I am sorry to say that im switching sides.
Before im accused of being a traitor,let me echo what i discussed today with a married fellow.
Women do not always want to have sex.
Its a chiddush to me,i must admit.
And thats annoying.
And the sex that i want is lust.
Lust can be turned off.
And then i will only want sex when i love a woman(i think)
Am i off here guys?
Either way,im switching my vote in which is easier to:single
-uri

URI

DAVAR BI-ITTO MAH TOV!!

(EASY FOR MR TO SAY MR.MARRIED GUY )

My thoughts -

For singles - the urge is stronger in the early years. Also less real life distractions. No parnassa and family who depend on you.

For married - after years of feeding the addiction over the years, your not just fighting an urge but also negative conditioning. Even if the against a slight urge, ur helpless to act out. Its the only way you've acted the past 10+ years.

I don't think there is a clear winner. They are both difficult fights and take place on different playing fields. The only thing that is certain. If you've been losing as a single, you will not win married. If you win as single, you have a great chance to continuing clean in marriage.

That's a clear perspective from clear eyes.

I vote for cleareyes. Pshara.

Uri wrote on 07 Sep 2009 20:29:


You really didn't know that?
If they did, married men would certainly have an easier time and there would be no discussion here!

Here's another one: I've heard rumors that women LOVE chocolate.

OK, that's about all I know about women.


BTW I still vote that it's harder for us single folk.

cleareyes613 wrote on 07 Sep 2009 20:37:


Good post, but it depends what "early" and "later" are. Because, as we age, our (meaning men's) hormonal profiles eventually become almost indistinguishable from grandma's. So yeah, there wouldn't be many urges by that point.

I vote for single. You're never allowed release.

Bruce, your posts makin a lot of sense... _{Are they the longest you ever posted? :D jk}

Trying,

It might be different for women. I don't want to sound sexist, but I don't think a married woman will ever hear from her husband "Not tonight, I have a headache.", so it may very well be harder for single women.

I agree that for men, each stage has it's difficulties, and hormones are much stronger when we're younger. Also, working 9 to 10 hours day saps some of our strength, and that usually happens around the time we get married.

I totally agree that if single guys don't get it together, getting married won't help, you'll only bring your problem into the marriage. That's a major chidush for a lot of single guys.

Alright here's my two cents even though its worth only one:

They each have different challenges. 

This addiction feeds off of guilt, dispair and hopelessness and the buffet is loaded of all that when youre married.

On the other hand, at least for me, you dont see the graveness of your situation when youre single...when youre single you tell yourself that its normal and healthy to bate, that pr0n is a part of normal adult life that youll stop when you get to 20, to 30, to 40, that marriage will make a difference, etc etc...when youre married you can tell that this is an addiction and needs to be tackled as such.

Also, when you're single you need to be at singles functions and other social functions and cant be a social outcast which makes it harder to stay away altogether from girls...when you're married you are out of the game and that is normal behavior...

on the other hand, when youre single you can shut it down for long stretches, when youre married you need to turn it on, turn it off, tonight yes, tomorrow no...sometimes you think tonights gonna be fireworks instead you get a hug, a backrub and a warm cup of tea...now what are you supposed to do? I think some of you touched on this...

also, when youre married youve been in this holding pattern for years and years and years, which makes it harder to change...its harder to change a 5 year habit, even harder to change a 10 year habit and near impossible a 15 year habit..

in all, my struggle has gotten harder after marriage

one last point, when a married guy gets to "relieve his frustration," as some of the single guys so romantically put it, it lasts all of 5 minutes and then it begins again...so in terms of having an outlet, when youre addicted, the outlet only helps a tiny tiny bit...

just pointing out that if you look at the wall of honor chart,theres only one or 2 single guys
just putting that out there...

URI YOU A 2 FUN=E

Uri wrote on 08 Sep 2009 20:55:
There are many thousands of spiritually (and mentally) very unconnected people out there who are heroin addicts in my town. Yet they don't use the heroin any more. And they owe it all to:
Methadone
No recovery - trust me, they are just as sick in the head and horrible as before, just not dead. (jury's still out on that one, though...)
So, maybe lots of us married guys learn how to use marriage to survive without our using addictive behaviors, kind of like lust methadone. Except that the methadone probably only works for heroine users who do realize that they'll die if they use heroin again. Do we all have that
"advantage"? I think the lucky ones do.
If we abuse marriage that way, we definitely get better much, much more slowly, which is too bad (especially for the spouse!!), but perhaps it is easier to keep the sobriety count going. Nu, yet another reason not to put too much stock in that counting business...
Uh oh. I'm thinking too much again. Help!!!

Rage AT Machine wrote on 08 Sep 2009 20:19:


At least you get a backrub and some tea!