aa1977, i feel your pain.

i also know that no deep philosophical cliches will make it go away. but one thing is certain, and that is when we face our problems truthfully and without hiding them that is the threshold to real growth and healing. and that is what you are doing. more power to you.

Mr aa that was a beautifull post. Very honest and sincere. I really felt that i was seeing inside you. Do me one favor dont sweat the past. I dont care if you were happy last year or not. Right now we are going to start building the new you. You will happy and fufilled.

Felt like searching for something naughty, so came here to tell you all instead.

Now I'll put my head down and get on with what i'm supposed to be doing.

Thanks for the help!

Hashem imcha, gibor hachayil!

kutgw!

I can only speak for myself and not pretend to know your life or situation. But, for what it's worth:

I was always scared of admitting the truth to myself. That I have a depression. That I hate my life. That I resent my wife. That so-and-so really DOESN'T like me as much as I hoped. Etc Etc.

In fact, there was no need to be scared. The opposite is true. Admitting the truth, and no longer lying to myself, is incredibly liberating. Painful and confusing in the short term, PERHAPS, but also frees up the mental space to focus on some real progress rather than fitting myself better into the lie I'd like to be true.

Hashem made us we are, and put us in the situation we're in, for a reason. Don't fight 'it,' which is to say don't fight 'G-d.' He's got a plan in mind for us....

What I'm trying to say is, we don't have to hate our current circumstances but we do have to acknowledge them in order to move on peacefully.

Just a thought. One you may have had yourself on countless occasions, but it's still a good one for me to hear myself.  (Plus, PS, any married frum man who hasn't read Rabbi Arush's Garden of Peace is a fool.)

So, just for clarity and cuz there is nothing to lose by asking you:

Are you having a problem with lust that makes your life unmanageable, or not?

If yes, then exactly what sort of stuff do you do for lust that is getting you into trouble.

If you have no problems because of sex or lust habits, then what can you do to move forward with what you've got?

I am a lust addict. I am powerless over lust. I cannot use it in a controlled way - it always takes over my life and twists my thinking. It ruins my life and living.
I suffered for many years until I got sober and started recovery. I still have a long way to go - which will end at the moment I die.

I also was depressed and very uncomfortable the day of my wedding. It was weird, I thought. The dancing was fun, as you described, but inside, I was literally tortured by an inner conscience that all this was fake and I had to keep up a normal cover. Inside I was in doubt about who I married, about lots of stuff. How could I be really happy?

I am not saying that as long as you are (or I am) sober, everything will fall into place automatically. But it's close to that. I'd say that as long as I am sober, I will need to face the garbage that is torturing me - in order to remain sober.

I would rather be dead than live un-sober. And my wife and children will eventually feel the same way. And so will klal Yisroel.

When I act out I can cover it up and function externally - but the inner turmoil seethes - there is no peace. And eventually - maybe after weeks, months, or years - those around me get the very life sucked out of them. It is hell living with an addict not in recovery, I have learned. I learned that by listening to the recovery of wives of sex addicts.

Maybe you are not a lust addict at all. I do not bear any suspicion that you are - zero. I have no idea at all what your problem is. It is none of my business, anyway. But I want you to know my story for whatever you choose to learn from it.

Hatzlocha!

Love,

Dov

Really appreciate everyone's replies. Hugs all round.

I'm feeling so overwhelmed and stressed by all this. There's so much to do and i don't know where to start, and time flies by so quickly. Even to sit and type this now - I have other things i need to be doing, or at least that i tell myself i need to be doing. But this is what i've always done - avoided doing what will really help me change and be happy and start giving to others - and instaed I've just kept myself busy doing nothing and going nowhere. So the years pass and i've achieved so little.

Last night I had some time to get on - learn something, work on steps, read, listen to music - somethng positive. Or sit here and reciprocate some of the kindness i'm receiving by reading others posts and encouraging them. What do i do? Search for a film to watch. Not anything dirty, just something. Wasn't successful but spent a good hour an a half looking. Such a waste of time. I was in one of those 'blaagh' states of mind. I'd helped put kids to bed, and tidied the kitchen so that my wife could get out, which she was desperate for. But then - blaagh.

