Great to read your posts AA. Here's what talks to me from what i've read around. Don't try figuring out the lust thing cos you never will. Just turn your back on it. I find as soon as i start thinking about whether bechira is involved or not, it's one small step on that slippery slide. I need to just walk away from the whole thing. It's impossible to negotiate with a drunk at your door - slamming the door shut is the only thing that really works! Loads of hatzlocho!!!

Frumfeind and noquitter,  I know you're right. I just don't like it. Or lets say, my nefesh bahami doesn't like it. He likes the excitement - the risk. The thrill. Bl--dy idiot.

Sorry.

Struggling a bit.

Found that 2 not-so-kosher programmes that I'd installed and then uninstalled (after sharing with my wife, who fortunately wanted nothing to do with them) had actually been secretly saved in another location on my computer and were ready and waiting to be reinstalled.

Got rid of them. Sigh. Know it's the right thing, but it hurts.

Sad, sad, sad. (me, i mean, not the emotion)

Another day.

Need to work on the  and not focus on the struggle and loss.

Night night.

aa1977 wrote on 12 Oct 2010 19:34:


hold your head high! you did a great thing by getting rid of them. you are investing in yourself by doing that. think of how proud the RBSO is of what you did, even though it is hard and painful. we at GYE are proud, your wife would be proud, so join the crowd.

Thanks Zemiros

I told my wife, and she is proud. She said, "Oh, you could have enjoyed yourself for a couple of weeks!"  :

Truth is, had a bit of a slip "testing" K9. It's not as good as I'd hoped it would be. Rimon internet is far better and more suspicious of anything it doesn't know.

Feel myself a little on edge and going into myself a bit - not good signs. But actually feeling this less than not long ago.

If i slip again tomorrow I'm going to call it a fall and start the count again.

I don't like being too strict on myself, but I have to draw the line somewhere.

Chazak V'ematz, soldiers

you can upgrade the level on k9 to block more sites and also keywords. if feasible you can block searches (i think).

ultimately the struggle comes down to you, not your filter. so you need to read the handbooks, read around on the forum and learn the correct approach and mindset. if you feel yourself slipping that is when you have to reach out to someone, try to distract yourself, get caught up in something good. once we start falling very often there is no stopping until the deed is done as our addiction "dumbs us down" until we are unable to think act rationally.

so your self-awareness is great, try to build on that and figure out a battle plan to implement when you feel a slip starting.

hatzlocha raba and keep on trucking

Just a suggestion, to a sweet yid who is obviously moving in the right direction but still hurting a bunch (like most of us here on this heiligeh network):

Maybe instead of throwing down anything like a 'gauntlet' to lust, consider getting more help than before, with the understanding that you will not get stronger.

I am not at all stronger than I was a year ago! But be"H I am safer than ever now, because I have more help now than I have ever had. And it has been years since I had to think things like, "was that considered a 'slip'?" How's that? Because I make more calls when I feel off-balance now, not fewer calls; I take far fewer risks just to satisfy the false god in me called 'Desperate Curiosity'; my filter works better - because I never test it; I have less shame about the truth about myself and my screwiness so I have fewer secrets; I have fewer stupid motivations inside me, so I have fewer resentments and fears. I am 'lighter' today, thank-G-d. I continue to "lose extra weight" as a result of working this recovery. 

It takes time, and it never ends till we are dead....kind of like Life - because that's what it is!

I am not telling anyone 'the way it is' - just sharing how it works with me. I do not get stronger and have no interest whatsoever in 'getting stronger'. If you offered me the ability to withstand all the tayva in the world, I'd turn away in a second. I want a safety with G-d, not 'power'. Otherwise, it begs the question, "Is my struggle a big cosmic accident?" He is not like a Superhero - running to 'save me' when I am in trouble - ridiculous! Rather, all my problems are only refuahs that look like makkahs - ways given to me to grow closer to Him, and only that. Again, just my opinion. Thanks!

Two programs equals two korbanos.
Keep up the good work!

I said I'd call it a fall, so i've reset my counter.

Start again.

One day at a time.

This is what i need in many other areas too.

Thanks FF and Dov - really appreciate your wisdom and encouragement

I do need to reach out and share more. Working in a group would be very good for me in many ways, though i still have the doubt of whether i really need it and would stick it out for any time. I know that this is silly - I'm painting my future with my past.

I'd like to start with a partner. I filled in the form but haven't heard anything yet. I'm going to try again.

I'm starting over in so many areas in my life that i get bogged down by a feeling of being overwhelmed. There's so much to do and change.

I know. One day at a time.

I'm exhausted, so it's not a great time to share.

Good night, everyone

aa, I'm just going to chime in what other guys have said:  You killed two Amaleks.  You bring us all closer to actually getting to watch the koyen shecht the olah.  Thanks!

