Eye.nonymous wrote on 06 Sep 2012 17:02:
A separate point that I wanted to mention is that I am very confused right now about lust in marriage. For a while at the end of my previous long clean streak (1 year 2 months) I had been getting a feeling like, "How much am I really sober and how much am I just holding out to satisfy my lust with my wife?"
So, a few nights ago we definitely weren't going to be having marital intimacy for certain reasons. I was really disappointed and angry about it, though I was trying to accept it. Still, I had this feeling, "well, I'm going to try to get SOMETHING, after all." We got a little bit, shall I say, involved, and this lead to z"l--but I was surprised, as we weren't really doing anything THAT involved. So, on one hand, my wife was involved--this wasn't p*rn or m*sturbation and it was a bit unexpected, on the other hand, my intention was definitly not pure.
I am inclined to call this a fall, but I don't know if that would be being extreme. On the other hand, I don't want to go too easy on myself either. So, any thoughts on the matter would be greatly appreciated.
--Elyah
In general, intentional hotzas zera livatala is considered a fall if there was an orgasm, regardless of how it happened.
If it wasn't fully intentional or there wasn't an orgasm, efshar lehakel

Regarding lust in marriage and bedroom life in general, I uploaded a shiur specially for you - which you can listen to with your wife.
www.guardyoureyes.org/forum/index.php?topic=5652.0 (FOR MARRIED GUYS ONLY)