hi, tell her what I am up to in life ask her what she is up to (vegetarian these days) then I find some way to escape in the least awkward way possible. then I spend the rest of the evening trying not to look in her direction. It's a hard but doable.

Now it's a week later and I still fantasize about her. I think about what it would be like if we could just shmooze for hours, what it would be like if we could become close friends etc. 

It's not like I want to marry her and it's not like I even like her. I actually think that she is really weird and eccentric. She is vegetarian (I mentioned that) she rides her bike in shorts all around town (not the type of person I typically hang around with) and surely not someone who I would get along with as our values really don't line up well. I don't compare her with my wife, I don't dislike my wife because of her, it's not a competition, my wife has everything for me and she has almost nothing.

Except that she makes me feel wanted. She makes me feel cared for. She shows interest in me and what I am doing. She provides me (at least in fantasy) the feeling that someone wants me. It's like I have this big hole that she fits right into and fills. 

It's hard to explain but yes, my wife provide for me all those things, but it's just not enough. I think that it doesn't mean the same thing to me because she is just doing what a good wife does, but when I get it from someone who doesn't "have to" it's just different. 

And yes I go to therapy, maybe I will discuss this next session. 

Sometimes these situations arise that we try to fill a void with a substance that just won't do the job. In more modern communities it happens that guys sometimes socialize with girls who they never intend to marry. (Of course this also happens to an extent in other communities, just less openly...) In the end, usually there end up being two broken hearts. They truly gave so much to each other, validated each other's feelings, made the other feel important and needed, etc. For your sake, and for hers, cut the relationship. Let's not create an emotional challenge for either of you when this "giving each other attention" comes to an end.

There is a very good book "Running on Empty" that describes the challenge those amongst us (many of us) who somehow did not get enough emotional nurturing as kids and teens, and enter married life quite needy. Learning to accept the reality, and understanding that the hole may never get completely filled is step one in attaining emotional balance.

In addition to paragraph one, let's face it. We live in crazy times. Society at large is extremely permissive - and it rubs off on us. What begins as a completely innocent relationship - making each other feel important and listened to, can chas v'shalom quickly develop into a touchy feely friendship, when one party "really just needs a healthy hug", and then it go even further than that.....  Be smart. Cut it now. Take care of yourself. Understand your needs. Let your therapist help you accept that your wife may never give you everything you need, and that that is ok. May Hashem give you (and the thousands like you) menuchas hanefesh and fulfillment.

I am disappointed. I let myself down. 

I have to figure out what it is that I want from myself. 

I am not quite sure...

It's frustrating because I know what the issue is, and I don't know how to fix it. I am trying my best to work on it with my therapist, I just wish that my issues didn't always lead me to masturbate.

I feel for you.
Is there anyway to coupe "with" the issue, before "fixing" it?
It sounds like you have many great people you talk to, would it have helped if you spoke with your brother/father/rebbe etc? Not for help, or ideas, just to share and be listened to?

Also sometimes the issue itself isnt what gets us, it's the way we feel "we need to get rid of the issue" that is harder on ourselves. Sometimes when we accept that we have this issue, and it's okay even while we still have it, it gets much easier, and it's like a weight lifted off our heads....
Dont know if any of this is relevant to you, (hence I dont even know which kind of "issue" your going threw) just sharing some of the realizations that have helped me in the past.

About the friendship with that girl...
IM no specailist But I'd say cut it off ASAP.
also The relationship between a man and his wife is something that needs to be built Hopefully one day you'll Get there (if you're not already.
Also maybe it's because of ur problems that u feel like you need someone else other them you're wife. (I'm not saying this is the case just asking what you think).
And being a better yid and learning Torah Should probably do the Job in filling any open holes.
(not Saying youre not good Just may take a bit of time to feel).
All the best!!! 

Rt234 wrote on 24 Aug 2021 15:11:

I don't have a relationship with her, I just fantasize about her a lot. It's already cut off, it never even really started, still hasn't helped me.

My relationship with my wife is excellent.

I do have problems that my wife can't fix and I don't expect her to so yes I do need someone else (although it doesn't have to be in the form of another woman).

I learn all day (10 hours mostly retzufos), thanks! My day is filled with good things. Still doesn't fill any holes or me unless I do my work on filling them.

All the best, thanks for responding.

On the topic with that woman. 
I think I can relate to the idea of what your saying, and ill try to explain the way I see it.

feeling unworthy without just ourselves, we need something we do special, especially to others to make us feel worthy.
when we find someone that is vulnerable and the6 see us as the special man for them, in the way we wanna be seen, in order to feel worthy, it just fills that hole, we suddenly feel worthy and living. And when we dont have it in real life, our minds keeps on wandering back to that fantasy.... seeing myself help her in such a meaningful way, and that thankful eyes.... the feeling of worthiness, if we cannot have it in reality, then our minds push us to the comfort of fantasy.
it can happen it aall sorts of ways, sometimes when we hear about someone that really needs money, and we imagine being rich enough to provide the whole wedding... or seeing a bucher OTD and I will be his friend to bring him back on track... etc etc.
So I dont necessarily see it as a lust issue per se, it's a general "unworthy feeling of our reality selves" issue.