Hello guys,

Been a while since Ive been here but happy to see that things are still happening here. People getting help etc.

So.. Ive been in a major rut despite really growing in maturity and realism. Ive studied a lot of psychology, have taken up healthier habits exercise, sleep, and I've been working to keep the time busy.

Just to give you a frame of reference here, Im around 23 yrs old, just stopped doing Yeshiva full time and started college. Im pretty scared of the future, I dont know what I want or where Im going. Im starting to get a degree as all of my friends are already getting fancy sounding jobs in big places and it makes me feel kind of small and scared of the world. So that kind of stuff makes me run to the drug of P&M because of all the reasons that I know people have spoken about at more length than I can get into. (comfort, etc. ) Although I will add a personal reason why I P&M is that I feel it'll get me out of responsibility because when I act out I feel like garbage/sick and if Im sick I cant be expected to do anything. So definitely a way to avoid responsibility for me.

So now Im back on here, not really sure where to go or what to do next. And I think I just want to be back here part of the community to get advice from and see what you all think of things and get some support.

I'm hopeful that this will be the end of the hamster wheel Ive been stuck in.

Its good to be back

WELCOME BACK!

KOP!

Welcome

stick around this time.

Take a deep breath and take things slow.

Perhaps an idea or two from the site or the people will resonate with you.

b'hatzlachah

Welcome back and to qoute someone's user name, just keep going.

hi JKG, welcome back
this time stay for dessert, ok?

Welcome Back! Stick around!

Thanks so much for the warm welcome back, Ill try and stay for desert this time

So I might as well jump right in here.

Im in this mode right now when I have plenty of things I could do, but not necessarily anything I want to do at the moment. Friday afternoon finished my work for today and Im bored. This is typically a dangerous time for me, not because Im lusting but just because Im so bored and dont want to do anything.

How do you guys deal with what Im going through? I know that I maybe should pump myself up and go for a run or something like that but I'm much more tempted to lie down and watch T.v.

Edit: and to make it clear I typically will look at inappropriate pictures to pass the time and It'll snowball from there. Regardless of me starting to look because of lust or boredom.

Good question. For myself, I think its important to develop a passion for those other outside interests. Not just something you will do if you might be in the mood. When you are bored, its something else you need / want to do....

Hi guys Shavua Tov.

I had a pretty crappy weekend where I didn't go to a single Minyan the whole Shabbat, stayed up all night Motzei Shabbat watching T.v. Movies and you guessed it- P&M.

So that was bad. Spent Sunday recovering from my multiple falls and here we are Monday new day exercised and spending time on GYE.

I figured I would share that. Good news is I'm 24 hrs clean.

Ive been thinking about this procrastination issue lately and I think the main reason is just fear and like another GYE'r told me looking at the whole thing and getting overwhelmed. Fear, general dissatisfaction with life and not achieving goals, procrastination, lack of support at home emotionally/lack of understanding, and continuing to undermine my self esteem by doing things that are destructive..

I want to post here and share but I know that this wont change anything, in the end of the day it falls on me to make the change, to do. But I dont exactly know what to do.

Theres a danger for me also of using GYE (and any support, friend therapist etc) as a place of getting sympathy and that makes me feel good. So instead of doing anything I just complain and whine and get some sympathy. And then act out to get soothed. and then cry and complain. It makes me wonder what the heck is so bad with my life that I need to be soothed and supported so much? Am I a baby? and then (lol its humorous to see this now that Im writing it) I get down for being a baby! ... ugh

Another thing about procrastination and overwhelm. I noticed that when I (today) decided Im going to do this only one thing. I had other things popping up in my head that I needed to do. And this time instead of saying, yes I need to do that Ill do that Ill get to it etc. and stressing myself out. Doing one thing with the other in my mind. Rushing through the first to get to the second. I basically said "no" "nope not gonna take care of that other thing." and when the thoughts came back again - "nope, to heck with that other (really important other thing that Ive been pushing off), Im doing this now" and it made me realize that my problem for procrastination might just be that I want to do everything at once! Meaning im too much of a yes man.. its not the problem that I dont want to do anything like I always thought, its that I want to do everything. So that was a slight epiphany for me there.

Im working part time and I want to quit my job because I dont need it and its stressful for me, I dont know how to go about doing that because bringing it up scares me.

