Thursday morning I fell, I wasnt even lusting so badly I was just in bed on my phone and accidentally got around the filter and my brain was like programmed to think- "well, I might as well not waste this opportunity" I have those thoughts because of the times when I was lusting really badly and spent hours trying to get access to P and I could only get images and that frustration was so much that if I have the chance so I should take it right? (note- this is what I think is going on beneath the surface, in my conscious mind Im all "no, stop it, why are you doing this?? this never makes you feel good etc. etc. etc. you know the drill..)

So after I fell I did some Google searches trying to find out why the heck did I act out I wasnt even lusting, and I stumbled across a site that said there are certain cues that can trigger automatic responses. (like conditioning) and I realized that just laying in bed, alone, comfortable, relaxed, bored, slightly depressed with an opportunity to act out makes me trigger an automatic "ok lets get this over with" mentality where I start to be pulled to act out. So last time that happened to me and I realized what was happening that a cue was triggered I stopped with the intention of breaking that cycle. What I'm writing about here sounds awfully like other material I've read on GYE but for some reason it didnt click until I thought of it like a cue, a subconscious cue.

So aside from that, Fri, and Shab. clean B"h

I also found helpful over the weekend to remind myself that I-... ME not someone else was the one who acted out. meaning when I was on teh way to shul I was feeeling really good about myself I was talking to some guys on the way and while they were making some stupid jokes I was steering the conversation to more normal territory, and these guys like to argue so when it was getting out of hand I kept them in check, like I felt mature like one of the older guys (these guys are younger than me) So that, plus I was actually going to Shul (havent gone in a while) so I felt really darn good and I realized that I was separating myself from the me that acts out. Like now I was acting like the better more mature version of me and that I was (finally finally finally) leaving the old bad inferior masturbating fearful version of me behind. And I did what was counter intuitive and I made myself realize that hey YOU are that guy! its not two people! and I did that so I shouldnt fall into the trap of thinking Im ok and Im fine because I havent acted out in 2-3-4 etc days. Now I thought that maybe that might not be so great because its like pulling yourself down from a high, your just starting to climb why bog yourself down with memories of "evil" things you did and are not happening now? Just keep going (.. ) and dont focus on that. But no, it had a very humbling feeling and a feeling of "ya I (capital, capital I) was the one who did that, and NOW look at how im growing from there..!" it gives you a base from where to climb from, you start from the picture of you that your trying to disown as opposed to having multiple verions where ok now im operating at efficiency x, Im a level 6 Tzadik now.

Also, by doing that at night, the next day Shabbat, I was thinking about how am I going to quit when Im so scared to confront people (why is that by the way?), when I remembered "other versions" of me, who HAD confronted scary/intimidating people. I have done that in the past. And thats another benefit of not splitting yourself up into versions because once I accepted the crying pathetic version of myself from my past I was also able to accept that the images of myself acting with confidence despite intimidation was ALSO me. Until now whenever I would think to myself, "why are you so scared youve done this at least 5-10 times in the past" I would be cutting that part of me off and saying , "no that was the more confident version of me" but now when you (I) cut that out and start to accept my flaws and the images/scenarios of myself in the past that make me cringe then its easier to accept the images/memories of me acting in ways that make me feel heroic.

So basically when you do the difficult thing of accepting the cringeworthy acts that make you want to cry, youve taken the first step to stop splitting yourself into different versions, and once youve done that you can finally start to take strength from the strong things youve done (YOUVE done not a different more confident version)

Thank you guys for reading my posts, (or at least skimming through it lol) it feels good to share these thoughts with you guys.

Wow! Sounds like you took some HUGE steps forward over the weekend.
It's always good to learn different things that make you "tick." It can help you stay away from those activities (and inactivities!) in the future.

It also sounds like your confidence is returning as well. That looks like a great sign to me.

Great to hear from you again!

Thank you Moish!

