Chasdei Avos! You have a great Neshama. One of your posts a while back made both me and "Mevakesh" cry. You wrote:

"WOW, do I have chills right now. I just read this forum from start to finish and to say it is giving me chizuk is a huge understatement. I am flying high emotionally. This is the best preparation for the Yomim Noraim, a time when all of us are trying extra hard to succeed. I am no prophet, but I can say with certainty that Hakadosh Baruch Hu is looking down at everyone on this sight and kvelling with unbelievable simcha and nachas. All we ever try to do is the ratzon Hashem, and right now, right here, on this website, you guys are smashing the samech mem (evil inclination) to pieces and spreading the glory of Hashem's malchus in the world, precisely the point of Rosh Hashana. Thank you and let this be the reason you are all written in the book of Bracha, simcha, Parnassa, and all good things".

Read the chizuk e-mails every day. If you need extra chizuk, you can access the entire database of previous e-mails (hundreds of them) over here.

And here's another "thought" that I plan on sending out in a chizuk e-mail one of these days:

We all know that this whole desire is a blown up bubble of hot-air, built around what we see and imagine in the mind. Experience has shown us all, that as soon as we get what we thought we wanted -- what we thought was going to be absolutely incredible (according to what we saw and fantasized), as soon as it's done, the bubble pops and all that's left is "hot air". And we are left shaking our head and not believing that this was the whole thing for which we sell our very souls.

So in essence, the fact that we struggle so much with shmiras ainayim and all these powerful fantasies, and the fact that we need to use such strength and give our hearts over to Hashem - this all is really Hashem's greatest gift to us.

This sounds a little strange, so let me explain what I'm trying to say:

If we would just be like the goyim and just give in and get all we wanted in these areas, we would have NOTHING at the end. Do they have joy from this? The minute it's over, they are left disillusioned and seeking other pleasures to fill the void they feel. So think about it. Hashem has chosen us and uplifted us from the filth of the world with such kindness. He has given us the opportunity to give him our very hearts! We have the opportunity to make all these "valiant" struggles every time we turn away from looking at something the Yetzer Hara wants us to look at. But what is the alternative, if we would give in? Nothing! Emptiness and disillusionment! The Yetzer Hara promises so much but delivers nothing! So what I'm trying to say is, that this whole blown up desire we have, and all these difficult struggles not to look, etc... it's all really a "game" that Hashem is playing with us. He makes us feel we are "ripping out our hearts" for him - and he indeed gives us the reward AS IF WE DID RIP OUT OUR HEARTS and he allows us to come closer to him than any non-Jew could dream of coming, and yet, it's all a game. For if one would be able to see in advance the way he would feel after he would give in, he wouldn't even have a struggle!!

That is perhaps what Chaza"l meant when they said that one day the Tzadikim will weep with joy that they were able to overcome the mountain of the Yetzer Hara, and Resha'im will weep that they couldn't overcome this little string of the Yetzer Hara. One may ask, how could the Yetzer Hara really be two things? Well, based on what we just wrote above, it could be that the Tzadikim are talking about the "mountain" that the Yetzer Hara "FELT LIKE" – when they DIDN'T give in. But the Resha'im are seeing the little "nothing" that the Yetzer Hara really was WHEN THEY GAVE IN.

So it's really all a game of Hashem's chesed and love for us. Hashem is really only asking of us to over come a "small string", but he makes it LOOK like a mountain so that we can truly give him our hearts and get the tremendous reward he wants to give us!

Remember this and you will stay strong even in what "feels like" the most difficult moments!

If you need it, you can come on the group call tonight.

Chasdei Avos,

How did your day go by? Today Rosh Chodesh by Hallel I got the feel of Yom Tov again. Remember Hashem is "Mekimi Meafar Dal Meashpos Yorim Evyon" We just have to ask him and he will help us out of this garbage.

Ever since I joined this forum, the words "HODU LASHEM KI TOV" has taken on a whole new meaning! I SCREAM THEM, I SHOUT THEM, I BELLOW THEM. HASHEM IS SO GOOD TO US. HASHEM LOVES US AND HASHEM IS OUR FATHER FOREVER AND EVER!

CHAZAK V'EMATZ!

I have a feeling that Hashem is calling the whole Pamalia shel malah every day to read what's going on here on this forum!

I have to tell you. Just the show of love and concern evidenced by all of your responses to my plea for help is in its own right a huge chizuk for me. To know that so many people care.

The only reason I did not and do not always respond quicker, is because B"H I do not have internet in my home at the moment, bli ayin horah, nor am I on the internet that much dutring the day, Baruch Hashem for that. So I apoligize.

Snax: There is no question that post yom tuv has a difficult pull. I guess all previous years, I would try hard to be strong until after yom kippur, but then let my guard down. Now B"H, I am trying to continue my fight together with you guys and so its not simple. Thank you and I am still clean with all of your help, but still a bit weak. I had some close calls, which Hashem saved me from (Thank You Hashem). We will pull through together Bezras Hashem. Please let me know how things are going??

Guard: That vort is such an awesome truth and gives me strength. Thanks for the honorable mention to lift my spirits, as you always do.

I could not agre with you more about the pamalia shel maala

Elya: Thanks for the offer, but I missed it again.

Jack: Thanks for the great mashel. With all the ropes tugging me up on this sight, I am sure we will all be at the summit in no time.

