checking in.
Had an ok day today. Went to a meeting in the morning which was nice, but at the end I was talking to someone and I started to feel very pressured, the feelings I was getting was "if you aren't always going to meetings as much as possible, you're not serious about the program and don't really belong here." I was told before I joined SA that some people there felt this way and I would get these pressures, and it was hard to deal with it. 
Then when I got to morning seder my chavrusah wasn't being so nice which made me feel even more unstable. B"H I took some time for myself and went through my mental exercises, getting in touch with myself and why I felt so crummy and then having compassion for myself.
The bottom line is I'm responsible for my own recovery (which is super important for everyone to realize!) and others can give me advice and guidance based on what worked for them and what they saw worked for others, at the end of the day I know myself the best and have to choose what I'm going to do to keep growing. Also I know that even if I'm not ready to work the steps seriously I'm still welcome by the meetings because I "have a desire to stop lusting" which is the only thing needed for membership. this fellow I was talking to is also very sweet and calm and I know he didn't mean to give off those vibes.
My plan is to spend some time doing self therapy tomorrow morning, getting in touch with those feelings of being judged and pressured to do something I don't think is good for me. I also plan on calling this fellow tomorrow to discuss my feelings and how I want to move forward.
Meanwhile some of the suggestions he gave I am going to try for a week and see if I can keep up with them:
1) start writing a history (this is not suggested for everyone, it's in order to better understand why I need help and cannot just rely on myself to recover).
2) reach out to 2 people every day, not just a text but a phone call
3) read recovery material for 5 minutes 3 times a week
4) have a check in with an accountability partner/mentor twice a week
Here's to hoping for a nice peaceful and clean week, Hatzlacha everyone!

Day 1-2

Better day bH. First few days after can sometimes be easiest because more scared of tech but then at certain point feel safe like I’m over it… . 

Thank you @kavey and to some other Tzaddikim here who have been in touch with me via PM... There is no doubt that this safe space – where I can express myself anonymously and without feeling judged – is the sole reason I have not gone back to the very dark place I was in...

Although I am still feeling weakened by what I did a couple of weeks ago, I have managed to stop myself from falling further and have regained control of my life. I'm 10 days clean and feeling a lot stronger.

I am trying to work on מידת האמת, understanding that no matter what I have been told, no matter how I was bought up, no matter how disillusioned I may be, no matter how put off Yiddishkeit I am, no matter how frustrated I am etc - the Torah is אמת and applicable in every circumstance and situation. My נפש will only be content and calm when I live with that pure אמת (no double faced life).

At the same time I am trying to work on creating an enjoyable, pleasant Yiddishkeit (within the Halachah framework of course), cutting out all of the pressure and guilt, which will help me feel the חירות (freedom) of being a Yid.

These mirrers stop at nothing!!!!!

Haveing a huge HUGE urge allready for few days off and on type(granted it's my fault that I started the trigger.. but facts on ground is that I'm here). Bh definitely see I made progress as I'm still clean( by the skin of my teeth) and was managing to keep myself at bay , but think by now I'm gonna crack.
    hashem hear my plea 
 Stay with me , and give me the siyata dishmayah to continue growing as a person and to discover my true inner self and not lose myself in doing that.

sorry this is a bit incoherent. Basically what i'm saying is THIS IS IT  -we need to fix this from where we are. Anyway have a brilliant evening.

Checking in.

Life goes on.

Glad to still be clean. Unglad to be stressed, but you can't have everything.

Tough to remember why/how to keep my eyes to myself on the streets, but the battle isn't lost.

So it goes. 

New vaad starting soon. Now is a great time to join! Hit the link in the signature and get on board.

If you've previously joined a vaad and didn't stick to it 1) hop back on anytime, you don't need to be re-approved, and 2) please reach out and let us know what wasn't clicking so we can optimize the product.

If you're looking for a way to give back / be of service / earn oodles of Eden, joining a vaad as a leader/gabbai is extremely helpful and not very difficult (some minimum amount of clean time is required, pm PY or me for details).

I recently had the immense privilege of meeting one of you in person. My frosty exterior hid my heart that was simultaneously overflowing with warmth and really insecure... What a blessing it is to not be alone in this fight.

Alot of emotional turmoil lately. Progress feels very slow. Deep down I know things are moving. Real things. 
Patience.
Hashem please help me be patient.

Day 9:

adventurousjellyfish wrote on 18 May 2025 01:51:

To us all, may it be His will.

May it be your will, Eternal One, that all the single men and women of your people Israel may find their soul mate, their partner to fulfill Your will.

R' upanddown we care about you are davening for you and want to hear how you're doing.

And this is why we're blessed to have CO trudging with us

Bh thanks to my conversation with HHM shabbos was a breeze. Im holding 30 days since ive watched P and 15 days from M. 
Today im feeling under the weather hope it doesnt affect my mood... 

Day 54 posting… Day 3 clean… last night was a miracle. Thought for sure it would end badly but bh I held back. 

One last but very helpful tool that can be very helpful even to non-addicts and we will post before beginning The 18 Wheeler comes from Steps 10 and 11 in The Big Book.