(I clicked the little thank you guy on bottom but Im not sure if I'm yoitzeh lol you took the time to answer at this late hour so at least a proper response right?)

Many of us read every word; keep it up!

b'hatzlachah

Thanks Cordnoy,

And just to clarify, when I mentioned at the end "how am I going to quit" I was referring to my stressful part-time job. I havent had the guts to quit and I want to.

How do I say no to myself? I see the pattern starting again, I come here when Im clean a day or 2 and Ive had some epiphany about whats going on when I act out but Im still no closer to quitting! Im so frustrated. I just need to say NO. How do I do that??

I feel hopeless. I keep coming back here but its too little too late, Im not sticking to the diet and I complain when I dont lose weight.

Last night I was on comp. and instead of just going to bed I delayed and delayed like I didnt want to go to sleep. Like I didnt want to do anything seeking unconsciousness like state. Like a mind numb

I wish I was back in the days when I wa 200 days clean. I keep progessing and getting worse and worse,one a week to 2 a week to 5-7 a week. One of the (scariest) benefits of being on the 90 day chart and posting is im finally really seeing how much I M its scary and crazy. But I still dont stop and when Im in the situation when I can fall/lets say alone at night on comp. alone in house. in bathroom with phone Im HAPPY to fall! but at the same time im screaming inside and I feel dead inside!! what the hell is wrong with me? and then/ now I have the consolation prize "Im a fighter Ill never give up" Ill keep trying to get better. Im a freaking liar, " Ill keep pretending to be a fighter to make myself feel better that Im not doing a dam thing to help myself

Last night I see a pretty girl in an advertisement, ok dont look. I look. well now thats not enough, let me search pics. not enough. one was innapropriate (you know what I mean) and well I might as well watch P and now thats it. same freaking cycle every time . I need to learn to say no. Maybe I should call up that therapist again.. although I always avoided it because of the price (my parents think Im normal and I dont want them to pay for it..)

I have this thing where I need to be hysterically upset over something in order to change it. Its hard for me to be self-assertive unless either a- Im not intimidated by the person or b- Im hurting really bad. I think that part of me is what makes me not take charge of myself ugh I dont even know what Im saying anymore.

I went to update my 90 chart and when it asked me what will I do in the future to prevent this fall I realized that some basic leave the computer in a different room at night would do wonders for me. And its funny because thats why I named this thread trying to start from the basics, because I recognized that the basics are the most important part.

A lot going on in your posts. First things First: TAKE A DEEP, DEEP BREATH. You seem very stressed right now but for me, being stressed, has not help me recover. So in and out, in and out. AHH! Hows that? Feel better?

Ok, i could go on and say a long shpiel about your post but i won't, because you don't need that right now. Have you reached out to anyone yet? Friend, therapist, even someone on GYE? We cant do this alone. We need outside help. We arent that strong that we can "defeat" (God, i hate that word) the yetzer. So i suggest getting in touch with someone.

and always remember to stay calm and recover on!!!!!!!

Thank you for that post, you have no idea how much it helped.

Im right now procrastinating very much and I dont want to start doing anything because it feels like sitting down and doing the work would be too hard. So Im feeling the urge to look at some pictures and since I am trying to be more conscious about what Im doing, I have to admit that before you know it Ill be coming here to post how I fell. So this is me posting HELP Im stuck in this "overwhelm" like state a lot to do not doing anything, I even have a book on this topic Im not reading bc of this lol

Update: after the last post I chatted it up over here on GYE, (for those of you that were there know I mightve chatted it up a bit TOO much lol) but anyways that really helped a lot. I went to go exercise and it was really great to get outside and move, get the blood pumping.