Sunday. New week.

B"H have had three replies for partners through the partner forum which I've followed up with email and I'm waiting for confirmations from them now.

Want to read a bit more then make up a list of things I'll vow to do before descending into the netherworld.

Bli neder I'll post it all here so it will be like a public undertaking.

Have also bought some black sticky paper for my sunglasses for when i have to venture into the red light districts.

Things are moving.

May we all have a week of true joy and tranquility - being happy with ourselves as we are and connecting to the others in our lives, and to Hashem, like never before. Amen.

KUTGW!!  Just remember one day at a time and to make sure you always are honest about what is going on with yourself.  Like the end part of the username 1977!!

Need to make this vow. Its Thursday already, so i'll just make it till Sunday, and then renew. Watch this spot to make sure i do it!

I'll vow (soon out loud) with Hashem's name that before i search for any inappropriate content whatsoever on the internet, whether that be pictures, stories, books, games that i will first,

1. say the Tikkun HaKlali

2. Make myself a sweet coffee

3. Post here that I'm about to give in and sin

Okay, i said it. Feels good. Before a big part of me didn't want to say it, because that part of me is lazy and is really hoping that the lust will win.

I've taken another step.

Hope everyone has a great day

AA

Just feel the need to post.

I want to work the steps. I feel it will be the only way out. And in a group will work best. Perhaps I will go a meeting. There's one on sunday I could get to.

I know that Hashem will help me with this. I know that its an illusion. That the void I feel inside is all part of the illusion. Part of the trap, which the YR then uses to entice us. Like R' Nachman's parable of the man in the market with his closed hand/bag, who convinces everyone that he has exactly what they're searching for, so they all run after him, only to discover in the end that he had nothing at all.

I know that all the happiness lies in my own home, with my own wife and family.

But knowing is next to meaningless in this struggle. I can sit and contemplate and theorize all day long.

Right now, I still believe the illusion. Part of me loves it and doesn't want it to be wrong. If i ask Hashem to help me be rid of it - I'm not being truthful, because right now i don't want to be rid of it. I still believe it's good. I'm hoping He'll let me know that for me its okay. I don't have to worry. That my life can be manageable with it.

The thougts of 'never' are just too painful.

This is where i am now.

I'm talking too much, being too negative and taking myself too seriously.

Hashem will for sure help, as soon as i really don't want this and am really wiling to accept His help.

You're not talking too much.  You are such an honest person.  KUTGW.  As far as I've been able to tell, I'm stuck with this addiction for life.  It gets more strong and less strong, but it's hard to say no.  So I need help.  I guess you've figured that out too.  Amazing work. 

aa1977 wrote on 21 Oct 2010 09:14:


Thanks for being so open about all this, be"H you put it so well. I do not believe you can be any more fortunate than you are right now. It is just plain truth that the drunk laying in his own vomit in the street after being thrown out of his home for so long that he cannot remember his kids' names, is actually one of the luckiest people in the whole world - at the moment that he clearly and finally realizes that he does not really have to drink any more. That he really cannot fight it ever again, but can still be freed of it and live without it. That there is such a thing as a G-d in the world with him, and that He can help him....the drunk. That drunks like him do get sober.

I believe that the poor prusteh, inner city homeboy who is hopelessly hooked on heroin, prostitutes, and crack, goes through the same exact process that a 'white-collar' lust addict goes through. The recovery is exactly the same for the Rov of a shul who I know who was doing the very same stuff as that heathen. No difference between yid and goy at all, at this stage. That is why I have hugged and cried with them as brothers in this, just as I have with sweet yidden with this machalah. It is the same letting go, no difference. The same pain. The same desperation for 'just another chance to try and manage his life with my sweet pacifier' comes back and tortures us. 

So for this moment you are very lucky - for you, unlike most people in this world, have exactly what you need, and know it. G-d offers his friendship and love to each person. Most people do not take it, because they do not need it! They are 'millionaires' - they have what they need to be comfortable. Yet we addicts struggle to get what we need - we just cannot be satisfied with this life! We seem to be programmed with a big hole in our gut that normal, run-of-the-mill life cannot fill. And others waste their time telling us that normal life should fill us. Well, it doesn't.

And the sooner we agree to stop trying to live a 'normal' life (only externally, of course) - and finding it unbearable - the sooner we start to finally get better.

So there is no need to be ashamed of anything you wrote. It was all sweet and good, because it is the truth. And Truth is how Hashem signs things. As long as you stay in the truth, ignoring whether it sounds honorable or not, Hashem will put His signature on everything you try to do, and really help you. Chessed shel Emess. His Chessed, for your Emess.

So are you lucky or what?