Dear everyone,

I really want to share my story with you, but it's long and I can't do it at once. I want to start with the beginning and the end, and I'll try to fill in the rest in installments. I grew up in a very good environment. My parents are tzadikim. I don't mean they're considered tzadikim or they look like tzadikim, I mean they are really tzadikim. When I was very young, I don't know exactly how old but it seems to me that it was before I knew how to read, I discovered a porn magazine that someone had hidden. To this day I have no idea who it was, it could have been a guest etc. I was immediately drawn to it with a strong force, and the struggle basicly started from then. I hardly ever felt pleasure from porn and I think I never felt pleasure from masturbating. I never wanted to do it, I just couldn't control the drive.
Now I'd like to skip to the end.
That powerful drive is mostly gone (more about that IY"H another time) but the treaturous murderer is allways working full time to somehow get me. Some of his main tools are depression and anxiety combined with curiosity. I don't get aroused easily, but he's happy just to get me to look. Since I discovered this forum, which was about a month and half ago, he hasn't had any hope of laying his filthy bloody hands on me. Thanks to GUE and friends. So that's it for now, CHAZAK VEAMATZ!!! YOU GUYS ARE GREAT!!!    

battleworn,

reading what you just wrote put a thought in my head:

The one who placed that magazine in your home unknowingly (but not blamelessly) was the cause of your sinning countless times! There is no question that he will have to give a din V'Cheshbon for that!

On the flipside, when you do a good deed, you may not know it, but if that good deed causes others to do good, and do countless maasim tovim, the reward that you will get for unknowingly causing others to do good is infinite!!!


I look forward to reading more of your story.

Chazak V'Ematz!

Looking forward to hearing more of the story... When it's complete, I hope to put it up on our "Recovery" strories to inspire others...

o'k so in that first stage the rotten ruthless menuval obviously didn't have much resistance. Although I'm a very conscientious person, it doesn't do much against a powerful urge. I used to look at the underwear and swimwear sections in the sears catalog. (the magazine disappeared after a few days). [I must point out that it was a tragic mistake on my parents part to have the catalog in the house. I know that they just couldn't imagine that a "normal" person would be drawn to such things. The hateful menuval had them fooled. Look how that crooked wicked evil malicious menuval uses every dirty tactic. He doesn't respect the Geneva Convention or any convention. He fights so dirty, and YOU CAN'T IMAGINE HOW MUCH I HATE HIM.] When I was about 12 I again found a porn magazine in my house. This time I knew whose it was and I got him to supply me for the next 5 years. That magazine (and future ones) had the additional effect of making me associate all kinds of things with shmootz. The way someone sees something the first time has a very strong impact on his perception (am I being clear?). [This was also a tragic mistake on my parents part. While I learned the great lesson of giving from them, I also learned -the hard way- how careful you have to be with who and what comes in to your house.
sorry I have to go now, bye

battleworn i really understand you.sometimes parents just  don't realise what they're doing.we have to be on our toes w/ our own kids.

The next installment:
It was also around that time that my little sister told me about a phone service (in those days it was 999) which she thought was funny. I didn't find it funny at all, I did find it addictive. So by the time I became bar mitzvah, I was pretty messed up already. It was about then that I started fighting back. In the first stage, I really had no chance at all. But as I got a little older, I began to worry that if I don't get out of this mess now I'm going to really be in trouble when I get older and more physically mature. Most of the time I was in yeshiva where I didn't have access to garbage but I spent a lot of time fantasizing and masturbating. So I started fighting hard and I discovered that if I daven shmoneh esrai with a lot of kavana I could manage to stay out of trouble until the next tefilah. [The fact that I was davening was great, but I had one crucial mistake. You see when I was a kid was told the story of a famous gadol that when he was young he couldn't understand his learning. So he cried so hard that suddenly Hashem opened the gates of wisdom for him. That's a terrible story to tell children. It's so important to teach our children that our job in this world is to work with what Hashem gave us, and to work patiently, diligently and consistently toward our goal. But being that I didn't know that, I was full of frustration and guilt.] At that time a friend of mine in yeshiva bought a science fiction book by isaac asimov. After he read the book he told me that it's a great book but he just has to tear out about 40 pages from the middle. But he'll let me read it first. [What a "friend"! The truth is that I don't hold it against him, I hold the ferocious malicious menuval solely responsible for everything. The reason I'm writing this (and a lot of other details) is [besides that it's therapeutic for me] that we've got to know our enemy in order to fight him.] The saddest part is that I was all alone. One time my Rosh Yeshiva asked me if I feel I am in control of my y'h. It's really to his credit that he wanted to help, but what a fool this otherwise-very-smart-man was being. He would force me to tell him things which I didn't want to and didn't need to, and suddenly he expects me to trust him and confide in him. How utterly ridiculous. Anyhow, that's basically what went on for the next few years. There were always ups and downs. At one point I was in a place for a "zman" where the stores routinely displayed indecent pictures outside. I found that the only way I could control my eyes, was by saying Tehilim out loud as I walked in the street (the streets were noisy so noone heard me). At the same time I got a letter from a relative who knew me well and must of somehow known that I was struggling. He wrote about a letter from R' Hutner zt'l that's printed in "pachad yitzchak"
opps,I have to go now, so more next time iy'h

Than you battleworn... I am copying the installments together and when the story is done, I'll put it up on the site!

I didn't understand this part: "He would force me to tell him things which I didn't want to and didn't need to, and suddenly he expects me to trust him and confide in him. How utterly ridiculous."

Did tell him about your struggles or not? And if yes, what did he have to advise you? Nothing?

