Ano, we love you! We are all with you here. We are your spiritual family! Hashem loves you more than you can imagine. This world is dark, it's hard, Hashem is so hidden. But he has given you wisdom beyond your years. I see how you answer people on this forum. You have it in you to reach great heights of kedusha. Rememebr the Pasuk "Emo Anochi Betzara" - Hashem is with every yid in his suffering, in his pain. That is the lesson of Shovavim and the parshios of these 6 weeks - how Hashem was with us in the dark, oppressive Mitzrayim and in the end he took us out with great wonders and miracles, and with so much love.

You are honestly one of the most amazing warriors I have ever had on this forum. You've come farther than most others so far and you are shaking the upper worlds. Don't let the darkness get to you. You are holding the torch! Hold it up and let it guide us all!

You always seem to have the right words GUE. The truth is that right now the only thing I actually own is this. What I mean is that other than my current streak and the slight boost in my self confidence that I get from my self control, I don't really have anything. So I just won't let myself mess up now, because if I do I don't have anything left. The fact that the rest of my life is so tough is making this battle a little bit easier. Sure I have toys, but toys are that: toys. They don't make me happy, and when the people in my life only push me down it's very hard to keep going. I took the liberty of writing a couple of really bitter private documents for myself to keep. I felt much better after I finished writing it. I bottled up all my anger with myself and others and wrote it all down, extracting it from my system. Hopefully I'll feel better tomorrow.

I just want to add one point to Rabeinu Guards true words of wisdom.  
Our dear dear friend Ano, it's no coincidence that you feel like this now. The filthy menuval has been getting such a beating like he's hardly gotten before! Not only have you gotten so far yourself, but on top of that you're doing a tremendous job being mechazek others! This is the breaking point where that dirty monster goes totally wild and tries whatever he could to get you. HOLD ON TIGHT!!! Once you pass through this stage you will be a totally different and much much greater person than you were until now.

And it's worth repeating: We love you with all our hearts, and that's only a tiny moshol to Hashem's love for you!!!

                                                                            CHAZAK VEEMATZ!!!

Your writing down all your anger to get it out of your system is another example of what I said before about your "wisdom beyond your years"! You'd make a great therapist yourself one day. Who knows if your beating this struggle won't be your MASTERS DEGREE for helping others one day  :D

If you notice above in Battleworn's message, he made the words "Chazak Ve'ematz" (at the end) in red, and he also highlighted it in red. That means you can't see it. (If you highlight it with the mouse you can see it). I think he meant to hint to you that Hashem and the Malachim are cheering you on and telling you "Chazak ve'ematz!" even though you don't see it right away ;D

Just checking in. Doing well and hanging in there. If I get through shovavim I'll already be long past 90 days.

Reading your posts, brightens up my day!!!        CHAZAK VEEMATZ!!!!!

Thanks for checking in Ano. You give us all strength.

The war is far from over, but a major battle has been won. I have kicked the HABIT part. Even if I watch an R rated movie, I don't have the urge to masturbate. It's just not an option. Ideally I won't be watching any movies, but once in a while I need a distraction, and that helps for now. I will likely be able to kick it eventually. On the shmiras ainayim front it's also much easier. While stuck in this habit, you undress every attractive woman in the street with your eyes. Now, even though I see many attractive women, I hardly ever have that urge to LOOK at them the way I used to. Today is 8 weeks, and it's amazing how much easier it is. I know another one of the YHs tricks which I felt coming up on me, so I though I'd share it. This one seems stupid, but he actually tried it on me, even though I said NO. He says "why not watch some porn and not masturbate? You can watch a movie and not masturbate, right? Why not download some pornography and have a good time but without masturbating?" I know a couple things are very wrong with this argument of his. Firstly, if I do that I'm giving in to Lust, which is what I am trying so hard to kick. Secondly, if I give in to that, I WILL masturbate. I don't think it's possible to watch porn and not masturbate (even though I read about one guy here who claimed he did this, I know that I certainly can't). Anyway, I said a firm NO to that little voice, and he went away. I wonder what the next tactic will be? He never seems to run out of new angles to come from...

Ano, Ano, Holy Ano! Your Avodah is shaking the heavens. I mentioned you in today's Chizuk e-mail, you are an inspiration to us all. Getting to the point where it is simply not an option, that is a HUGE milestone.

You are 100% correct in your answer to the Yetzer Hara's latest try. But it's even more than what you wrote. In fact, Chaza"l (Yoma 29a) tell us that a desirous thought for a woman is even worse (in a sense) than committing the illicit act. It destroys our minds. The eyes are the very doorways to our souls!

