Sunday morning and night, and monday morning I fell. Ive been clean since then but Ive been doing really well. My schedule is a bit off now because I hung out with a friend and its later than normal for me, Im trying to get up early. Anyways, the point is is that since I missed my bedtime I feel like "Ok whatever I might as well watch a movie till 2 am and get up late." And of course that would mean being on my computer alone late at night 1+1=2 so Im going to try and use my brain and write a post and go to sleep after this.

Davening to Hashem to take my lust has been surprisingly helpful. I hope to try and continue it.

I looked online for motivation advice and I found a good eitza which was surprisingly simple. It advised you to know what your living for kind off or rather to know your life goals, and then figure out how what you do fits in to those life goals. So Ive started outlining what I want to become/who I want to be as a person in 6months 5 yrs End of my life. And then Im going to break it down in to a plan and hopefully a daily plan. I hope Im not just dreaming but I really want to do this. And then when everything is planned out to however amount I can plan it out, then I should feel happier with my schedule because Ill see the purpose in what Im doing.

So thats my update for now. Keeping Clean and Going Strong

Also after these last falls I am physically sick, sore throat and slight fever. I dont know what that means but its kind of scary. As if my body is on the edge of a breakdown after I M*... Thinking about taking vitamins/supplements.

Ok Good night all

quick update: was clean 3 weeks longest in a while, fell 3 days before yom kippur again erev yom kippur again this morning. taking some steps to increase filters and working on taking steps to get better more proactively.

Will have better news soon hopefully. Shana Tova to all.

What exactly are these steps that you're taking? Are they the same ones that you've been using all this time?

I went years using the same steps (including a filter) and things seemed to be improving. I went from masturbating every day to twice a month or so and I thought I was onto something. I was certain that if I could just go 40 days without masturbating it would be easy from then. Yeah, right.

Eventually it got to the point where I was fed up of going round in circles. I was fed up of the cycle of relapse, remorse, never again, a few weeks, relapse, and repeat.

That's when I realised that if i was to get better i needed to use a different method, and life has got a lot better since then. One day at a time.

JKG, i am new to the forum, so i don't know all the tips but i have found that a really helpful one is taking it one moment at a time. literally one moment at a time, less then a second at a time. i fell this morning but i got right back up b/c i pretended like what just happened didn't happen, ppl get caught in a rut when they think abt what they just did, it makes them feel shameful and vulnerable, which many times can lead to the need to soothe themselves. im kinda getting that feeling from you. which i think is why u went 3 weeks and then 3 days later you fell. correct me if i am wrong. i have had a very familiar situation, i went 5 and a half weeks and then i fell, i had so much shame that i didnt get out of it for a long time.

also some one gave me good advice after you do actually fall. focus on the next positive thing that u are supposed to do (example: going to minyan) keep that goal in mind and forget about what just happened.

hope this helps.

YTC!

Deep breath! One NOW at a time! Smile!

Ok well I came back here to give an update and ask a question that I think is at the root of my issue. I just reread my last post and wow I must have been optimistic because I dont think Im that optimistic now at all. John Watson maybe you can enlighten me because Ive been in the same circle for a while now.

Back to my question/problem/dilemma. I am out of yeshiva now gonna focus on college and I feel like for the first time Im starting to use my own brains after reading some self help books which emphasized self reliance as the starting point for self-esteem. Now I will admit that Ive been reading self help books for a while and not doing any of the exercises that are recommended so Idk how much they actually help me. But lets say that this is a start- Im thinking about why I feel in this mood where I dont want to do anything or just act out and push off responsibilities and I feel like theres some issue just beneath the surface that if I could just grasp it and figure it out I would be fine. The breathing techniques (sorry dms ) and the positive thinking . get back up learn and move on. Are just bandages for the real problem. Its like they say in the blue book. RID . Restlessness Irritability and discontent. Im mostly just discontent. Im not satisfied with life. I dont know what the purpose of my life is and what Im going for. What my drive and motivation is. I know that I could let this drift off into a territory of thought that I wont think about again until im 40 with kids and have no real time to think. But I feel like I have a responsibility to think about this and to get to the bottom of whatever it is thats clawing at me from under the surface. So again I could just go to college pursue meaningless hobbies and time wasters. Travel and go on vacation when Ill have money from a job.. I kinda feel like im having a mid-life crisis at __ (my young age)