What I meant to say was that, given the way he treated me in general, there was no chance of me telling him. So I just said that I was in control. (The funny thing is that although I didn't know it at the time, my real problem was not with control but rather with perspective.) While I'm at it I'd like to fill in some other details. 1) When I was a child it would happen that I would be with my parents or siblings and we would pass pritzus etc. Every time this happened they would say "ich disgusting" etc. and I couldn't understand them at all. To me it was bad and alluring, not at all disgusting. This was quite unhealthy for me. It gave me the feeling that either I'm crazy or they're crazy. [To this day I don't find porn to be disgusting. What I do find disgusting is when the horrendous, sly menuval manages to get g-d fearing women to dress in tight clothing and other forms of pritzus.] 2) When I was about 16 it suddenly dawned on me that I'm not fooling the world. The person who they think I am is who I really am. What I keep finding myself doing against my own will does not define me at all.
So I was telling you about the letter. R' Hutner was writing to a talmid that had complained to him that the rotten menuval was giving him a hard time. So he discusses the pasuk "Sheva yipol tzadik vekum" and he explains that it's the falling (7 times) that makes the person in to a tzadik. It's a very powerful letter and he ends off saying (based on chazal on bireishis "tov meod zeh yetzer harah") "had I received a letter from you saying that everything is great in your avodas hashem I would of said it was a good letter. Now that you wrote me what you did I say it's a very good letter." This was a great chizuk to me but the wicked, cruel menuval kept on saying to me (of course I didn't know it was him) "fine 7 but 700 or 7000 that's something else". I also heard at that time, I think in the name of R' Abramski zt'l, what I think might be the most important yesod in chizuk. He said that when a person is itching to say loshon horoh (it's much easier to talk about that) and he holds back 1,2,3 times and then it just bursts out. He thinks "I blew it, I messed up, it was a waste of energy. But that's not the case at all. Because (although he must do teshuva) for each "regah" that he overcame the urge he will indeed merit "Or haganuz sheain kul malach uberya yecholin leshaer". This was extremely relevant to me because the evil menuval would always say to me "you might as well give in now because you know that at the end I always win." I thing that these two pieces of chizuk are what saved me from giving up totally.
Then I came to Israel and I had to travel often on packed buses. So I got in to the habit of making sure to be pressed against girls, while of course looking as innocent as possible. [This is something that people really prefer to ignore, but it is definitely not uncommon. In my opinion it's a big problem.] My ups and downs continued: basicly the better my learning and davening were doing the more control I had. But the books and magazines that I got from friends were a killer. For the most part I'm not refering to "bad" stuff, just regular novels (robert ludlum etc.) and innocent magazines like sports illustrated (the regular issues). An interesting thing started when I was 18. Somehow, every week at the same time (at first it was friday at sunset time, after a year or two it became later friday night) I would get the overpowering urge and would desperately look for material and I would always eventually find something to look at or read until...  I don't know if there are other explanations for this, but I think it's because that's when my soul was screaming for spiritual pleasure. All this went on until I got engaged.
got-to-go

I heard from Rav Moshe Ahron Stern Zatzal, that the Sitra Achra (our enemy #1) is most powerful on Friday night, as the Kedusha is so much stronger then. In fact he would always  advise couples to have guests friday night, as that was a ripe time for the Y"H to cause the couple to get into arguments...having guests would prevent that.

Chazak V'Ematz!

Mevakesh, did you know Reb Moshe Aaron Stern?  I did.  he used to come to my city
every year to collect and would give us wonderful Shiurim.

I would like to make a suggestion to everyone.  As a writer and a reader, its difficult to
read such wonderful postings in large blocks.  So if we could separate our paragraphs
like this, it would make it easier for old people like me to read.

Battleworn's struggle is common.  When I went back into my past, after I was sober for
awhile I recognized the abandonment issues I was put through and the lack of any positive
reinforcement of anything I did.  This is what I keep telling people that call me. There is usually
a past childhood issue that is the root of our addiction to wanting a connection with others.
What we do to medicate ourselves is just what we do, not the root cause.  It's difficult to get
to the root cause while I'm still acting out in my addiction. 

I want to wish everyone a KSiva V?hasima tovah.  I will be davening for all of us.

A

Battleworn, I put up your story here... although I am still waiting for the continuation :-)

Notice that the story is in the Recovery Section. I put it there based on what you wrote at the end of your story. But this puts a big Achrayus on you  There's no going backwards from here, only forwards. You've become a powerful asset for us on this forum, and I want to thank you for that again.

May Hashem be with you!

I can never thank you enough: For this forum, for your chizuk, for your praise and for everything. I agree that my story belongs in the recovery section, and I hope to finish it soon.

Please: I need some chizuk. I have been clean bli ayin horaah since rosh chodesh elul, but as the days go on, I feel weaker in this regard. The prustkeit is on every corner and there is no escaping it. I really really am much much happier in all regards without the shmootz, but I need new boosts to keep me strong. I just have this feeling like it can't last too much longer chas vishalom.

Thanks for listening.

Chasdei Avos

dear chasdei avos, today is just like yesterday - if you did it yesterday, you can do it today.it's just mr. yetzer hara again telling you that its different, it's really the same. and you are loved by everyone here.would you want to disappoint those who love you? it does require brute force, though.however, to climb a mountain, you need the people above you to pull you up. on this forum, that's what you have. jack

Chasdei Avos,

It must be the after yom tov that is getting to us. For the last 2-3 days I feel the same way. I return to the forum almost every half hour to get some chizzuk. Actually I got some chizzuk from some of your posts. "The malachim are dancing now as they see you're not giving in". Let's both post our progress at the end of the day and show the y"h that he should try elsewhere. We did it and we can do it again.