I just wrote out the whole start of my Second Step and it all got lost  so here goes again:

I was having a hard time getting started on the second step until this Shabbos when I learned through the Sefer Hachinuch on the mitzvah of Achdus Hashem.  One of my Rabbeim always says that we think we are all fine with respect to this mitzvah.  But in reality we are not.  One example.  The Chovos Halevovos in Shar Yichud Hamasheh (Perek Daled) discusses the maalos an ovied Avodah Zara has over the machnif (one who does mitzvos to impress people).  He says that the idolator has but one god whereas the machnif has no limit to the number of gods that he has.  So in essence the assignment given to us by Dov is not only necessary for my recovery (which should be reason enough to do it) but for my Yiddishkeit as well.  As the Chinuch notes the mitzvah of Achdus Hashem is a mitzvah that is upon us every minute of our lives and all other mitzvos are dependent on it.

So here goes:

I would say that I definitely make lust into a god.  I am willing to alter my lifestyle, my core values and my daily routine if it will allow me to get lust.  This is not limited to looking at porn but even in my relationship with my wife.  It is scary what I would do if I think that it would get my wife to have sex with me.

I suppose at some level the same can be said for money or the desire to acheive financial security.  Although truth be told.  I think my desire for lust is stronger than my desire for money.  I will permit laziness to get in the way of my desire for money and financial security.  I think my desire for lust is stronger than my trait of laziness.

Honor and self-respect are a strong god for me.  As a result I have a very hard time pursuing even my lust in public.  That has prevented me from going to strip club or the like and has essentially kept my addiction private.  I think that honor is also one of the drives behind my lust addiction.  Since my addiction is driven by a desire for knowledge.  And I think that is rooted in the fact that the more knowledge I have the smarter I will be and therefore at some level it would me more Kovod.  I get a certain satisfaction in speaking in public because I'm good at it and people complement me.  I get the same satisfaction when I'll write a letter to the editor and it gets published.  Even if I do it anonymously the fact that my family knew itself puts me on a high.

There is also a certain voyeuristic sense to my lust.  I like to get to know people's lives.  For example, if I get for work purposes a person hard drive I will go through it and try to get a sense of who the person is.  For the same reason, I perfer amatuer porn because it feels more real and more like I'm getting to know the person.  It doesn't matter that I have no clue who the person is and that I would never meet them.

I also enjoy the thrill itself in finding porn in creative ways.  The same was true for my facebook addiction.  I would friend people just to be able to get a glimpse into their lives.  It makes no difference that I had no idea who these people were and I hoped to never meet them.

Last week the thought occurred to me that I try to make myself into a god.  That is I will make deals with G-d such as if you give my wife desire for me I won't look at porn.  As if C"V I could control Hashem.

I'm note sure if this all makes sense.  If its what we are supposed to be doing.  But I had to start somewhere.

After today's call I think I got a little clarity in what Dov was trying to get at.  The question we should be answering is what needs are we looking to lust to fill, as opposed to having our higher power, i.e., Hashem fulfill?  Whatever those answers are, in essence we are making Lust or whatever else we are looking to satify those needs into gods, in the sense we are worshiping them to satify our needs, instead of worshipping Hashem to satisfy our need.  So while most of know that we make Lust, Money and Kovod into gods.  The question that we're looking to answer here is to what end are we making those into gods.  What do we think they will give us.

As for myself.  I find it very difficult to answer why I turned to lust when I was a teenager.  It was just too long ago.  I'm guessing that it was probably a need for companionship.  My parents used to travel alot.  I'm not such an outgoing guy.  Lust occupied my time and gave me a feeling that I was doing something through the excitement that it brought on.  In essence that is why I still turn to lust.  I look to lust to fulfill a desire for attention and appreciation.  I want my to be noticed and appreciated first and foremost by my wife and thereafter by everyone else.  When I don't get it I turn to lust.  The silly thing is that looking there is no connection between the porn and the need I'm looking to fulfill.  Meaning since I don't generally interact with others when I'm acting out.  There is no way that porn or the like could even answer my needs.  It occurs to me that this may be why the creative search for porn is part of the excitement  to me.  It provides my with a sort of interaction with myself.  In essence I'm saying to myself:  Look your good, look how you were able to find this or that.  And I'm using that fulfill my need for attention.