Am i just depressed, do i have an addiction? I know my Rav would say to stop thinking about myself and get on with a mitzvah, and rejoice in it. If I had open access I'm sure i'd be visiting some not nice places - but even that i feel i did half-heartedly. I'm such a Charlie Brown. I can't even be a good addict. I'm too wishy-washy.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh (Sigh not a scream).

It's like, "If you're going to do something, at least do it properly, put you're whole being into it." I've always been too scared of what others will think. I think I'm also scared of myself, of what's really inside. In the past I've had a terrible temper - though it rarely ever came out. I'm scared of it. When it did come out, I really hurt my son, though i hadn't meant to. Maybe I'll share the story another time. So I'm scared of my own feelings. Shofar is great - it got them all out - but i didn't have the keilim to deal with them. So i'm living with a permanent stopper on my emotions.

I try to meditate, and i don't have any internal spontaneous imagery. Why not? Why don't i dream much? Because it's all been plugged down.

Perhaps this is all a load of psychobabble.

I know i really need to take the time to work through this now, to dedicate time and effort. To read, to write, to share. Otherwise i'll carry on living in this sufficating shell, where even i'm not aware of what's going on inside.

I don't even know how to have fun. Let's say I want to schedule something fun into my week - i don't know what to do. The most fun i ever had growing up was watching tv.  I had no social life or siblings, and all my parents knew to do was play bridge and watch tv. The former was out, so all i did was the latter. Pretty sad, really.

Porn is one way that i could get in touch with some feelings. It was a break from the monotony. If that's the only break i know, it's tough going without it. That's probably why i was searching for a film to watch.

Glad i posted this. I know i need to take time out for this, and give it as much time as it needs. If i do, it'll be better for me and my wife and kids, and i'll get all the other things done better too.

If you've taken the time to read all this, I really appreciate it.

Much love to everyone

A

aa1977, i feel for you. your honesty and searching is a great thing and it sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders.
a couple of questions, what is shofar?
and imho, after you put the kids to bed and tidied up the kitchen and after a long day what's wrong with some 'time out'? of course not doing anything assur. but i don't think you should beat yourself up about some time spent relaxing, everybody needs it. be nice to yourself.
all the best
zs

Thanks ZS.

Shofar is a frum organisation, based in the States, that runs Seminars that help you get in touch with yourself. The seminars are incredible. they're mainly experiential, it's not an intellectual exercise.

I was actually thinking of the main message of it again today - it's so important.

Hashem was alone. He created an 'other' so that there could be relationship. The task of the other is to find Him and return to Him, achieving the relationship.

It focuses on how our deepest need is to connect - for real relationships. Ultimately with Hashem, but also with others, especially our parents, children and wives.

The seminar is well worth going on. It really changes lives.

Check out their site: www.calloftheshofar.org/

Remembering this today got me in touch with this deep truth - that gnawing feeling inside is a longing for closeness and connection. When I've had that with my wife, i'm in heaven. And i don't think then about how she looks, or her body or anything else. I just see her beauty and love her for who she is.

Hashem!! Help us all get to this and give up our substitutes for true intimacy. Amen.

Your Rav is very wise, in my opinion. But we need a balance in that as in everything else. For some of us there is nothing better than going for days and weeks without focusing on ourselves - every self-absorbed thought to convert to doing or thinking about doing for somebody else. Nu. At least till we get nearer to 'normal'. For others, that just makes them nuttier. Nu. Maybe we need to ask Hashem more often for more things, like for the ability to think of others more than we naturally tend to. And for help with wanting to do the right stuff rather than wanting to get the right stuff.

It sounds like you are really onto something when you burst out with that beautiful bakosho at the end of your post above. In the end, the only thing I can see that ever stands between us and living in that sweet state of being that you describe as 'Heaven', is our ego. May we let Hashem remove more and more of our self-absorption and egotistical concern. Amen!

aa1977 wrote on 10 Nov 2010 22:46:


amen!

thanks for the info about Shofar, i will check it out.

what you wrote at the end is beautiful. you have the right idea about what intimacy should be. we should all get there...