EscapeArtist wrote on 03 Mar 2019 04:40:
I was chatting with a fellow on GYE, a Tzaddik valiantly battling a very tough יצר הרע. As he seemed to be struggling more than average, I sent him the SA 20 questions to help him decide if he needs that route. He insisted that's not him, and then mentioned how tough it must be for me to hear that he can just have his "fun" when he decides to, but that it doesn't "control" him, as it does an addict like myself...Whoa whoa whoa.Listen צדיק, I respect your decision that you can take care of yourself; I hope & daven that you'll be okay. But please, don't go feeling bad for ME that I'm an addict who needs SA...
I'm in a place where I can really believe that I have an illness, & I'm not just a weakling who can't control his תאוות.
I'm in a place where there is a proven מהלך to help me through my struggles.
I'm in a place where I am making some of the closest friends I've had in my whole life. True friends I can share my darkest secrets with, who understand me, never judge me, & are there for me in my time of need.
I'm in a place where I can meet people I look up to & respect, people who live with such serenity & faith in הקב"ה. People who had similar struggles to mine & overcame it.
אחרון אחרון חביב, I'm in a place which promotes (for me at least) קירבת אלקים. As a frum yid I've always tried feeling a קשר to Hashem, but more often (-way more often) than not, my insane craving for lust got in the way. This is a place where I'm actually utilizing my illness to force me to come closer to the Eibishter. This is not סתם a מוסר סדר. For me, it really feels like a matter of life & death, I'm working with a חבורה, w/ a very systematic approach, & I have my own personal משפיע I speak with almost daily. My greatest weakness is becoming my greatest asset...
I really feel this way. I was trying to figure out why my first-step work wasn't making me feel lousy, rather it gave me kind of a proud feeling. It's not that I'm proud of what I did; it's that I'm proud I belong. The greatest feeling was when my sponsor finished reading my inventory & said "yep. you definitely belong here!".
So don't feel bad for me. I'm happier & stronger than I've ever been, & I beg Hashem to continue helping me & all of us with our struggles!
It was encouraging to read this positive perspective. Right now I'm not feeling it, even though I'm going to my first meeting one of these days. Maybe it will change after that.