Cumulative Stats
Current Streak: 6 wins
Total Wins: 120 days
Total Losses: 14 days
Winning Percentage: 89.55%

Today's positive action towards recovery:
Verbally reviewed motivations for quitting

have a great week everyone

I agree with every one of your points. Unfortunately I am also dealing with pain and frustration on a regular basis, so I can relate. I am working daily on not being resentful, on trying to find serenity and Bitachon, and having to work on my middos, which continue to need a lot of work. 

That said, growth is a slow, multi stepped, ongoing process, and I think it’s good to acknowledge that. 

If theres a guy who used to turn to porn almost every time he felt discomfort and the urge to escape, and today he didn’t, even if he lashed out, it’s worthwhile, in my thinking, for him to stop and give thanks that he’s achieved that much growth, and to take strength and encouragement to keep working to get to the next level.

It’s not ok to lash out; anger and resentment are ugly. But making yourself into a full mentch, with the help of Hashem, is a long project. One day, one step at a time. 

Here’s a warm hand, from a fellow trudger-in-the-trenches

CO

Day 53 posting… day 2 clean…

altehmirrer wrote on 14 May 2025 02:06:

Here's the update, i tried calling them to block my number, they wouldn't do it for me...., plus there are to many services...., but what i did do is set my phone to a option that i can only make outgoing calls to my contacts, and someone else has the code (@minhamayim your the best best best!!!, I am so honored to call you my friend) to be able to switch that, i hope this works out well!! it feels good to do this, it is inconvenient not to be able to make random calls, but it's a price well worth it, {i have a house phone if you know what that is } (p.s. i think with smart phones there are more options to be able to block these numbers, at least according to chatgpt).

Hatzlocha raba to us all!!

chaimoigen wrote on 14 May 2025 13:18:

Reb chaim! I hope all is swell,
just to give a little clarity on my observation in the convo with the great and ever heilig choosurname.
Granted if you have a rough day and you don't act out that is growth, but... it is growth in not using lust to deal with your discomfort. If you are still turning to frustration and anger and especially when its in a way which can lead back to a life of porn (such as fighting with the rebbetzin which will deteriorate the relationship) there is definitely work that needs to be done and, as he pointed out so nicely, it won't happen by itself.
Yes a large part of the struggle is learning to live through life's ups and downs and not use porn to numb ourselves to the pain and discomfort of life. but another large area of recovery is to work on ourselves to not feel the overburdening frustration and anger which can need to be numbed, whether by venting it in a destructive tirade or by binging porn.
If life is going to be full of pain and discomfort it will be near impossible to stay clean long term, that is why it is crucial to address these issues and not just hope that you stay clean from porn for another day while turning to another drug, anger and lashing out.
I apologize that this isn't my usual post of sunshine and rainbows, I've been dealing with this struggle for a couple of years since I gained sobriety (even though I fell a few times I still view it as being sober from lust for almost 2 years since I wasn't really back in the cycle), and have come to recognize the importance of working on myself in order to live a happy and accomplished life. If you don't have this struggle, praise hashem.
Hatzlachah!

Hey man, checking in, post don't give up and reach out if you want.
Hatzlacha!

60 Days Clean!

2/3 of the journey is now complete! Now begins the home stretch to 90!

See you there!!!

Every once and a while I'll post
making friends who share in the struggle is a tremendous step to recovery. Right now I have several guys who I call on a weekly basis and it deffinitely helps when I'm struggling before or after a fall that I have someone who I am totally comfortable calling. 
It took me a while to get to here but it's worth the effort, get numbers reach out and be persistent. Remember: you are responsible for your recovery, if you want to have people to reach out to and who reach out to you, you need to make the calls.
Hatzlachah!

Apparently it is a good time
I was thinking more about the choice theory that I posted about around pesach time. I think that for some things it makes sense to keep the sense of choice (which is a sense of being a person with free will, also known as a mentsch and a tzelem elokhim) but for some things which are completely destructive it would be wise to make the decision now to give it up and make it so it is inaccessible.
So for movies and other things which waste time and have a lot of bad things about them but aren't literal poison I want to be using choice theory, while for porn I want to decide not to have access to it anymore. 
It does get difficult when b'etzem there is access but my wife has the password, this creates a resentment, since it's within reach but being held back. I think it would be better if we got rid of the smartphone completely (even though there are things I use it for which are good) and thereby get around this current road block.

I had a thought during the rosh hayeshivas shmuz today, I was feeling very uncomfortable that I spend upwards of 4 hours everyweek working on myself and talking to others in order to overcome this battle. I feel like I'm not in yeshiva for those times and feel less like a bnei yeshiva. Meaning that I've lost the sense that being in yeshiva and focusing on torah and avodas hashem is my main goal, I've supplemented it with the goal of becoming healthier and more emotionally stable and not chasing lust all the time as a means to live. My rosh hayeshivah was speaking about how we can come to a point of realizing that our connections to others and working bein adam l'chaveiroh is an avodas hashem and they are not mutually exclusive, when I'm doing one I'm not doing the other rather when I'm involved in bein adam l'chaveiroh I'm involved in avodas hashem. I realized that I cna apply this to my situation as well, it's not 2 different focuses in life, working on addiction and separately learning torah and doing mitzvos. rather working on this struggle, spending the countless hours in meetings and in therapy and journaling, that is my avodas hashem right now just as much if not more than sitting and knaking on a rashba.
I'm trying to imagine, if I had the opportunity to learn 1 on 1 with the rosh kollel, some inyanei kedushah, whatever it would be. But it would come out of seder time. I wouldn't feel like my life is split between being in seder and learning with the rosh kollel! I would feel like I'm spending my entire day focused on 1 thing, growing in torah and ruchniyus!
So too now, in my life, I spend my whole day growing in torah and ruchniyus. Maybe it looks different than other people, but the reason I'm going to therapy and going to meetings is in order to become the best person I can be so that I can serve hashem fully.
I'm hoping to try and focus on this idea more and be more compassionate to myself in the coming week.
I still have a lot to work on but B"H I'm getting a better and better view of the silver lining to be reached.
Keep on fighting everyone!

I’m pretty poor myself hahaha. I like your first message of peace. I hope many good things happen to you . It’s nice to meet a righteous person like yourself.

I’m on your side!!! I hope you feel good, get riches, and happiness at some point. Good luck my friend!!!

It is pleasing to hear good news. May you see lots of blessings, I hope .

May you find help in your life. I am here for you!!!

Hey forum. I hope the forum people are well. It is a hard journey. I’ll say somethings you benefit from when you succeed. The scripture says benefits: redemption, extending life, the world is forgiven, healing to the whole world. Even if you don’t care about yourself, the tremendously healing and blessing it brings for me is worth it hahahaha. More benefits: It’s as if you did a favor for god, wisdom and tremendous blessing. If you want to know the sources I can tell you . Have the best day!!!

I think biggest trigger that led to this was not feeling well this morning and had hectic kind of morning that wasn’t so focused more like flying from one thing to the next. Not sure how to avoid that though. That’s the reality of life. Sometimes things are hectic and flying