But what was so annoying was that at the end of it, meaning after I got all the lust out of my system, someone told me what they did with a girl.. it was inappropriate obviously. It had practically nothing to do with the conversation but I guess he wanted me to be impressed and I kind of just shook my head like "seriously man.." and inside I was like howling- wishing that I could do the same thing, and my mind racing how I would have to be off the derech completely in order to allow myself that and then I would have to stop and do teshuva to get a good shidduch lol

But the point is is that it was so frustrating to go through the whole ordeal of almost falling, not falling, going to excercise, feel good, and then BAM unrelated lust provoking story and now Im back at square one with the lust again.

Perhaps though its not really a square one because this time I came here to post about it first, as opposed to this morning where I came here almost by accident.

UGH Im still lusting after this post

Anyone have any experience with the big red button,

The turn off button?

Im debating using it but Im a bit scared. It might be too gruesome for me

Use it. It won't give you nightmares. Or maybe I'm just insensitive already. If it works, good. It's there for a reason.

Regarding your issue of passing a huge nisayon only to be followed up by another one, I am not an expert, but it has happened to me, and I imagine that it is quite common.
It is very frustrating. What has worked for me so far in this situation, is what I mentioned earlier on this page in point 3. If I focus on enjoying real life after passing a test, instead of clenching my fists, tightening all my muscles, and saying "Phew! Dodged another one!" every time an urge for lust comes my way, it makes it a little easier to deal with the follow up punch. It gives me more motivation to succeed.
Try to figure out what works for you. Maybe it's the button, maybe it's a chat room, a phone conference, whatever. Just don't wait until the next time the test comes to start experimenting.

Hatzlocha Rabbah. We're rooting for you.

Ugh. I got overwhelmed with posting because there was too much to say.

I had to do a job for a few weeks before the new zman. I was busy from early morning till late and had no time for anything basically. Despite that I fell on a Sunday and managed to go a full week followed by a full week.

Im not sure what to do anymore. I get to the point where I know I need to reach out but its too hard. I would send a text but I dont have anyone I really want to reach out to. The one time I tried it my friend was like Oh my g-d I cant believe you would do that come on man.. And I dont remember exactly but I think it was a friend who I had opened up to and was alright about it.

I dont think Im an addict just someone with too much free time and time thats "free" the kind that because Im being lazy or procrastinating out of fear of something I need to do. And then I wonder if I am an addict because maybe not being an addict means being able to have free time and not act out or get the urge because theres an opportunity. Maybe the urges only come with free time because my brain is hard wired to associate free time with an opportunity to act out? Man I must have been a sad child to have my brain on the lookout for free time just to act out. Like a dog with the bell (sadly)
I dont think theres a practical difference to if Im a "real" addict not an addict honestly I stopped caring over a year ago. I just wonder sometimes. And maybe I need SA or maybe I need better time management..

Im back in yeshiva and the second it gets hard Im not motivated to continue. I dont back down from challenges I enjoy them (I think, maybe thats a self glorious over exaggerated self image Idk) but I think at least when Im on a hike that I enjoy or swimming and have a goal of x laps whatever I get pumping and I wont stop. I think if little molehills are stopping me its only because I dont want to be there. But nooo you need to be in yeshiva to get a foundation. WHAT FOUNDATION IM FREAKING MASTERBATING IN MY FREE TIME!!!

Didnt expect that to come out wow

.... I want a sponsor someone who I can text and call and chat with. Anyone willing to take on the case?

A word of warning. If I do well for like a week or two Ill stop calling bc Im gonna think Im fine. Im not. Dont allow me to stop calling and say "oh I was busy" Its bs. I stopped caring.

My post seems to be a bit more angry than I normally let out. And even though Im slightly scared to let that side of me out/be seen. Im happy to be real. I just hope I can be real for a bit to get the crap of my chest and out of my mind and start living with real serenity.

A lot going on here. I will say it seems like you are WAY too hard on yourself! Remember progress not perfection. Take a chill pill and remember your worth it! You have incredible potential!

My email is dms1234ongye@gmail.com if you want to gchat or email!

Welcome again.

my email is: thenewme613@hotmail.com

b'hatzlachah