When I look at myself in the mirror (yes thats something I can do these days) I no longer feel repulsed by what I see, I no longer see a guy with potential thats just wasting his life or doing so much damage to his friends and family that he cant bear to feel. I now see a guy that tries his hardest, works on changing himself on a daily basis. For the first time I look at myself and say “you may not be perfect BUT your trying, even if I fall its just so I am get up and carry on.”
I can now Feel. Until now feelings were too painful to deal with, so my addiction came about to get rid of them , or to soften them at least. By dulling the bad feelings I was also dulling the good feelings. I now wake up feeling happy for no reason other than feeling accomplished . There used to be these bouts of depression or anger that I could not explain which in itself made me feel different or weird . I could not explain it because I didn't know how to. Also now I have learnt to process negative feelings and accept it as I accept the positive feelings
Never could I ever connect to people weather it was because I felt different or because I never worthy enough to let myself have friends but ever since I have become sober , I don't fear the closeness of people , I am not scared of coming out my box, doing stuff that might make me vulnerable around those I used to seek their approval .
Every woman is not a sexual fantasy anymore, they are now not objects which I masturbate to, which in turn means I can actually talk to a girl without it being awkward, since they are people just like me.
Life is now bearable, I could even say enjoyable . I now know that you need the bad emotions just as you need the good emotions, they come hand in hand.
GOD......
It was always an entity I either was asking something from or apologizing to . There was a kind of “your in charge” connection and I have to do everything you say and I was always feeling guilty about my addiction so that never worked out really well. Now I have a much better connection, I know god gave me my disease because he wants me to grow from it and I have a more father son like connection. I speak to god a few times a day. I say THANK YOU, I feel him wherever I go , I tell myself before I do anything questionable, gods right here with me (honestly this causes me trouble when bad habits crop up).
The truth is that I feel like a different person, before I was a private non personal kinda guy that was very uncomfortable in his on skin, now I feel like a very different person who is much closer to being the ideal person I have always wanted to be and NOTHING is woth going back there for......
