==> Over what, exactly, am I powerless? Pornography and masturbation. OK, so I guess/think you mean "the desire for these things" and not the things themselves - Porn isn't making me do anything...it's in the internet or inside a magazine, for crying out loud. It has no power over anyone I know. We give it our power...now the shayloh the book is asking you is: How does that happen? What makes you open the magazine, click the icon, unzip whatever...in other words, "exactly what are you powerless over?"

Please bear with me before you punch me in the nose.

The guys who convince themselves that they are powerless over "porn" and over "masturbation" are, in my opinion, the same fellows who whine all summer long about the women dressing in a triggering manner, instead of looking at themselves and recognizing that "the problem isn't the women, it's me. My problem is that I am so prone to lusting (my brains out)."

Remember - this step is not about the solution and gives no answers or strategies, at all. It is about gaining clarity. Not clarity in THE problem, but in MY problem. Not in the reasons for my weakness, but in the facts of what I am so prone to that I have been doing it unstoppably for a decade or two, even though it makes me nuts. The solution is the rest of the steps, not here. And without clarity and recognition of the fact that LUST - my lust - makes living in a world with women, billboards, a wife, 19yo girls of my own/my brothers' and sisters-in-law...all that ...impossible. My Lust makes it impossible for me because I have no power to use and control it - nor do I have any reliability in "killing" it or "fighting" it. I suck at that, and fail, every time. I will keep acting out, and it will keep getting worse, or more frequent, or both.
So. What exactly are you powerless over?

==> I've done things while acting out on my addiction that I would never do when focusing on recovery. Watching pornography. (I admit that I may be totally off base with this and with anything else I am saying, but it is what comes to mind for me and I am really just sharing it with you to efshar help. I bear only the highest respect for you and if you do not believe that, too bad.) OK. How about the hiding, which is essentially lying to the others around you. They think you are a sweet, clean guy. It's g'neivas da'as. Have you had to lie about what you were doing or where you were going in order to support and protect your habit? Hey - you are not a liar, but a good man! (evidence: you are here working on this garbage!) Yet in our addiction we do all this crapola.

I do not in any way intend on increasing any guilt-factor with all this. It's totally different than that. I am only trying to open up the mirror for you and for myself, to see the whole me and the true extent of my problem.

==> How does my personality change when I'm acting out on my addiction? (For example: Do I become arrogant? Self-centered? Mean-tempered? Passive to the point where I can't protect myself? Manipulative? Whiny?) Not much, perhaps a bit self-centred.

==> Do I manipulate other people to maintain my addiction? How? Not applicable to me (still single).

==> Have I tried to quit using and found that I couldn't? Have I quit using on my own and found that my life was so painful without drugs that my abstinence didn't last very long? What were these times like? I kinda tried several times after Rosh Hashana / Yom Kippur but can’t really say that I ever tried seriously. I’m currently trying and it’s a struggle.They are also asking what it felt like and how you functioned during the times you were struggling with it on your own.

PS. I am currently on a bus trip back home - for at least another hour - and preShabbos trips like this drive me nuts, but it was unavoidable. There is a couple in the bus seat next over who are getting smoochy and if I look that way it will be bad for me and here I am sharing this with you because I do not possess the power needed to stay clear of the curiosity and looking. I ask Hashem, Please help me stay free of the desire to see what they are doing and help me be so happy with what it is that I am doing right now on GYE and with You. Help me appreciate the gift of this fantastic hour of recovery work, and help these young people be truly good to each other and succeed in all the precious departments of life. OK. back to the long slog of GYE!....(thanks)


==> How has my addiction caused me to hurt myself or others? My addiction caused me to focus on myself. I hurt myself by wasting time and perhaps my connection with hashem. I’ll be hurting other people if I don’t stop (my future wife and children). Gevalt. What you write sounds like you are not absolutely certain that lusting and being a prisoner of lust damages your relationship with Hashem. I see that being overwhelmed by lust and using this drug is saying in my heart that "I will go after lust wherever it leads me. I need this thing!!" Again, this has nothing whatsoever to do with right and wrong. It is all about the way I work, truly, and what's really going on in me when I am lohut achar images of women and after fantasy, and after orgasm feelings.
More later be"H

Unmanageability


==> What does unmanageability mean to me? At times, I feel like I’m living a double life which makes me feel worthless. I also believe that it was not my responsibility to take care of my addiction; it is my wife’s responsibility to satisfy my needs.

==> What trouble have I had at work or school because of my addiction? What trouble have I had with my family as a result of my addiction? I didn’t have trouble with my family but my addiction interfered with my productivity levels at school and at work.

==> Do I consider the needs of others? What effect has my lack of consideration had on my relationships? I’m not married yet N/A.

==> Do I accept responsibility for my life and my actions? Yes, I accept responsibility for my life and my actions.

Am I able to carry out my daily responsibilities without becoming overwhelmed? How has this affected my life? Depends on the “responsibilities’ but I can always do better and want to be more productive.