Saying that things scare me at the frequency that Ive done in this post scares me because Im scared of my image! (First of all LOL what image this is an online ANONYMOUS forum.... ugh the craziness runs deep in this one)(and I dont want people here to think Im a scared little child)(but I feel like a scared little child sometimes..) (sometimes not though)

And lastly, I was chatting over here and one of the GuYE's told me that the most important thing in life is to

"Just breathe. Things happen, life goes on. Keep breathing"

I find that quote very helpful because I can get quite hysterical and lose my brains sometimes.

So thats my thoughts for now and Im gonna keep sharing g-d willing hopefully getting these things off my chest will help.

Great post (slap on the back and hug; make you feel good).
I think it may lead to other posts where you'll open up like many of us, and you'll begin to see that that helps and is beneficial as well.

Meanwhile, remember......

Very true, we definetly want to just get everything done but work and life doesn't work like that. We can't just have immediate gratification.

Slow, slow baby steps. nice and calm with plenty of deep breaths.
One thing at a time, one day at a time, one now at a time.

Thanks guys.

Well I want to share with you all that Tuesday morning I had again multiple falls. I had a friend over until 12 and then I needed to do my "work" on my computer but I was too tired to stay sitting so of course I went to my room and had the computer there by myself late at night.. watched tv for few hours and there you go. It didnt end up with me listening to a shiur lol it never does at that time of day.

But on a more positive note I did feel a very big amount of guilt, like I was letting you guys down. It didnt stop me from acting out and I dont know if feeling guilty is ever a good thing so in all Im not so sure how positive it is but I just wanted to let you all know that I do feel accountable to the GuYE's here.

In other news, Ive still been extremely stressed lately. I have a job that I find very stressful. Its only part time and yes I dont do it many hours a day but because I hate it so much I end up procrastinating not taking care of it until at least 1-2 pm (so I waste a lot of time in the morning) and then I finish and of course its too late to do anything productive then (and it doesnt help that Im normally drained and cant think straight from acting out...)
I want to just go over to him and tell him, "listen, this isnt working out for me.. I cant continue working for you" but the problem is is that I feel a complete lack of confidence to do that. And also its not just me quitting, this whole job was originally my idea and he hired me because of that. so now who would replace me? And how do I quit?

I guess thats all for now, I think I might try to get a partner in a different time zone so that I can be in touch at late hours of the night.

Hi JKG,
I just joined these forums recently, and it looks like you've been here before, so I don't know where on your journey you are and if my support will be on target.
However, your story struck a chord in me and this is probably what I would want to have heard at 23.
1. You are great! From the fact that it bothers you to miss davening, watch tv, movies, and P&M, you obviously know that you are a good person. You even came here to get help! You're like superman to me - many of us did not begin to seek help until much later stages in life! Don't get down.
2. No shame here! You came to GYE to get support. We ALL did! You say you feel like a baby? I'll be the first to admit that when I was 23 I was not mature enough to face my problem head on.

Now here's my advice just based on my very very short experience of trying to stay clean:

3. This may be sacreligious, but don't worry about Hashem. Huh? What I mean is, doing P&M obviously makes you hurt inside, but don't focus on the tshuva, punishment, etc. aspects of it. It sounds like (based on your guilt over missing tefillah) you are connecting P&M to a spiritual downfall. I suspect that this will ultimately cause you to be depressed, because no one is perfect, and we all have failings from time to time on some level or another.
Try instead to equate being clean with eating a delicious meal. Some people may have high kavonos when eating steak, but personally, I eat steak because it tastes good. Same here. Try to make yourelf realize that life is better - physically - when you're not lusting and busy with P&M. This is a fact. If we can realize and accept this fact (myself included - still working on it), we can try to break the cycle.
Maybe after that, we can try for "higher kavonos," and stay clean l'shem shamayim, but start with shelo lishmah.

Not really sure if my ramblings make sense to anyone else, but I'm convinced.

Keep posting, we all need the chizuk!

or perhaps someone who also keeps late hours; check out gye at 2/3 am and see if there are guys around...ya' never know.

b'hatzlachah

Thank you Bigmoish I appreciate the kind words! Especially the point about realizing how it takes maturity to work on my problems.

Cordnoy asides from the fact that I would need to be on my computer to do that (which is something I would want to avoid) that is still a good idea I hadnt thought of.. so thanks