The more difficult area is when I lust after my wife to satisfy that need.  There it is very hard to recognize that her submission to my desires will not bring me fulfillment.

The other need that I look to lust to fulfull is as an escape from reality.  When I feeling stressed out from financial burdens or otherwise.  I have used lust to smooth me.  While here at least one can envision a scenario where lust will help.  It doesn't since it usually just brings on more depression because it creates an notion of expectation and need which then always remain unfulfilled.

The bottom line is.  I know deep down that the only one that can fulfill my needs is Hashem either by causing others to satisfy my wants or needs or by taking away the cause for the want and need itself.

I am still not seeing the clarity in this excersize for a few reasons.

We are supposed to figure out what we want/need (is there a difference? which are we supposed to use?) in our Higher Power. I know that I shouldn't b questioning the program. I have come to terms with that and dont care why or how it works. I do, however, question this excersize (which is not an official part of the program). Why is it important for me to figure what I need in a God. My whole life I have ben told what God is and to live life accordingly. All of a sudden I am told that I get to decide what it is that I want to serve. Who am I? God is what He is. He is not what I choose Him to be.

Another issue I have is ok lets say I can choose what God is, I dont want in God what I find in lust. What I get from lust is a self-centered physical pleasure. None of which I want from God. What I ultimately want is to realize that I really dont want that. I want to become a person who relies on God and for it to be a giving and non physical relationship with Him. How do I deal with that?

yiddle, god is capable of anything, right? like the manna which was capable of tasting like anything. so pretend youre about to eat some manna. you are asked to pick what you want it to taste like. same here. god is kol yachol. now what do you need him to taste like?

So am I supposed to 'make' God what I want Him to "taste" like or what I need Him to taste like?

I'd like a medium t-bone steak but all I need is bread and water...

Also, what I look for in lust, I dont want to find in God. I dont want the self-centered physical pleasure that I find in lust. I want to be able to have a normally anxiety-filled situation and look inside myself and say "well its up to God so i am going to leave the worrying to Him".

Yiddle2 wrote on 26 Jul 2010 01:42:

The point is you're looking to lust to fill a need.  In that sense you are making lust you're god.  Were you not making lust you're god when you had that need you would turn to Hashem.  The point of the exercise is to show you precisely that. 
Because Hashem is your higher power and he is kol yachol, he can fill that need for you, by giving you self-centered pleasure or by removing the situation that is causing the anxiety in the first place.  Either way God has the ability to take care of the situation.  So next time when you get into a situation that in the past caused you to turn to lust, don't because you know from your first step that if you do it will make you're life unmanagable and you know from the second step that Hashem can get you out of the problem.

In thinking about the third step here is one of my issues.  I'm having a hard time making conversation with G-d.  I get the feeling that all I'm doing is asking Him for more and more favors. Now in a sense its humbling since you recognize that all your needs are dependent on Him but at the same time I feel like, you're talking to Hashem and this is what you're asking Him for.  Can't you ask for something meaningful.  Have more thoughts on the subject but I got to go now.

Dov, thanks as usual for the guidance on the call, i.e., to focus our tefillos on others and with respect to ourselves to just daven that Hashem give us what we need to do His will.  One nuance that I don't believe wasn't discussed with respect to our own tefillos (maybe because its obvious but something worth reminding at least myself) is that there presumably is a difference between asking Hashem for "stuff" which we really may or not need (even if we want them) and asking him to save us from situations that will result in violating His will.  This latter category of tefillah I imagine is to be encouraged.  Indeed, sometimes Hashem sends us certain nisyanos just so that we should daven to Him to save us from them.  If we take the initiative in davening to be saved from them first, we can avoid the need for Hashem sending us the nisyaon in the first place.

Now, on the topic of talking to Hashem, I have to tell you all something uplifting that happened to me this morning.  I think I've heard it being referred to as an A&W moment, which I think stands for an Awe and Wonder moment.  I went to learn this morning before davening and there was someone there that had a horrible cough.  It was non-stop, the type that you wanted to tell the guy maybe you should leave, try a drink, cover your mouth, etc.  My chavrusa and I were having a hard time concentrating because it was so disruptive.  I was particularly troubled since he was sitting at the table where I usually sit for davening.  After seder was over I happily sat in someone else's seat at a different table who didn't show up.  So I'm about to start davening and I said to myself what should my reaction be to this situation.  I recalled yesterday's conversation and I said a small tefilla to myself to the effect of Ribono Shel Olam please help that individual there stop coughing.  In middle of davening I realized that the person had not coughed once the whole davening.  And it continued throughout the whole davening even when others around him starting coughing (that is notwithstanding the yawning effect).  I just smiled to myself thinking this is clearly a sign from Shomayim as to where I need to be focusing my tefillos.

