TThanks guys for the Chizuk btw it wasnt really a fall as it wasnt a chat site just a site where you can chat on the side of the screen. I'm still considered clean according to the rules, but this bothers me very very much.

Good for you!

So what are you going to do about it?

Let it fester inside of you until you pop?

Put up a geder around it, and KOT!!!

You're for real man.

EBD

JF,
EBD is on the money
the key is to keep out of the 'boxing ring' and stay away from confrontations with the lust

you are boyh right-of course. Headiing to put up that fence right now!

Good for you!!!

KOT!!!

gevaldig!

you will be all the better for it

Hi there

Well done for opening up to us and taking some big steps in your recovery.
You have a great attitude and I'm sure you will soon be the person you are proud of being.

I've also been battling depression which was mostly caused by my addiction.
I found more help here than I ever have from any therapists, I guess because we never found what the problem actually was.
The closest one got to diagnosing my problem was asking "Any excessive mas..." and I thought What is excessive? "No, nothing excessive" I replied and the topic never came up again.




You are right to be bothered, because you know what things lead you down the wrong path and something small can sometimes become something big just because it leaves a few seeds in one's mind that sit around, waiting for the right time to sprout.

You are also wrong to be bothered by it. By thinking about the wrong we have done, we keep our mind in that place. I found it really helps to confess that what I did was wrong and move on. There is nothing you can do now to change the past and dwelling on it will only cause depression which in turn will cause you to seek comfort...

Keep it up

ToAdd

JF, You've gone from zero to 100 in, what, 13/14 days?  Just great!

Seems to me you're becoming more sensitive about your love for "H.  Things that would probably never have bothered you before, now they bother you.  Look back.  Is this not amazing.  Is this not Menschhood.  Is this not a word.  Maybe menschkeit?  Whatever.

I've read lot's of guys who talk about this getting more sensitive thing.  That's been my experience too.  What I've noticed is there is a certain feeling I get that's the addiction feeling.  It doesn't matter what it's about--food, laying around when there's things I'm avoiding doing, putting off davening/layning/benching.  It's a nagging kind of tension in my chest is about the best I can describe it.  It's like I know I'm doing something out of my "I won't and you can't make me" ego.  I'm way not thinking about Hashem and how good it feels to be clean, without these nagging feelings.  How good it feels to be a mensch.

Anyway, KUTGW.

Thanks 1daat and yes, I am still clean and Im finishing bh my 15th day now! I can't believe it, it really is crazy! Regarding pushing things off, by me its not the addiction, but rather the fear of failure. I cant fail any more. I run from failure because all I see is failure and like I said in the beginning, if you get punched enough times, natural instinct is to stop picking your face off.
  Truth is the fear of failure isnt as extreme anymore. The probable causeis 1- I saw some success and 2-alot of the staying clean is living with yourself.
  I think this second point is a very important point. I think a big part of this whole process is living with yourself, stopping to live that  double life and taking responsibility for your life. I'm not being clear, but that probably has to do with the fact that its 1:45 AM and my eyes are closing.
    Ah Gut Voch and KOT!

I fell i have no words 35 days clean... I started a chavrussa 2nd seder and it was tough for me a tough week. I was very depressed today and it bothered me very much because I saw no reason for that depression after all I was clean for over a month... This I think iis what got me down enough so that I fell. If I could still be depressed and feel such pain then I felt hopeless because there is no reason for the pain and its there any way. This lead me to yiush and in turn to falling. I dont know whats going to be. Yes, everyone will tell me how great of a thing this is after all its 35 days, but if I still feel that pain of depresssion I cant deal with it and just give up............

First time i'm thinking of suicide in a whille im crying

Jewish Hero


Herr ois

Suicide is for sissies.


Next


U fell


So did I

When I was a few days shy of a year


A year??


A year of working

A year where the first 90 days were brutal!!

Herr ois

U have a choice

Stay down and stay out

Feel bad. Be sad. Get worse etc


Or say who the gehennom gives a possums tail


Stand up

Stand tall

Be back better

New and improved

Man

U are learning how to live


Live life!!

Live it!!

B

listen to rebbe b

divrei elokim chaim

winning is staying in the game

the Y'H wants you to stay down in the dumps and throw in the towel

do not give him that pleasure

you are from the bnai kel chai
ben avraham yitzchok and yaakov
and YOSEF

you have it in you
ilmalei HKB"H ozroi aino yachol lo
the RBSO wants to help you
open the door when He knocks

Hi JF

I've tried the suicide route...

With my body writhing on the floor, I banged on the doors to the next world.
"Let me in, Let me in" I shouted.
Then an answer came, never before have I heard so much from one single word: "NO!"
My mission in this world was not yet complete and so I had to stay.

I know that if they had let me in, it would have been worse not better.
At best, I probably would have to come back here to do it all again.

Suicide doesn't work.
If, God forbid, you are sucessful, will you be in a better place? No.
If it doesn't work, then what? You can have scars like me.

You are strong enough to get through this -
you possibly just don't have the tools, or the people that you need to help just aren't hearing you
There are always solutions.

If you are already at the breaking point - then what do you have to lose by opening up to someone who can help?
What is wrong, and what can we do to help?

I know it's been awhile since I last posted but I wanted to let everyone in on a mitzva. There is a Lakewood news site called the lakewoodscoop.com which posted an article from someone who is fighting lust addiction. Already two people commented about gye being a great help, but from the comments it's obvious that many people don't realize the severity of the whole issue. I think if people comment about personal struggles it may help bring awareness to this major issue. TIZKU LIMITZVOS!