REBBE REB BER =D O V

YOU BABY STEPS WOW IS THAT TEEEF ( OH DOV I BECAME A YIDDISH TEACHER  TEEF IS DEEP)

OK I DO NOT WANT TO CAUSE bDS

BUT.. I NEED A BREAK I AM ADDICTED TO THIS SITE!!!!!

LIKE MESHUGGGA!!

b

Today was a great day. I was totally free of lust, and was flying high  in Torah, mussar, and tefilla.

If I post about the struggles and hardships, I guess I should also post about the good, strong days as well!

Boruch Hashem.

GEVALDIGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG

Yes indeed! Mazel Tov, Yesodos!

Hi,

I've stopped posting for a good few days, which was a serious mistake. I fell once  about a week ago after about 30 days clean. And after the fall I went on to youtube a few times - not that I saw anything wrong or that I went on to the site lustfully, but for me visiting to youtube is also a fall, because as an addict it is a lust inciter, and it breaks down the gedorim between myself and lust.

I regret my actions, and I'm putting my trust in Hashem and in this group to get me out of my addiction.

I'm trying to make kabolos for the upcoming year. Without a doubt, staying with this group, working the steps, reading the emails, has to be the ikker kabolo and the source of all positive changes that I can hope for this year - iyh.

How are you, rebbe yesodos?

Thanks for asking, dov. I just was thinking about you this second, as I was rather moved by your post that featured in today's chizuk email. It really hit the nail on the head, although to be honest, if R guard wouldn't have given it the special introduction, I doubt I'd have appreciated the depth of your comment.

How am I? Well, boruch Hashem I'm still fighting, but I feel a little bit uninspired at the moment, addiction wise. Why? I guess I'm coming to terms with the disparity between my former (subconcious) exciting hopes of being clean FOREVER, which I had at the beginning, and the reality which is sinking in that 30 clean days is pretty good going for me at this stage. I have altogether given up hope of making 90 clean days, which is a sad but true reality. I hope I will make it to 90, but I'm no longer aiming for it.

Lust is still there, unfortunately. I know its ridiculous, but I just wish it would go away and pick on someone else. I struggled today, and won, but I don't feel like a winner, I feel like I avoided losing, which is a relief, but an uninspiring relief. 

I am wondering how on earth R Guard is able to do this as a FULL TIME OCCUPATION. I know it is invasive and a little rude to ask him how he manages to provide for his family, what his wife thinks, etc, so I won't do that. But the man has my utmost respect, that's for sure.

Dov, how much time a day do you spend helping addicts? Don't you get bored ever?

I regret drifting out of the forum over the last few weeks, and want to become more involved. I had a really strong period, and didn't feel that the forum was really necessary during the 'up', as I didn't have anything to post. I know that I have to avoid overconfidence, but I'm not good at it yet. Any ideas?

Thanks for listening - I really respect you for taking an interest in us 'strugglers'.

Gmar chasima tova.

Also, it just occurs to me that I'd prefer it if the daily emails had the small section on the GYE handbook at the top of the email. I always start the chizuk email, but I don't always finish it because I find it a little long sometimes, so maybe I should suggest this to R Guard. Do other ppl like this suggestion?

Also,I'm upset with myself that I'm uninspired by the impending yom kippur. In previous years I used to approach YK by psyching myself up for never lusting EVER again. I am not trying this approach this year. I'm just commiting myself to keep connected to GYE in a meaningful way, and hoping that this will keep my lust in check. I know this silly, but I feel demotivated by this change.

yesodos12 wrote on 24 Sep 2009 20:36:


Dear Yesodos,

While it might need some modification, your committment for this year sounds much more realistic than your past committments.  If the y"h is convincing you to feel let down because of that, I have a bridge to sell you!

I was just wondering the same thing!

Kedusha - re modification, what do you mean?

R Guard - re occupation, I know what YOU mean!

yesodos12 wrote on 25 Sep 2009 05:56:


Yesodos,

I just meant that, even if you need to tweak your plan for the coming year (e.g. by installing a filter, in addition to working with GYE), it's seems, overall, to be a solid, realistic committment, as opposed to your past committments.

Meaning this in love, Yesodos'l, and only in love, please trust me:

Maybe it is finally time to just say "to heck(ll) with whether I am inspired, good, or bad, or whatever. I am doing Yom Kippur in my imperfect way as a gift to the Ribono shel Olam, not to "have a spiritual experience" nor to "get" anything at all in return or as a result. It is a mitzvah. My kiyyum of it is pretty much the only thing I can "give to" or "do for" Hashem. Enough about me."

Can you swallow that one? Perhaps it's be the best "pre-YK seudah" I can have.

Saged advice.

Please everyone, help me to remember how much I want to be involved in this community. I want GYE to stay with me the whole year.

Hi everyone,

I want to use this post to summarize my battle so far -

I started on shiva assar betammuz, after getting into a habit of falling twice weekly, and was able to stay clean for about 26 days, until I fell in the middle of summer bein hazemanim.

Then a few days later I managed to start another clean stretch of about 28 days, which ended in  another fall in the middle of elul.

Again, it took me a few days to start from fresh, but this time round, I didn't look at anything inappropriate before being clean, I just visited youtube - which for me is a definite fall, as it eventually incites my lust. That visit set back the count a few days, though.

I am in the middle of my third clean stretch now, 16 days in.

What have I leant?

1. That 90 days is a tough goal for an addict. This has taught me the importance of fighting the battle one day at a time. Right now I have 2 goals for this stretch, the official goal and unofficial goal. Officially, I am taking it one day at a time, as I realise that I can't possibly fight tomorrow's yetzer hora now, or as someone on the forum put it, you can't go to the bathroom now, for tomorrow. On the other hand, the whole 90 day business is founded on the fact that each day is very much connected with the surrounding time, and there is a clear danger that my yh will tell me that 'since you're only taking it one day at a time, you can fall today and it won't affect anything more than today'. This is very dangerous, as one little fall ruins a whole streak, and its like taking a kettle off the gas in mid-boil. Therefore, my unofficial goal for now is 40 days, but I have to keep it unofficial to prevent me 1) taking my eye off the ball of TODAY. 2) becoming overconfident. 3) beoming dispondent.

2. The importance of NEVER being in range of unfiltered access. I have my filter at home and it literally saves me on a daily basis (I just got a new laptop and haven't yet successfully fine-tuned my new filter yet, URGENT AtTENTION REQUIRED!). Not all the computers at work have filters yet, but I'm working on it.

3. Youtube and google video is an automatic fall. I'm not saying this for everyone, but for me it is, as it fans the flames of lust.

4. Avoid being a dry drunk. Its not enough to just not act out. Every day must be a chizuk - I need to actively break free by actively involving God in my struggles.

5) The importance of the chizuk emails. This is connected, obviously, with the previous point. A fall is often preceded by a period in which I'm 'too busy' for the chizuk emails'. This 'too busy' is the moment the satan has been waiting for.

I'm sure there is more, but that's all for now.