Beautiful story.

Now I will ruin it with this joke:

A fellow was.....oh, never mind.


Nice story. That's all.

Today's call was good (as usual - thanks Dov).  If nothing else its nice to know that I'm not the only grown man who has a fear of going into a dark basement alone.

Dov's eitzah (a gratitude list) of how to deal with the feeling of letdown and sleeplessness when, for example, you think you're wife is in the mood and you think you're going to have sex that night and then it doesn't happen.  It's very easy to say that if it's Hashem's will that I shouldn't have sex that night then obviously its not what's best for me at that particular moment, it's another thing to actually believe it and the be comforted by that thought.  I will try the gratitude list and see how that works.

Finally, the explanation that giving over my will to Hashem means, that I am not going to believe that I am in control and that if I don't take charge of a situation than it won't happen, and that this extends to such simple things like missing a light, brought a little more clarity to me.  The truth is this past week, I've been trying to implement on my commute to work something along these lines.  Rather than constantly running to make the bus (which runs on a erratic schedule) I've taken to walking clamly with the tefila "Ribbono Shel Olam if my making the bus right now will bring about kvod shomayim please let me make it."  I find that it's less anxiety producing (and generally I've been pretty good at catching a bus shortly after I arrive).  I developed this tefilla before hearing the giving over my will explanation, based on last week's discussion that tefillos for ourselves should generally not be directing G-d to do things, since who knows (other than Him) what's really best for us.  I figured that bringing about kvod shomayim is certainly good for us and He will know whether this particular task will do it.  Based on today's discussion, I see that the essence of such an approach is that we are giving over our will to Hashem.  Hashem knows what the best outcome for us, and if something that we perceive we would want to happen doesn't happen we should understand that it is His will that it shouldn't happen.

Now off to the not simple task of actually living with this frame of mind.

Thanks for making it so clear, I will try it, together with you and the rest of anshei shlomeinu.

In light of Dov's recent suggestion concerning a gratitude I was particularly happy to learn today a Rashi in Megillah (18a).  The gemara is explaining why birchas cohanim comes after modim and not immediately after the brocha of avodah.  The gemara answers that logically the brocha of modim goes together with the brocha of avodah since they are "one" which Rashi explains that modim or gratitude is a form of avodah.  In other words, everytime we make a gratitude list we are in essence bringing a korban.
To give a little deeper meaning (this is my own pshat) the point of a korban was for the person to view himself as if the animal being slaughtered was himself. When we show gratitude we slaughter our "self" through the humility that comes from the recognition that we are dependent on others.

One of my reasons for writing this whole megillah is to thank Hashem for getting through today. As I explained to some nice GYE'er who checked on me today, in the past a day like today would be the perfect recipe for disaster. Not so busy at work, a wife who is acting stressed and kvetchy and probably not in the mood for me, a wedding which will just make me in the mood because my wife will be all dressed up.  Fortunately, I had the site and a network to keep me occupied during the day and a call that I hope to make tonight. Thank you Hashem.

Your thread is getting a little thread-bare. Hahahah..... :

That's because I'm having a hard time finding the time to sit and do the fourth step. I imagine its not going to be any easier once I sit down and do it easier. Hopefully before Sunday's call. Good Shabbos to all.

I finally sat down today while waiting for an oil change and started the step four chart. Wasn't as hard as I envisioned. But before I get to that I wanted to share what I guess was a step four moment I had this shabbos. I cam about 20 minutes late to shul. At exactly 8:30 the gabbai motions to the chazzan for pesukei dzimra to finish causing him to walk away even though he wasn't even up to nishmas. I felt myself getting all upset why do they have to be so yekkish. What's wrong with a more heartfelt psekui dzimra that takes 33 minutes. Then I caught myself and realized why are you getting so upset. He didn't do anything wrong. You're the one who came 20 minutes late. If you had come ontime you'd be finished and probably not concerned that they are starting borchu on time. Its your own selfish feelings that are causing you to be upset. The thought process helped and I did not get upset.