Dov wrote:


I'm right here. Just got busy with life itself and didn't have time for much.

Dov, I really appreciate you taking the time to write and write some more and then some. What you write is very insightful.

I'll try to explain where I'm coming from and what I'm saying in a bit shorter than the long story above.

I was purposely vague in my timeline as one of my safeguards against being identified. But basically, after I figured out how to masturbate at the age of 17 (on Chai Elul!), I did it for several months. Then I stopped and was pretty strong until the year before marriage when I discovered porn. In between the age of 17 and marriage, I fell here and there but was clean the overwhelming majority of the time. It definitely wasn't a part of my life.

When I got married, I was clean for 2 years until the birth of my first child. Then I fell back in for several months and then on and off until I swore it off and was clean of everything for another 2 years.

After that, I never really went back to "porn". I did fall in other ways though. I guess what I was trying to say is that it hasn't been a part of my life for quite a few years now.

The ways that I did fall included more sensual stuff, erotic writing and a very short stint (a month and a half) with an online buddy. Of course, these falls came with masturbation too.

Sometimes I masturbated because I was stressed/overwhelmed and/or wasn't satisfied in bed due to my wife's low libido which the result of her mental/emotional illness. I'm not trying to justify anything, just stating the facts about how I felt at the time.

Ever since I got sick of porn all those years ago, I haven't gone back. I did that short stint with the online girl and realized that it was very dangerous. I stopped and never looked back. It took me one sitting in the bathroom (where all good ideas come from ) to concoct my idea and then a few days to execute it. I didn't think it through all the way. I just wanted to ensure that I wouldn't be able to go back to her even if I wanted to.

Basically, I've been clean for the overwhelming majority of the time for a number of years now without any treatment. I slip with masturbation here and there when life gets tough. I don't think that makes me an addict, but hey, what do I know about addiction?

What I'm trying to work on myself is: that even if I'm not feeling well, and my wife is not well either, and money is extra tight, and things need to be done, the kids need to be taken to and from school, the house needs cleaning, laundry, supper, shabbos etc. and my wife is barely with me once or twice a month.... That I shouldn't even masturbate.

It's a tall order because usually, when you're that desperate, you can be in the shower or wherever and it can happen before you realize what you're doing....

Hashem help me....