ok. today i had a fall. my thread up until now is "this time im in it to win it." not this is it. im trying to fight against the anxioty of falling. i think one of the hardest parts of falling is now you have to start all over. but who cares. 
im tightening the rules. this time, if i even start to m******* i will consider it a fall.
im gona have the filter gabbai turn my k9 into a whitelist by having him block out the keyword ".com" or ".org" and have him place my email and GYE in the exceptions box.......
since it is zman simchasenu instead of being sad, im happy that hashem gave me 37 day (i think thats how long it was) every time a thought of anxioty or annoyance comes to me, i yell at it "kafai tovah" youre denying hashems gift of 37 day
i have more to say but i have mincha to go to
a gut moed

Dont go for last licks.

We ARE in it to win it...

And you are clearly winning...

Just watch out for those secret agents of the YH who have infiltrated the war cabinet and are insisting its got to be ALL or NOTHING... if we can't win every battle, we ain't gonna fight. I know, it makes no sense actually  :o, but they keep repeating it again and again, and as Barnum and Bailey said....

Sometimes they spread their message secretly to the electorate, without much fanfare, just behind the scenes whispering... real hush hush.

;D

Frumfiend The star wrote on 28 Sep 2010 02:28:

what do you meen by that?
kutan shel hachabura wrote on 28 Sep 2010 02:53:

hmmmmmm sounds familiar 

how apropo (however you spell it), that the 1st day of this new battle is ushpiza deyosef!

That means dont say today is blown anyway. Let me act out a little more. My count will anyway not start untill tommorow. Hayom im bekolo tishmaoo. Get up right now!

oooo. of course! i agree  ;D ;D 
i am now starting to go over the handbooks in the handbook page of the forum. so far it is me and world. i personally inviting everyone to join us in that!!!!!! hope to see you there!!!!!!!!!

so because of my fall yesterdayi had tumah and i wasnt able to go to the mikvah until this morning (i go everyday) and i woke up 20 min late so i was late to shul also. som1 took my seat so i sat in the back and i had a perfect angel to look at the womens section. so i realize something that i realized a long time ago. but it needs to be brought back to the top of my mind for the next week. (im kinda talking to myself out loud) when you have a fall, its aspecially hard to get back. there is a guy in my comunity who used to do drugs, he did every kind that you can imagine, now, years later he is baruch hashem clean. but his brother told me that he cant have any alchohal or anything cus it would set him off. one time he accidently got his cup mixed up on leil seder on pesach he had grapejuice and som1 put wine into it and it completly set him off. he was with family so they controlled him. but the point is that i just had that cup of wine and now my addiction is set off again. so for the nexts couple of weeks i need to be aspecially carefull (not that you dont ALWAYS have to be aspecially carefull)

once again now that i am starting a new thread, i want to say that ii dont sit down knowing what im writing, i start and i write whatever is on my mind, so i might not be so clear, or i might be jumping around topics or ect.

Dear HS, 
I'm sure you are dissapointed! But whats forsure is that you've got the potentiall!!!

I just thought that at this stage the following is impotant to consider,
People often tend to think 'ok so i fell thats the end of that try now time for a NEW start etc', even if they dont get all depressed or down about things (as you dont), the point is that they see themselevs as starting again, 'turning a new leaf'.

Then they RESTART (forgetting the past), with all the drama etc etc as we all know - all too well! and low and behold they fall again, as is often expected - its not easy!
BUT no harm done, they just START again from fresh day in day out, until they fall again.

At this point the usually still have the courage to start again, but as the same story repeats itself again and again etc, its only a matter of time untill they give up completly!!

This perspective is first of all WRONG, because who is to know?! Pehaps the PLAN for you is that it should take X amout of falls before you finish!
This very fall is part of the PLAN!
Not, 'the plan did not work out, lets try the plan again', the opposite is true, the plan IS working out lets get on with it!

(I personaly think this fits in very well with the 2nd step,  We are in G-D's hands whether I will merrit to recovery now or only after X falls is HIS part of the game.)

The first thing one gains with this outlook is that chances are, it wont take too long for you get back on track after a fall.

Also, I have come to learn that the key to motavation in life is succses, motavation is a 'symptom' of succses, the more succsesfull you are you willautomaticly be more motivated, which in turn will lead to more sucsses and so on and so forth!

If so, so long as you view yourself as a failure becuase you fell, you will never have a sense of succses, and then you lack motivation to move on.

Whereas if you consider your fall a succses - not that its the best thing that could happen to you but this is obviously where you ought to be holding -, this then contributes to your motivation, to help succeed further!

Let me know what you think of all the above, and Hatzlocho in the continuation of G-D's PLAAN!

fell shmehl.

keep on trucking.

(I'm filling in for bardichev.  His truck broke down, but I'm pretty sure he'll be here soon.)

hey that raises a big question! where IS barditchev???? ive barely seen him post lately!! is anyone here staying up all night leil hoshana rabba learning torah??? (tonight) anyways im coming to the end of day one. feeling pretty good, im keeping my guard up. im not letting it down.
HS

today images of a lot of past shmutz went through my head, and i really really wanted to have a fall. i think that the fact that even if i start i consider it a fall is helpful for me. it makes it easier to have to start over again. im on day 2 right now and it already feels like forever because of that feeling that the time is going really slowly, it gives me more desire to not fall.
also the the fact that i have a journal or a thread or whatever you want to call it, and people are reading about how im doing (and some people even responding ) besides the fact that all of you are giving me chizuk and advice as i go along, when i have a fall, its kind of embarresing to have to tell people if i had a fall. (not in the fact that i did somethhing strange, cus its not strange, i guess embarresing is not the right word)
gona have to stop here in mid idea, sorry. yom tov is coming.
piska tova
a gut yom tov
all the best
HS

day 5.
yom tov was geshmak! zman simchasenu.! wow!
during dancing all the women watch right? they move the mechitza and its very easy to have a big fall with your eyes. im happy to say that 90% of the time i had control, i have to admit that there were a couple times i looked. but thats always going to be hard. my rav by shalosh shudis made an amazing drasha!:
very basically:
the zohar hakadosh says that the word berieishis is really beis reishis (2 beginings) (skipping a lot) it refers to adam, there was a creation and adam had a fall, and hashem said the day that the fruit is eaten you will die, but adam didnt die right away. rather he did teshua and said mizmor shir le'yom hashabas. and on shabas he had a second creation of after the aveirah. (skipping a lot more) you can possibly say that davis and yosef had the same test except one passed and david failed, if you say that, you are wrong yosef represents the first creation, he controlled himself before the fall. but davids test was to see how he would act AFTER the test. to see if you would use the power of a second creation.

thats very very very basically it. its hard to type all of it.
gut vach....
lets take the insparation of the last week and the last month and apply it to the rest of the year with mashiach tzidkainu!

I would also say that it can be difficult if we say, "from now on, I'm going to be clean forever!"

Of course, that would be great. But we focus on one day at a time. That's all you have to do - one day at a time.

day 6.
there were a couple times today that i saw ladies outside. SOMETIMES (like today) when i see them and then look at the ground so i dont see them it is out of 2nd nature. im not saying that it is second nature, but sometimes it happens out of second nature. but then agin, sometimes i look  out of second nature. anyways, im going back to school tomorrow. so once again, a lot of my "free time" wont be free anymore