Thank you for the advice. I think what I am trying to medicate are feelings of disappointment. Whenever I do something wrong I always get upset and it would stay with me forever. Let me give an example.
Once in kindergarten a teacher or someone gave me a math test. The questions would get harder as the test went on and when I started getting wrong answers the test would end. I did really good. I eventually learned that I was doing 5th grade math, but the part I remember most is the last question. I was given a picture of several shapes in a square. I had to find which answer showed a picture that was the square rotated 90 degrees. I didn't know about degrees at the time, so I got the question wrong. I have since been haunted by the thought that if only I know what a degree was then I could have gone so much farther. I was doing math 6 grades ahead of me and the thought that has stuck the most is what I got wrong.

Now imagine if every time something like that happened, every time you choked on a test, every time you got in embarrassed by a 'friend', every time a parent or teacher got angry, they got added to a list of mess-ups. Then whenever you messed-up in the future everything on that list came flooding into your mind at once, leaving you so overwhelmed that you couldn't even make the simplest of decisions. Then that event is added to the list so next time you would remember that event also.

That is what has been happening to me ever since that test. The build up of guilt and shame got so worse that I wanted to die. I know that if someone commits suicide they receive no rewards in the next life. I didn't care. I just wanted this torment to end. The only form of relief I got was when I M. When I tried to stop I became incredibly depressed. The only reason that every time I M now I don't break down is because its has become the norm for me. I feel that that is somehow even worse. To be so desensitized that I no longer feel shame for what I am doing. At least before I know my 'moral compass' was pointing the right way. Now I feel like I can't even trust myself anymore.

This got a lot longer than I planned it to. Everything just sort of came pouring out. I hope I didn't sound like some rambling idiot.

some_guy wrote:


I love when that happens. I think it's a sign of recovery; mental detox.

Regarding the rest of your post, I'll just say that from my own experience, I have found that the more I accept myself for who I am and what I am, the more peace of mind I have.

I'm mediocre, and that's okay. I'm doing my best, and I did my best in the past. I'm not going to be the world's biggest talmid chacham, or be one of the top 10 wealthiest people alive. I've made mistakes, and that's part of being human and that's okay. I continue to make mistakes, and I always will.

When I plan out my day, if I don't take into account my tendency to waste time and get distracted, then I end up with an unrealistic plan for the day. I can't do better just because I plan to do better. One thing is for sure, with a plan I end up doing much better than without one. However, my plan has to be realistic for who I am and what I am TODAY.

With that, I keep improving. Setting my sights higher, little by little. I can't see the progress day by day, and sometimes I even seem to be going backwards. But, when I look back over the past two or three years, I see I am in a much better place today than I was then. And, I know that if I continue on the path I am on, in another couple of years I can look back and have the same feeling that things are getting better.

--Elyah

Beutiful post Elyah!

Hey Some_guy, it sounds like you have a bad case of perfectionism. I do too, although not as extreme.

you might want to click on the Dr Sorotzkin link in my signature. He has some really good stuff which helped me a lot.

Hi everybody. I have forgotten to post for a couple of days. That is probably because I have not been thinking about P or M at all! I don't know the exact date that started this streak, but I kind of like it that way. I feel like there is a lot less pressure to stay clean. Ironically, this helps me stay clean. I will be sure to post tomorrow.

some_guy wrote:


Sounds a bit like surrender. Glad to hear.

--Elyah

Hello everybody,
I had another great night and so for have had almost no desire to M! Before when people told me to surrender I did not understand what they meant. Now, I think I understand. When you surrender you don't surrender to the Yetzer Hara. You stop trying to fight it constantly and fight only when you need to. That way you are more relaxed when you don't have to fight. Did I get that right or am I missing the point.

Also, I have a small problem. When ever I go to other peoples' topics I can never bring myself to post. I feel that because I can't stay clean for that long, I should not talk to others. I am afraid that they may become worse if I contact them. I know this is stupid, but when ever I try to post it just charges into my mind. What should I do.

--some_guy/Elias/Eliyahu

some_guy wrote:

Don't think, just post.

You are so right, Elias. It's a stupid thought.

I have lots of stupid thoughts. So? It's just a thought, probably based on a feeling, and all of them are untrustworthy. So I do not believe my feelings and thoughts half the time.

You do not need to, either.

Keep on trucking.

Today was not as great as before. I kept on thinking about M and P. I thought I would fall so many times, but I didn't! At the end of the day, I made it! Now I am going to post on some other topic!
-- some_guy/Elias/Eliyahu

Incredible! Keep it up!

Great!

--Elyah

Can you learn to think about some other things than 'M' and 'P'? This comes as a shock to most of us porners and masturbaters, but: you and your penis are not really that important a part of this universe - and they are not even that big a part of your life, really. Please think abou tthis - if you are anything like me, you probably tend to believe that reality revolves around you, whether you get your porn or not, and your 'winning' of the battle of having sex with yourself or not.

Gevalt. There is a whole world out there! And somewhere out there is this thing called 'Hashem's Will' - the life He is making for you. It's not in your head and not in your pants - it is in your relationships with other people and what you do for them.

And furthermore, the things you do for Hashem and others are a much bigger part of your life than what you don't do.

We spoke about this: get involved with things outside yourself more and more, chaver.

I love you! Hatzlocha!

I fell yesterday. I don't really want to talk about it.

some_guy wrote:

Who does?

some_guy wrote:


So why are you telling us? ;-)