Emm, take a peek at this evening's poem in Yechida's Reflections. Youch!

Yesterday was tough and today the Wall Street Journal had nudity on the front cover. (Please don't look at the Journal...I glanced, saw it and now the paper is in the garbage...I did want to read it though  :'()

Don't they realize that we're in recover here!?!?!?! :

I'm realizing that there is information I need after reading some of the more experienced posts. B'ezras Hashem, after Yom Tov I will either join a call or go to SA (thanks Jooboy and Briut!).

I'd like to share a shtikel Torah:

We say in shmona esrei; melech, ozer, u'moshia, u'magen...I have recently begun to interpret those words in the following way:

Melech: You are the King who created the Law we are to follow.
Ozer: You are the One who created the addiction that contradicts that Law, therefore You are the only one who can help me.
U'Moshia: You are the one who grants salvation...please forgive me for all of my previous sins.
U'Magen: You are the one who protected Avrohom during his battles; I need you to protect me, as well.

What do you think?

Have a good shabbos!

Y

Gorgeous! Thanks! The trash can is a fine place for that stuff to be.

It's also important for me to remember that if I am to really expect His free assistance and protection, I might as well also ask Him to assist me in making Him my real employer, too. D'veikus starts at home. 'Home' is where I live - my insides. The simple basic motivations that I carry around with me 24/7 that frame and define everything for me. He will help us get more and more G-d-centered, watch our loads get lighter and lighter, and have more and more to be grateful to Him about.

allaloneontop wrote on 14 May 2010 14:38:


Beautiful shtikl Torah. Thanks. Anything that promises more kavanna during davening, when I'm otherwise SO distracted and irritable as I perceive it, is a good thing.

As to my inspiring you toward SA, surely you mean some OTHER Briut. I'm not anywhere near being an advocate. Somehow I feel that my personal therapy, my therapy with professionals, and my own grit will keep me goin' to the other side. So "they'd" all call me swimming in denial (not the river in Egypt). So in response, I say to "them," "f(orget about) you!" Probably not the nicest reaction (duh), but there I am. I have NOTHING AT ALL AGAINST SA for other folks, if it works for them.

If you just mean that other people's rambling and varied posts might inspire anyone to keep up their difficult but good work, well then maybe I should try that as well. Sounds like fun.

Thanks for your thoughts and for posting, and I hope your shabbos is enlightening (lichtbarreh).

Each day is such a battle in trying to stay true to recovery.

I mean, triggers are everywhere; mamash everywhere.

Yesterday, I took my four boys with me to the baseball game and it was under 60 degrees, so I figured we would be ok...they were really excited to go. This was great family time for us and I was really happy to spend this time with them--something my father never did, but that's for a different forum, correct? ;-).

Anyway, I was at the game and there she was...the yetzer hara all dressed up. She even smiled and waved at me. I thought I was going to pass out based on the way she was dressed and the pent up stuff going on inside of me.

Thank G-d for this forum. I kept saying...I want to be able to honestly hit that update button tomorrow morning...I will not look in her direction...I will stay focused on the game and my boys...it was tough, but I made it. I made it.

Man, I need help.

Going for a complete seven days now...I will daven for you...please daven for me!

Y

The fact that triggers are all over,is definitely very frustrating. Unfortunately,we lead active lifes Baruch Hashem and we just have to do the best we can and keep going forward. Hatzlocho with your day count.

To whom it may concern:

Motzei Shabbos, ironically, has always been tough for me when it comes to this addiction. Many a m"s, somehow my wife and I found it appropriate to rent or watch a movie. The movies were always "clean", b"H my wife is very pure and prudish.

However, after she went to sleep, I would always stay up for awhile and search for pictures of the female lead and proceed to do all that my addiction carries me to do.

So, in an effort to fill that void and follow in the footsteps of some of our great leaders; Dov, Briut, Bards, etc. I have decided to try and write a piece of Torah on this thread every m"s...or in the vernacular of those trying to beat addiction...let me take this one m"s at a time  .

The Meor V'shemesh writes just such a beautiful idea in reference to birchas kohanim. The Torah tells us; "Vayidaber Hashem el Moshe leimor daber el Aharon...ko sivorchu es b'nei Yisroel..." The meforshim explain each time the Torah uses the word vayidaber instead of vayomer. Yet here, both expressions are used first the "dibur" to Moshe and then the "leimor" to Aharon.

R' Klonimus Kalman of Krakow explains fabulously a special lesson for me and I'm sure many other addicts who have searched for proper Rabbinic guidance.

By first using the expression "dibur" the Torah is asking us to actually focus on the switch to "leimor" to emphasise that when speaking "halacha" it is dibur, strict, but when speaking about this mitzvah, there is an aspect of "leimor" or compassion. Because when it comes to blessing others the one who blesses must have "this trait of pure love for his fellow Jew. A love so strong that one soul is connected to the other, one heart connection to the other...rich Jew or poor Jew...lowly Jew or lowliest Jew the one providing the blessing MUST have this trait and with that trait he will be capable of awakening the compassion and kindness straight from the source of all blessing...HaKadosh Baruch Hu."

