some_guy wrote:


To me you just sound like you are drunk. Ramblings of a drunkard.

Sorry to say that, but that was what I was like when I was acting out. I couldn't handle the emotions before and after; the lack of control, the guilt afterwards, the feeling of failure, the highs, the lows, so I would use any tactic to numb myself up emotionally until I had calmed down enough to ..........

.....act out again!

Thanks for reminding me.

some_guy


All I'm seeing here are labels. It doesn't really matter what you are or what you aren't.

What matters is that there is something you are doing that you can't stand doing. Sure, you think it makes you feel good, but you HATE doing it so much, so much that you decided to get on here and berate yourself because of it.

Stop focusing on your shortcomings unless you can learn from them.

Where can you go from here, because you're sick and tired of the same old?

I fell a few hour ago. I don't even feel ashamed now. It is like it is just part of my life.

It seems that is part of the y"h's plan.

Dov wrote in this thread that you need to get committed to the process somehow.
Gibbor said that you gotta take action.

Pick something concrete to do that will help improve YOUR LIFE, and do it TODAY!

just my advice

We all wanna help

It should be b'hatzlachah

some_guy wrote:

So why don't you just enjoy it?

Why are you posting here?

Why is it called a "fall"?

Sometimes the best moment is the rock bottom moment because that's when things can only get better, and there is a certain optimism in that. Someguy you don't sound very optimistic. Perhaps rock bottom is not far away, or perhaps you'll do just enough to avoid rock bottom and you won't get that sense that things have to change now. That would be a shame. Of course a lot depends on what you consider rock bottom to be.

i know i hit rock bottom nine fateful Sunday's ago, and i don't wanna go back there...ever, and ooh, this time I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I am never ever ever going back there,I am never ever ever going back there, like ever!!!!!!

chesky wrote:


Simple truth. Refreshing question. I doubt he will answer you, tho. It just cuts too close to the center of the issue.

Hi everyone,

I feel better today. Last night I had a discussion with skeptical. He helped me a lot. I don't want to count days, but I have been clean for a little while. I will try to post here at least once a day.

Chesky, I am posting here because I want to stop. Before I didn't really believe I could control myself. I know that with Hashem's help I can stop. I know that I will never do it again!

-some_guy/Elias/Eliyahu

Eliyahu,

I was not challenging you (despite Dov's post)and I am sorry if it sounded like I was.

But I identified so strongly with your confusion, frustration and turmoil that I wrote what I did, because that is what I had to face.

For me the internal conflict after acting out was so great, that I had to employ a number of mechanisms to deal with the emotional turmoil.

Sometimes it would be by daavening to HaShem with intensity, often feeling sooooo close as a result, feeling guilty was another reaction (yes, guilt is part of my addiction!) and other times I would post something on the forum just to calm my feelings, to make me feel as if I am doing something, that way I would emotionally masturbate my feelings until I felt strong enough or desperate enough to act out again.

You wrote



I would love to be happy for you. I don't know you and I cannot tell you what is the correct thing for you. I can only share my own experience and for me feeling better after a fall was the stage before acting out again.

Today, I don't give two hoots about how I feel. I am powerless over my feelings, ups or downs. I just gotta do what i gotta do to stay sober and sane just for today.

May HaShem give us both a clean and sane day.

Chesky,

I am sorry to hear that you are having a hard time. My feelings effect me differently than with you. When I feel really bad I would fall, which would cause me to feel bad. It creates a cycle of depression and lust. So when I feel good, I know that Hashem has helped me by braking the cycle. It does not mean that I am cured, because addicts are never truly cured. Rather, I know that now is the time for growth and development.

For the past few days, I have been great. I have had almost no thought enter my head, and the ones that did I removed quickly. Hashem stopping the Yetzer Hara from attacking me. When people said turn over the battle to Hashem, I didn't understand what they meant. Now I know. It feels so amazing I cannot describe it. All the self doubts and internal struggles are gone. Its simply amazing. I hope everyone have a nice and clean day.

-some_guy/Elias/Eliyahu

Thank you Eliyahu. Mau HaShem be with us all.

some_guy wrote:

I am thankful that today I am able to admit that I am powerless over my feelings.

I used to think that it was low feelings that would cause me to act-out. I am thankfully aware today that i am equally powerless over high as lows. I am powerless over my frustrations, resentments,anger as well as excitement. Without help from my Abba, I will ultimately always turn to my drug.

May HaShem grant us a sober and sane day.

Hi,

I am clean right now, and that is all that matters.

-some_guy/Elias/Eliyahu

Hi everyone,

I have been feeling better. I only look at the current minute, never before nor after. It has worked out quite well for me so far. Also, if I have done anything wrong to anybody, I plead for your forgiveness. I wish you all an easy fast on Sunday, or is it Thursday. I get confused when the fast day is on a shabbos.

-some_guy/Elias/Eliyahu

Glad to hear you're doing well now.
Keep us updated on your progress.