Heart Frozen Solid, Thawed Once More By The Spring Of Rage, Despair, And Hopelessness by David

Hi, I'm David and I am powerless over lust. I have been going to SA meetings for about 2 months or so. I have never really tried "working the steps" before.

I have struggled with this problem for a very long time. There were times when I tried to stop and other times when I felt resigned to continue acting out forever. As a result, I would see periods of sobiety, sometimes lasting a few months, only to be reduced to the same behaviors eventually.

When I get into a rut I tend to get numb to the whole situation and to life itself. I medicate with liberal applications of porn and lust until I've become completely frozen, like the February ground in Reno.

At some point, I don't exactly know what it is, I convince myself to try again. It is usually the total rage, despair and hopelessness that creeps through despite my best efforts to numb it with more porn. Well, here I am now. I saw that this group was starting up in a chizzuk email and decided i should try my hand. I look forward to recovery but am scared of the steps.

Pray for my soul and I will pray for yours.

Reb Never Believer, don't be afraid of the steps. Don't be afraid of self improvement. Whoever you are today, you'll be a better man for improving yourself. Have you ever felt good about yourself? I'm sure you have. Well, improving yourself gives you something to feel good about. That's certainly nothing to fear.

Hatzlocha rabbah.

Hey David,

Hope you are having a pleasant day! I'm just curious, why did you decided to join this virtual meeting when you have the ability to go to a real one?

Looking forward to get to know you better as we progress.

Praying for you...

Avraham.

There is.

Avraham, don't be afraid to share. I don't believe anyones story is as bad as mine. Or maybe there is a worse one out there. The point is, if I can share, anyone can. Also, remember that this is anonymous. At the end of the day, at least write it all out and share it privately. If you can't do that, at least write it all out, just for your own sake. Being honest with oneself is the place from where healing can begin.

As to the other matter, about pushing up daisies, we like you just fine here in the daylight. You will manage this thing, you'll cope and you'll live. Even if you don't believe this, what have you to lose? Take the steps to recovery, my friend. They will help you. Your perspective will change and your burden will lighten. Give yourself a chance. 

Hatzlocha rabbah.

dov wrote on 21 Jun 2010 19:16:


Phew.

What a RELIEF!!

Thank you Dov.

5, 6, 10 years old, whatever...it's done and the facts is the facts...just get it down and move right along.

Email it to whosoever thou wishest, or you can read/tell it to the group next Sunday (for about 30 min?) if that's OK with them, you can email it to a few of or all the guys here...but that may be a bit much for you or them - whatever you want is good. Real good.

Even without reading what you sent to Dov, from the few heartfelt sentences you just wrote here I think it comes across very clearly your admission that you are powerless over lust and that your life has become unamanageable as a result.  Which is what Step One is all about.  Sounds to me like you're certainly ready for Step Two.

The Never Believer wrote on 29 Jun 2010 21:58:


Just a suggestion to all what's everyones thought about circulating our first name and our father's name.  I suppose that if there are gaboim that are members of the group they may figure out who some of us are.  But it just makes it easier to daven for Yitzchok ben Avrohm then "the never beleiver" (nothing personal just using you as an example since its your thread).

Dov Michael ben Rus

Thanks.

PS. You may like this. It's kind of relevant:

www.guardyoureyes.org/forum/index.php?topic=2699.msg72632#msg72632

You were an easy one. Everyone upstairs knows that tzadik Dov from GYE.

I am not a tzaddik, just another addict doing what I am told is necessary to remain sober today.

dov wrote on 02 Jul 2010 21:22:


Dov, sorry to be mean, but you just gave it away.
1) a tzadik will never agree that he is one 
2) a tzadik is simply someone who does what he is told is necessary to stay alive.
Question is, what does "staying alive" mean?
3) And that's where "not being a fool" come in. At the end of the day, a Tzadik is someone who isn't a fool.
And Dov is no fool.
Yehi Chelki Imo.

Ok Dov I sort of apologize for starting down this path. I will spare you the need to debate this (even though I'd win). Just going to leave it at Yehi Chelkaynu (the members of GYE) emchem (with that of you and Guard).

David I'm glad to hear you're sticking with us.  Continued Hatzlacha and thanks for the observations.

So true what Dov said. When we get into trouble the first thing we grab is our makom hamilah when we should be grabbing God!