Mevakesh: You never cease to give all of us power packed chizuk.

Bottom Line: You guys are great. Thanks

Chasdei Avos

Chasdei Avos,

It's only by seeing the strength evident in you and everyone else here that gives me the push to write the things I do.  We need each other, always. And we need Hashem always! Yisroel, Oraysa V' Kudsha Berich Hu Chad HU!!!  It's a winning team! don't desert it!

Chazak V'Ematz!

I just want to let everyone know that my heart is with you. I wish I could be posting a whole lot more than I am. There are so many things I want to say to so many of you. I love you guys with all my heart. I just don't have yishuv hadas since the begining of the week. Actually, if not for you guys I definately would have fallen. Please daven for me that I should get back to myself quickly.
with love gratitude and respect,
battleworn

Battleworn, this page of Chizuk might help you when you're feeling weak. Some great warrior once wrote it. I forget who.

We will daven for you!

dear chasdei avos - speak to someone live! it will be hard to disappoint them. without speaking to anyone, it is very difficult.you need that live support from a real person.go on the phone group, or connect with a sponsor - dont try by yourself! the people here are wonderful! today is day 58. another month will be 90! and then i'll start to work on some of the other things that have been bothering me since childhood. jack

Jack,

Day 58!! Gematria of Noach! It's Parshas Noach, and Noach was a TZADDIK!!!  Jack, You are a Tzaddik too! We are counting you  to stay strong for us!

CHAZAK V'EMATZ!!

Hello fellow warriors-beloved brothers,

After a big break, here is the next installment of my story.
The only way to describe the last 5 years before I got married is HELL!, nothing less.
At this point I want to point out what I didn't know when I was a bachur. I hope others will benefit from my experience.

1) The struggle is not a problem but rather a gift from Hashem to make us grow. Although we must always avoid nisyonos as much as possible and we daven every single day "al tiviaini lidai nisoyon", but when Hashem in His infinite wisdom and infinite love gives it to us, we must realize that it's exactly what we need.

2) Every bit of effort that we invest to be misgaber, is immensely chashuv in the eyes of Hashem.

3) We don't always have bechira. We can never know what is expected of us. So we always need to try our best-not one drop less and we may never ever give up. But after the fact, there is no reason to assume that we could have done better.

4) Perhaps my worst mistake of all was that I concentrated all my effort on not being mz'l. (Often trying to stop at the last second.) I was not at all aware of the damage I was doing to myself by not guarding my eyes and my thoughts. In fact I had never learned about shimiras einayim at all. I thing this alone is a fatal error.

5) Hashem doesn't expect us to go it alone (This is one of the main yesodos of the Baal Shem Tov and by now it's accepted by everyone.) You need to belong to a system/community/Yeshiva/Chasidus etc. A tzibur is much much stronger than a yochid. And you need to ask for help if you're in trouble.

There is no question at all that my life would have been very very different had I known these things. But of course it is all for the best and I hope that through my suffering, many others will be spared from sinning and suffering. I also want to point out that I did not suffer any significant trauma in my life. Of course I suffered some level of abuse-everyone does-but clearly the greatest abuse by far was from the ferocious, monstrous, wicked, mean, vicious menuval. Also, I never associated taivah with love, but I am a very loving and emotional person.


When I got engaged, I suddenly felt calm content and happy in a way I had never felt before. As a result of that, I was much more in control. (I had one mess up in those two and a half months.) The day of my wedding I cried so much so hard. The tears flowed straight for two hours and it was coming from every fiber of my body and soul.
At the time I thought the big fight was over. In fact I still think so, only now I know that there were more big fights to come.

That's it for now, I hope to continue very soon.

Beautiful! This will definitely be in a chizuk e-mail one of these days :-)

The first year of marriage was okay, although it was a big shock to me when I discovered that my wife dislikes physical relations. I was very patient because I loved her immensely (I still love her) and I hoped things would get better. She tried a few times to get help but it seems that nobody (including me) was able to understand her. As time went on it got harder and harder. At the time I didn't realize that she is uncomfortable with love, disgusted by intimacy and incapable of experiencing pleasure. I thought I was being the best husband in the world, because I loved her despite the fact that she was making my life miserable. I had no idea that I was also making her life miserable.

After a year, when I was under a lot of stress I fell back to my old ways of ups and downs. It was about then that I actually bought a p... magazine for the first time in my life. The ups lasted for months at a time, but then I'd fall again.
After about a year like that, I b'ezras Hashem made a big comeback. I learned a few seforim that strengthened me tremendously and opened my eyes to a totally new level of understanding in avodas Hashem. I reached a very high madreiga (by my standards). My learning and davening were on a different plain. My shmiras einayim was on a very high level and my bein odom lachaveiro was also way up there. I was extremely happy and very resilient. [At that time I realized how twisted my understanding of shmiras einayim had been. I would catch myself hoping (almost praying) that I would see pritzus by accident, since it's osur to look intentionally. I suddenly understood how ridiculous that is and how damaging these things are [u]even if you've seen them a thousand times before[/u].] It was then that I began to understand that everything I'd gone through was a yerida letzorech aliya. This stage lasted a few years.
 

Woah. Leaving us hanging like that in middle of this fascinating story?

May I ask, based on what you wrote, are you never with your wife?
And what did you mean you were making her life miserable as well, even though you loved her. How is that?