As far as movies go, they are VERY dangerous for people who struggle with this, and are one of the main cause that people end up failing in the end. Click here for a great article on movies by Tzvi Fishman. And click here for a prayer to say before watching movies :-)

I know you need a distraction, but if you HAVE to, let it be only Kosher movies. Someone sent me recently a few movie titles that are basically "kosher" (as Kosher as movies come today, which is still not 100%), for example, "Eagle Eyes" and "The city of Ember" and all the 3D Pixar films like "Everyone's Hero", "Kung Fu" and "Wall-E". See this page for some more ideas. I know some people that made a Kabbala that they won't watch any movie unless someone looked it over first and tells them it's Kosher. The word "Kosher" with today's movies is a very "relative" word, based on your level of demanding from yourself. But DO set yourself some minimum guidelines. If you feel you need movies and can't be makpid at this stage 100%, at least make a guideline that (the person you ask verifies for you that) there are no kissing or love scenes.

Be strong Ano. Hashem has taken us 100 miles higher than the actors in these movies. We don't need to connect our holy eyes and minds to their low desires and be like all the millions of goyim. Hashem has uplifted us, let's jump into his arms!

I LOLd at that prayer of yours. I can argue on some parts of it, but the bottom line is that there is certainly nothing to be gained by watching movies. I'm just going to keep going and try to keep movie watching to the bare minimum, while increasing the time I spend learning. And I'm going to try and stay happy and satisfied with MYSELF because that is the only way I will remain on the rise. As soon as depression sets in, everything goes down the drain. So... :D

Way to go!

BTW I didn't write that Teffilah - I took it from www.briskodesh.org  ;D

Rabeinu Guard, WOW! Do you know if I can get a hold of that in Hebrew?

Ano, KEEP GROWING HIGHER AND HIGHER!!! NEVER STOP!!!

Shabbos is coming and I'm hanging in there. The urge is much weaker now, and it's much easier to guard my eyes in the street. The thoughts haven't invaded my head much in recent days, and when they do they are vague, not vivid and graphic as they used to be. There is no way I could have done any of this without you guys and without a Rebbi helping me. Of course in the end if I didn't TRULY want to quit there is no way I would have been able to. I have made peace with the realization that the war never ends. Only specific battles end. I am not fighting this war for the victory; I am fighting this war for the fight.

Way to go!!!  As Rabeinu Guard says: Your wisdom is way beyond your age!!

Everything is going well here.

I'll admit it. I listen to non-jewish music.

Now that I've got that out of the way, I would like to post the lyrics to a song that makes me cry sometimes when I hear it. I believe it is REALLY discussing the emotions when a guy breaks up with his girlfriend, but to me it is how I felt with my addiction to masturbation and/or porn. Anyway, here are the lyrics. For a couple words it doesn't fit, but other than that, it fits perfectly.



Nothing ever stops all these thoughts
and the pain attached to them
Sometimes I wonder why this is happenin'
It's like nothing I could do would distract me when
I think of how I shot myself in the back again
'Cause from the infinite words I could say I
Put all the pain you gave to me on display
But didn't realize
Instead of setting it free I
took what I hated and made it apart of me

[Never Goes Away...] x2



And now
You've become a part of me
You'll always be right here
You've become a part of me
You'll always be my fear
I can't separate
Myself from what I've done
Giving up a part of me
I've let myself become you
(You...)
(You...)
(You...)


Hearing your name
the memories come back again
I remember when it started happenin'
I'd see you in every thought I had
and then
my thoughts slowly found words attached to them
And I knew as they escaped away I was
committing myself to 'em
And every day
I regret saying those things
cause now I see
that I
took what I hated and made it apart of me.

[Never Goes Away] x2

And now
You've become a part of me
You'll always be right here
You've become a part of me
You'll always be my fear
I can't separate
Myself from what I've done
Giving up a part of me
I've let myself become you

[Never Goes Away] x4


(Get away from ME!)
Give me my space back
Youve gotta just
(GO!)
Everything comes down to memories of
(YOU!)
I've kept it in but now Im letting you
(KNOW!)
I've let you go!
So
(get away from ME!)
Give me my space back
You've gotta just
(GO!)
Everything comes down to memories of
(YOU!)
I've kept it in but now Im letting you
(KNOW!)
I've let you go!

And now
You've become a part of me
You'll always be right here
You've become a part of me
You'll always be my fear
I can't separate
Myself from what I've done
Giving up a part of me
I've let myself become you
I've let myself become you
I've let myself become lost inside these thoughts of you
Giving up a part of me
I've let myself become you