I know this is random but I thought it was funny so here it is. I was reading an X-ray commentary on Rocky III on Amazon prime and they go through the goofs they include one of them that there's no minyan by Mickey's funeral bc Jewish funerals require a minyan to be able to begin davening. So that's my completely random post for the day. On a side note it's the next day and I was fine. So I'll try the same thing next time i feel like slipping. Thanks guys

I don't remember who posted it but thanks to them for the idea to reach out when you feel like slipping and not waiting till you feel like falling. Great advice

Good work Shua

It really gives me much Chizuk the way you handled it!

To come out with it and to suppress it.

o.k. group. Here's the update:
Yesterday, I failed. The yetzer hara took many steps and set up a lot of things, 
and I fell right into the trap. Then, I came to my senses,
picked myself up again, and reached out to my 2 support buddies:
hello...
not doing too good.
Not feeling like it's even worth the effort to post my feelings and experiences.
could use a little/lot of help.
Thanks
---------
Both guys told me that I'm making amazing progress and that I should definitely continue posting.
It's helping me get my feelings out, and may very well help others who may read what I'm going through, my honest struggle, and ultimate success over this nisayon.
I even talked to one of them by phone, which seemed a little more real or urgent.
But it was pretty hard to write a post about failing, making myself so open and vulnerable. 
I picked up the GYE book I had printed out and read the Attitudes part #23-30, which I knew, but reinforced that I just need to get up, not get discouraged, and move on. 
I need to learn from my mistakes though and not keep repeating them.
So I analyzed the situation, the trap I fell for. Here's how it happened:
The yetzer hara tricked me with the time control safeguard thing on my computer.
I had a desire to go on the computer when it was the "wrong time" and to do so I had to put in the password. Once I did that, I watched streaming videos.
(I've watched streaming videos a lot in the past month, with all the bad/explicit sites blocked).
Then, I typed in a porn site, thinking it would be blocked, and wanting the security and good feeling of seeing the screen turn all green and say blocked (which although illogical, I've actually done several times in the past 35 days). Well, this time, unfortunately, now that I had inadvertently turned off all the controls, (when I put in the password to use the computer, outside of the time I had set it for, it turned off the "block all explict/porn sites" too), so the inappropriate site popped right up.
Surprised, but not able to "X" it out, I fell for the 1st time in 35 days. I don't even think it was a test at that point. I don't remember deciding anything. I couldn't rip my clothes off fast enough.

Going forward, I think I should either be super strict with the time limits, so that I succeed and live my life, and am doing what I am supposed to be doing all the time throughout the day...
OR take off all streaming videos, but forget about the time limits, so that it is always available.
Concentrating on both things at once, was too strict and had the opposite effect!
(and I fell and watched porn and masturbated and wasted seed)!
I'm choosing the time limits, since this may help me get my life in order quicker.
Eventually, both are important.
Now, I have to be extra careful not to go on the computer outside of the times I set.
This was a setback, but I'm not giving up. I'm back on track and will break free.
Hopefully, it will only take me 90 more days to get to 90 days clean.

quiet wrote on 15 Dec 2016 15:03:

Or, not any worse than many of our esteemed posters.

Yosef Tikun HaYesod wrote on 16 Dec 2016 07:25:

First of all, Shkoyach/Chazak uBaruch (now you know I am likely either ashkenazi or sefardi) for posting

I did not post about my fall at 2 this morning and thanks to you I will in the next post. You are an inspiration

"I couldn't rip my clothes off fast enough."

After rereading your post, I assume you meant to act out and not to mourn

"OR take off all streaming videos, but forget about the time limits, so that it is always available."
Do not quite understand this options.

I have changed the color to ocean blue to reflect calm lapping waves so you understand my tone in the next paragraph is not a negative one.

I (Mr no clean streak) am not one to talk to Mr 35, a streak I have not had in perhaps a year. HOWEVER, you CAN'T HAVE THE PASSWORD TO YOUR FILTER. If you do not want your wife to know, give it to a fellow GYE member and he can email you the password if you need (big help it is for me -- sarcastic -- but you are one step more removed from falling. You can require yourself to tell the shomer why you need and promise to reset in X minutes.)

I need to talk to myself and ask my shomer to wait at least an hour after my request before sending password (in case I had an urge, give it time to rest). There. I did it. I just wrote to my shomer -- thanks to you:

Can I request:

If I do not follow up with a personal email with a reason why I need the password to wait an hour before sending? It is getting a bit too easy for me. If this is too much of a tircha, I can show you how to send a time-delayed email.

but even I do not have my own password.