And then I get caught up in well my purpose in life is to do mitzvot and earn schar for the next world and connect to Hashem in this one. And my reaction is well ya I believed it or acted like I did for the past couple of years in yeshiva and general but I guess im just not convinced. Probably because I never did my own thinking and just accepted whatever logic was thrown at me. I am actually afraid to hear things that contradict what I know to be true from Torah (you know with those anti types) about half the times I can overcome it and be involved in an intelligent conversation but the other half its like my identity is in balance because Im not serene/confident with myself/religion/my values/my keeping with those values.

mmmm Im not sure anymore Is any of this making sense? How do you guys feel about living your life your just here to "do the best you can" "get married and have babies"

Honestly I think I sound pretty ...snobby? Im not sure the right word maybe pretentious (although Idk what that means either lol It just sounds right) when I come up with these grandiose theories about the real why of why im acting out. maybe I should just forget all these things and turn my brain off. but I dont think thats the right thing, and Im afraid that trying to think for myself and figure out the values that I want to live by or why/what I should live for will alienate me from my family. the people in my community who look at me as a regular good Jewish boy. Maybe ill decide to be less religious and Im scared of that (lol less religious im freaking acting out multiple times a week and im afraid to lose my religiosity... what a joke) and Im afraid you guys will just think of me as a guy whos looking to ditch yeshiva and do whatever he wants, which honestly Im afraid myself that maybe thats the reason also. I dont want to become like all those guys who leave yeshiva and then you see them in bars and clubs with girls all over them.

Ugh ok I think I lost the point of where I was going with all this. Something to do with what the heck am I doing with my life. Any advice ...?... and please dont tell me to breath lol I need a discussion not a yoga instructor (and Im apologizing in advance for being a jerk for saying that)(maybe I should breath actually....)

Is it ok to use explitives? ...

before this becomes a run on post with everything going through my mind Ill just end it here and Im not proof reading or going over this post so whatever is there should be pretty raw and real. g-d bless you all (especially if you had the patience to read all this)

Welcome back,

The Good doc is on hiatus from here; he is, however, a powerhouse of a thinker and a "no-nonsense" type fellow, who cuts to the chase. He's helped me immensely in the past two weeks (besides for the past 18 months).

Have you ever read the white book, the one with the 12 steps? While it's not for everyone (it actually might be for many of us), it does seem that it should be right up your alley. You can find it on the home page or look up sexaholics anonymous.

Your road to recovery (if you so choose) should be blessed with hatzlachah.

JustKeepGoing wrote:
I learned the opposite here. Relying on Hashem and realizing it does NOT depend on ME is starting point of self-esteem. Putting mySELF in the center, makes me selfish. As a result, I take credit for my success (which is gaavah) and take credit for my failures (which causes depression, the flipside of gaavah). They are both the result of thinking it "all depends on ME". Realizing that it ALL depends on Hashem. All I can do is HIS will the best I can leads to tranquility and humility (I'm VERY far from both, but closer than when I joined GYE).

JustKeepGoing wrote:
Our purpose is to serve Hashem - period. The schar is a nice side benefit.

BREATHE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I think you are reeeaaalllyyyyy overthinking things and you really need to calm down first. After that, follow everyone else's sound advice!

Welcome back DMS; I have been holdin' in my breath now for several days. I can finally exhale.

thanks.

Next time you take a vacation, kindly supply us with gas tanks.

Gas or oxygen?

Oy, guess I'm going to have to get you a BIG tank soon.....

We'll really need to be "Tankin'" for a while.

Just don't get tanked...

Tank you for the tips!