Again, If you are a real addict this will only take you so far and you need to get to meetings ASAP!

My sponsor had me reading the posted attachments every day from day one. He had me do this for two weeks to get into a routine before even beginning Step 1. I still do this to this day (although I can't say I never miss).

My sponsor told me to try to put into practice what is written in these pages. The point is spiritual progress not perfection, as these steps were written for someone who has already completed 1-9. The point is to get on the road towards the ideals written in these pages.

Specifically, I was told to do morning and night meditations. To me the morning meditation is crucial and the days that I do it are light years better than the days that I don't. Anyone can do their own version, but I will post what works for me (although I do it slightly differently each day):

• For me, a good meditation takes about 15-20 minutes.
• I start by breathing deeply for a minute or 2 to get myself into the meditation mode.
• Then I daven and speak to Hashem for a solid few minutes.
• I say my own Jewish version of the Serenity Prayer* and the Third Step Prayer** including the first pasuk of Shema.
• Then I tell Hashem about the fact that I am powerless over lust, how my life has become unmanageable, the fact that I am insane, that I cannot help myself or control my own mind, and how only he can help me.
• I ask Hashem to grant me Menuchos Hanefesh, sanity, and sobriety for today.
• I then list some of my defects of character, bad middos, and shortcomings.
• I ask Hashem to remove them from me and free me of them.
• I ask Hashem to return me to his Torah, to learn lishmah and not for my ego, and to be able to serve him in the best way possible.
• I ask him to make my entire life about serving him, helping people and doing the right thing.
• I ask Hashem to give all of the above to everyone who is suffering from addictive acting out.
• Then I prepare to make a list on my phone of what I need to do that day.
• Before I begin, I ask Hashem to remove from me selfish and dishonest thinking.
• I then make a realistic list of what I have to do that day.
• On top of the list I date it and leave a space to mark down how long I spent that day on the following 3 things: My morning meditation, how long I spent that day on Step Work, and how long I spent on SA (including everything- meetings, phone calls, listening to SA talks ect.)
• making my bed is on the list, as being neat and organized helps me stay sober.
• I then ask Hashem to show me all throughout the day what my next step is and to give me whatever I need to take care of all problems.
• I then spend a few minutes davening for a few specific people who I feel I have harmed in the past.
• I close with the Serenity Prayer.

As I go through my day, I check things off the list; when something new comes up to do I add it to the list. Many times, when I am a bit bored or feel like the only thing there is to do is go act out, all that is necessary is for me to take a look at my list and do whatever is still left to do. Many times, we act out because we are procrastinating on accomplishing useful things, having a list breaks the power that has over us. Most days I do not finish everything on my list and that's OK.


It works like magic, try it.


Other things to use in meditations:

• Gratitudes- Thank Hashem for good things in your life.
• Fears- List things you are afraid of and ask Hashem to remove those fears.
• Acceptance- Accept life on life's terms, accept everything about the situation you currently are in.
• Think about the fact that Hashem controls everything about you and the world around you, verbalize it.
• Think about where you can help others and be of sevice to them.
• Think about the fact that Hashem loves you and wants you to succeed more than you yourself want to succeed.
• Think about the fact that Hashem can and will take you out of this mess if you turn to him properly and let him into your life by really working the steps.
• Just sit and be aware of Hashem's presents here right now and in your life in general.
• Be creative and add more of your own meditations.

What is meditation? In the 1930s, when The Big Book was written, the term meditation did not mean sitting doing breathing exercises. While deep breathing is a very helpful and useful tool for calming anxiety and relaxing the mind & body, when Step 11 speaks about using meditation to increase our constant contact with G-d it did not mean deep breathing exercises. Deep breathing may be a good way to start a meditation as it gets us into the meditative mode and spirit, but is not the main part of meditations. Meditation means to calmly ponder, think, and/or be aware. The word think can be dangerous because obssesive thinking is very common among addicts. Obssesive and overthinking about Hashem is not meditation and not helpful to recovery. We will not ever be perfect, and it takes some time to get used to doing a proper meditation. We must always be patient with ourselves.

*The Serenity Prayer: "G-d, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Thy will not mine be done."
I usually say "Ribono Shel Olam" as that is how I refer to Hashem. I also say "your will not mine be done" as I don't speak 1930s Latin!

**The Third Step Prayer is found in the attachments of the previous post (about Step 3). Again switch up the wording to whatever you are comfortable with.
I would like to explain my using the first pasuk of shema for my 3rd step. When being yotzei the mitzvah and chiyuv of shema we are being mekabel Ol Malchus Shamayim to run every aspect of our lives according to Hashem's will.
However, when I use shema in my third step I am thinking about the fact that Hashem is in control and not me. I don't control the world, myself, my mind or anything else. I can only do what is in my bechira and even then without Hashem helping me I'm toasted and will probably lose. Shema says Hashem Echad, Hashem is in full control, not me and I better stop playing G-d or I will end up acting out again.
The two ways of understanding shema are not a stirah and they are both true.