Yosef - I'm replying to your long post

I know that if I'd allow myself access 24hr anytime day and night I would inevitably fall as I enjoy u-tubing and filters do not work for me

What has worked for me?

If your struggle is like mine "trigger happy at computer", and putting up some sort of fence will help, then feel free to join my "good night device calendar"

Balabos is also an active participant

I fell early this morning. I gave Shua a Karma point for being there for me before and after fall. Like in 13 middos -- Hashem Hashem -- He is merciful before and after sin.
I fell after going to my Tamar and Amnon site again (ask Cordnoy for the deeper secret behind this name. I must say Cordnoy you have a humorous way of editing instead of boring stars that just make me feel stupid and bad).

I kept my resolution from last and removed passwords from 69 sites. I am sure people on this site are too holy to attach any significance to that number.

So with my finances a mess without any passwords, I have made the following resolutions after another fall.

1. Next time I go to Tamar/Amnon site (though I can certainly do without Amnon), if I do not post a 'I am slipping' like Shua did before I touch myself negia kol dhu (any touch through clothes). Unfortunately, I am not on darga of Yosef. I succeed even with clothes on.
I will require myself to post about whatever slip/fall takes place after that

2. Next time I fall I tell Shua my first time (which is very daunting for me especially if I have an uncommon name like Yechiel Aluitious)

3. As I wrote in my last post, I asked my GYE shomer not to send my password immediately if I do not provide explanation


I wrote before that I struggle (pardon the pun) with if I am an 'addict or not.' I really do not think I am an I do not NEED lust. (It is a machlokes my doctors - Dov was not impressed to hear that I have not figured it out myself and quote my doctor).HOWEVER, I am definitely having a very hard time following through with my motivation to avoid lust and my battle is not simple

My biggest incentive to stop lusting is to have the word recovery attached to me like Cordnoy does

quiet wrote on 16 Dec 2016 14:23:

II can't say I understood everythin', but me like this post.

will Succeed Beh wrote on 14 Dec 2016 19:03:

Before I get to the point of my post, I am confused. Shua's avatar appeared online like a gavel on top of $$$ and in the email, there was someone's face. Are these 2 pictures connected?

To add to the mess, GYE does not store historical pictures so now this whole old thread is talking about that beautiful waterfall (does not look like a person to me) which brings me to the purpose of this post.

Shua,
That waterfall is beautiful. I just love it. Even though I enjoy movies and have definitely barely heard of Sylvester Stallone, your new avatar just rocks. Is that Niagara Falls? (half of it looks like it could be, but some falls are missing)

Markz wrote on 16 Dec 2016 14:19:

All right I join, albeit a small commitment. (but these rules would have saved me last night)

No youtubing after midnight on non-motzaei shabbos for the rest of 2016 after midnight except to help me fall asleep. It is only defined as helping me fall asleep if I am horizontal.

Breaking this will have the din of a slip which means I will have to write about if I break it for even one second and will then have to upgrade what I do on next slip

quiet wrote on 16 Dec 2016 14:33:

The waterfall is Victoria Falls in Africa. 

To add to the avatar confusion, there is a bug in the mobile site where it still shows the old avatar in posts (even new posts made after the avatar was changed), but shows the new one in the user's profile.

quiet wrote on 16 Dec 2016 14:33:

It's Victoria falls. Much cooler than Niagara even though I've never been there since I don't really have any family in Zambia.

Yosef Tikun HaYesod wrote on 16 Dec 2016 07:25:

Personally, when I said that I felt like slipping although it was a couple days ago so I don't remember it 100%, but I generally slip by watching or looking at pictures that are somewhat inappropriate and I tell myself that I want to see if my search query is actually inappropriate or just pareve or to check whether xyz will get around the filter not since I have desire for porn but rather I am curious as to what would happen when I do this. I feel that that's very similar to what happened to you.
what worked for me was to just post hey people out there I'm thinking of doing this potentially mutar thing but it's not smart. I think that would also help you a lot. Instead of worrying about the actual line between streaming reg movies and porn when you start doing something like that tell people that hey this is what I'm doing and let's see how it goes. It makes it easier to succeed..

I wrote back to you already, on my 90-day forum:
This is good advice...and I did this a few days ago, with great success.
Markz posted a response right away, and I got out of the danger zone and didn't fall.
[when I feel vulnerable, like I am going to do something wrong (porn, masturbate), then
posting for help here in the group and on my forum thread and by email, is certainly a
good idea! Hopefully, just writing about it AND getting a supportive response or two, 
will snap me out of it, and I won't slip/fall/fail.]
But yesterday, I didn't feel like slipping or falling/failing.
This was a trap that I fell into by surprise.