silentbattle-
thanks for the response and chizuk.  I see you are over 150 days clean, very very impressive.  Yeah i guess I am a little confused and deep down know the truth of how i feel and shouldn't be doing it.  I just reinstalled k9 on my computer because i am having a pretty rough day and well we all know where it ends up. its crazy that I am so used to dealing with things this way, pretty strong habit.
Just for now just fro today i am going to resist, who knows about tomorrow but for today I am not going to fall.  I probably should get off the internet right now...yeah I think I will.........

thank again for the support. knowing someone else is reading this and (cares to respond) is truly helpful.

ezra

I'm honored that I'm able to stand beside you in this battle, Reb Ezra. I never would have accomplished everything I have without you, and everyone else here.

Yes, it becomes such a natural thing - I recently mentioned on my thread how long I've had this habit for, and it's amazing - it becomes part of our lives, it can be almost impossible to imagine life without it. But once you experience life without it, it's like, "hey, this isn't so bad! Actually, this feels kinda good!"

You've had that feeling before - I'm guessing that when you were clean, it felt good...did it?

And you're moving forward - installing k9 is a huge step, in two ways: 1) practically speaking, it's a great fence, and 2) It's also a way of showing that you want to grow, and doing actions, real steps, that make you into the person you want to be. And you continued with that when you got off the computer during a rough day. Keep it up!

And hey - feel free to drop by and post on my thread...I can always use a little chizuk!

Hi,

This is my first post. I saw your name on the chart and my heart hurts. You had 92 day, vau 92 days. Please G-d, please, on my knees please, let Him give you strength to rise above nature and be truly happy, truly close to Him, truly close to yourself. He will give you strength. Man you gotta fight this, or I will look at the chart and think it can't be done.
What I do to keep from falling, I am sorry, I am just starting, please don't be angry for my words, but I just want to share the things I do:
I thank Him for everything and I say: Thank you for making me depressed, it is good. Thank you for making me afraid, it is for the best. Thank you for giving me so little time. Thank you for giving me this addiction.

It's a paradox, but they say life is full of them. But the thanking gives me an oppurtunity to refrain and start new.

Btw. I am 30 and have been addicted since I was eleven. I realize I can't go on like this, because I am destroying everything around and inside of me. I am loosing my memory, my feelings,  and most of all destroying the ones I love. Please G-d gives us all strength to be able to love, to allow ourselfs to journey forth, just like Moses inspite of all odds. No fight, no flight, no giving up, no fanatic prayer, no stupid religion, just plain faith that it will all be for the good and journey forth.

May He guide you in everything you do. All the best to you, He is here!

Yehoshua

Welcome, Yehoshua! Thank you for sharing your insight.

DO you want to post on the "introduce yourself" board?

yehoshua-
wow. what a post.  I'm glad you were inspired by my 92 days... I'll keep it in mind that you are watching me, now I have double responsibility. I am up to day 5 or 6 today, hoping to hit 30.
You've come to the right place.  put your name on the chart, read the manuals and keep in touch.  we are all in this together.
ezra

One day at a time, Reb Ezra - and ou already know that you can go WAY past 30!

Each day, one day at a time...

Well what can I say?  I fell after 79 days.  I really really wanted to make it to Rosh Hashanah with over 90 days clean but just couldn’t hack it.  As usual I fell for relay dumb reasons (mad at my wife- this is one of my triggers-I do it to get back at her and G-d). 
I felt so depressed and down afterwards and of course as usual fell many times after that.  I am now clean for 2 days.  It is so amazing how, much better I feel that longer I am clean.  The night after I broke my streak I attended a chasunah and really noticed the difference in my level of simcha.  I just couldn’t be happy.  I was smiling but it was fake, I looked around at all the other people dancing and enjoying the simcha and further realized how much destruction this tayva causes me.  It is so not worth it, but so hard to stop at the same time.  It is also amazing how after just one fall I feel like I am almost back to square one in this crazy war and it is really hard all over again.
This may sound weird but this fall strengthened my motivation to just stop.

Thanks for listening......

great to hear that youre taking to fall
to push you on further, keep at it!
i dont think ive gotten to 79 days clean in ages.
that's great, so much work that is worth every second of!
i also totally identify with the feeling of fake smiles when in a down.
ive been figuring out that i can be feeling angry and bring myself
to smile for real especially if i didnt let it lead me to actions
i might not want to really do, falling and smiling is harder for me.
anyways, aleh vhatzliach!

Is it really a way to "get back" at her and god? Or do you use that as an excuse for acting out?

Also, I hope you don't mind too much if I disagree with something you said - you said "I couldn't hack it." I disagree. You definitely can, and we both know that. But the difference between the Ezra that could do it, and the Ezra that did it...that's incomparable.