==> Do I fall apart the minute things don't go according to plan? How has this affected my life? No.

==> Do I treat every challenge as a personal insult? How has this affected my life? I don’t get the question.

==> Do I maintain a crisis mentality, responding to every situation with panic? How has this affected my life? No.

==> Do I ignore signs that something may be seriously wrong with my health or with my children, thinking things will work out somehow? Describe. Yes. I act out even though I date frum girls. I know that my actions are a betrayal of their trust but I act out anyway. I always rationalize my actions by thinking that things will work out after marriage.

==> Have I ever harmed someone as a result of my addiction? Describe. No but my addiction will hurt someone if I don’t resolve it.

==> Do I have temper tantrums or react to my feelings in other ways that lower my self-respect or sense of dignity? Describe. No.

==> Did I act out on my addiction to change or suppress my feelings? What was I trying to change or suppress? Yes. I usually act out when I’m under stress or when I have something important to do but don’t want to face it (i.e homework). Acting out is an escape from reality. It enables me to suppress my feelings of responsibility.

Surrender

==> Do I accept that I'll never regain control, even after a long period of abstinence? Not yet. I guess it’s a process.

==> Can I begin my recovery without a complete surrender? No.

==> Can I continue my recovery without complete surrender? No. I must surrender in order to recover. Living in denial is not a solution.

Spiritual principles

If I've been thinking about using or acting out on my addiction in some other way, have I shared it with my sponsor or told anyone else? I’ve shared it on the forum. I don’t have a sponsor.

==> Have I stayed in touch with the reality of my disease, no matter how long I've had freedom from active addiction? Yes.

==> In what ways am I practicing open-mindedness? I believe the members here that suggest that marriage won’t solve my problems. I also believe that there is a slippery slope and that if I continue, I can end up doing things in the future that seem impossible to me today. 

==> Am I willing to go to meetings regularly? Yes.

==> Am I willing to give recovery my best effort? In what ways? Yes. By reducing many of the triggers.

==> Do I believe that I'm a monster who has poisoned the whole world with my addiction? No.

Do I believe that my addiction is utterly inconsequential to the larger society around me? Or something in between? It can be consequential in the future but not currently.

==> Do I have a sense of my relative importance within my circle of family and friends? In society as whole? What is that sense? Yes. I’m a good son, brother, and friend and mean a lot to them.

==> How am I practicing the principle of humility in connection with this work on the First Step? I’m accepting my failures and I’m surrendering.

==> Have I made peace with the fact that I'm an addict? Yes.

==> Have I made peace with the things I'll have to do to stay clean? Yes.

==> How is acceptance of my disease necessary for my continued recovery? The only way for me to recover is to realize that I’m addicted. I won’t be able to work on the solution if I feel that I’m in control.

Hey Aaron4,

I hope you are doing well. There are several practical things that I do.

1) I make myself a list of priorities and force myself to stick to it. I used to be all over the place. I would start something but would then intentionally distract myself. I would look for something that needs to be done which is less annoying. I messed up on several assignments and therefore decided to start this habit. I don't allow myself to start a new thing until I finish the first thing on my list.

2) When I started to work on this problem, I used to log all my daily activities in detail and would give it to my brother. P & M were logged as "wasting computer time". I was at first embarrassed from myself but eventually my bro really gave it to me (we are really close) and he got on top of it. This only works if you are comfortable with criticism (it can make things worse for some people).

3) I strongly believe that if I get my P & M under control it will help as well. It's not that I spend so much time doing it but it is the lack of self discipline that is so destructive for me. The urge for sex is obviously so much stronger so I'm making a kal vchomer  .

4) As I wrote above, I read the enneagram  once on a flight and I really got hooked. I find it to be extremely accurate and it enables me to catch myself in the act of a typical negative pattern that someone like me is prone to do. Generally speaking my personality type has a problem with dealing directly with issues (for example, will have a very difficult time saying "no"). It explains why etc. and it is so accurate that it is almost scary. I was also able to better understand the needs and insecurities of  myself and others because of it.

5) I started using K9s internet block. You can set it to block all internet access for x amount of time. Getting a notice of a new email or checking GYE can be a major distraction.

6) Dov was saying that "Sometimes procrastination and laziness are just avoidance behavior and I discover that I have a problem with Fear, resentment, or some other mishega'as that motivates me to avoid". and this is certainly true. Dov, you were michaven to the enneagram.

These things worked for me. I'm far from perfect and it will probably be my nisayon for life. I always say that even though it is difficult, I have to be thankful that my life is in order, and that it is doable. Many people have nisyonot that are much more difficult and potentially destructive (like jealousy, anger, greed, stinginess etc). We all have our own nisyonot and that is what we are here for (I'm talking to myself).

Anyway, I hope that this helps. If you have any questions or would like to discuss it, don't hesitate to contact me.

Good shabbos.