I have been looking for a Rebbi who can do this. If you have found him, please let me know.

May all of you be zoche one day to find a Rebbi who is capable of blessing you in this way!

Hashem is with all of us.

Love you guys!

Y

Finding a rebbe is not like finding a roofer a lawyer or a tennis coach

The "alef" of chassidus (and I'm sure you know this especially if you learn meor vishamesh)

Is hisbatluss to a rebbe

Yes its hard

Ubber a yid darf a rebbe


Gevaldiggggggggg

Keeeeepontrucking!!

Bards

DEAR brother,
i dont know if i can offer you a fraction of the chizuk and strength i have recived from reading your words, and am a begginer on ghis road to recovery, but please know, that your words have inspired me and built within me strenght and determination, and it is the beautiful neshamot, shining through, like yours, which HBH will break through the difficult time and help you to suceed
remember HBH is always hlding your hand, sometimes you need to squeeze it (ie bring Him closer) to remeber how close he really is to you!

keep on inspiring and i will daven hard for you!

jamies

as the say

keep on trucking lorrieing

bards

To say it's been tough is a major understatement...I know how this movie goes; I've seen it before...I'm good for a while and then the y'h sends small shluchim to do his bidding, then he gets smarter and tougher until I break like a weak twig.

However, the part of the movie here that's different is you. Every one of you that can "know" me and "know" my problems...our problems.

For me, knowing how much I want to be true to the "Stay Clean" click is extremely motivating...I want to climb the chart while being honest to myself and all of you.

Thank you for helping me through this brutal, brutal problem.

Y

allaloneontop wrote on 27 May 2010 16:49:


Aha! Finall! A chick we can all agree to stay true to. The "stay clean chick." Cool.

And I know which kinds of chicks I'll be asking her to take the place of....

Tonight was rough...I'm from Philly originally and I turned on my bbry after shabbos and found out that Roy Halladay had thrown a perfect game. Wanting to check out what the Philly beat writers wrote on the game I went to the Philly website and there she was...a beautiful image for my y"h to feast on...still wanting to read the article I figured that I could click on print mode and the image would go away...I have a good/strong filter, by the way...not sure how that image got through...anyway...she was right there in print mode also so I shut my browser. B"H, I shut that browser and took an important breather before going on.

Let me tell you, before GYE...I would have been burnt toast tonight...but you guys saved me tonight...every one of you.

Thank you.

On Friday, I learned the following shtikel with my chavrusa (even though I work 70-90 hour weeks, I try to end my week with a chavrusa in a beis medrash).

This is the second m"s in a row that I have the zechus to share some Torah with the olam instead of indulging in personal and destructive shtus.

The Torah tells us  that Moshe was to "take" or "kach" the Leviim from the rest of klal yisroel and dedicate them to the service of the Kodesh. Rashi explains that "kach" in the Torah is to tell us that we should convince with words; not force.

Asks the Telzer Rosh HaYeshiva, R' Eliyahu Meir Bloch (need to mix it up a little guys...I was way too chassidus heavy); why did the leviim need convincing? Wouldn't anyone want this opportunity? To be THE CHOSEN among the chosen people?

He answers beautifully with a lesson I think we can all apply to this illness that we are afflicted with:

Even though they knew the greatness of the mitzvha and the responsibility therein; nevertheless it was critical to awaken in their hearts the want. For even in the service of the beis hamikdash, there was danger and difficulty and always they would be in a state of fear of failure and mistake. Therefore it was important to convince them of the positives bring them to happiness; simcha. When one accepts upon himself to do something b'simcha you will always perform that act happily. (Shabbos 130a)

My bracha and hope to all of you...and myself...is that we take upon ourselves the dedication and commitment to Hashem and his Torah, but we do it b'simcha. We live for today and use the experiences from yesterday to help us tomorrow.

Hashem is with us all every step of the way...who can't smile about that!?!?!

Love you guys!

Y

Beautiful!! G'nite!

I'm very sorry that I did not live up to my goal of writing a d'var Torah for M"S this week. However, b"H, I left my laptop at the office and because of the gedorim I have set for myself at home, I pashut had no internet access.

Let me share with you what happened to me last night because of GUE.

Today is Day 29 and all I care about right now is making it to day 30.

You see, I'm in Miami at a hotel traveling for work. Let me tell you, there are triggers mamash everywhere. Usually I travel with a male assistant literally to protect me from doing something that could publicly embarrass my company. They don't realize it (he does), but that's why I have him come and he charitably shares a room with me.

Unfortunately, his own responsibilities required him to be in Louisville last night and I didn't think I would make it. I had already conceded. However, during a moment of sanity I said the prayer I hear everyone say...please Hashem, just help me get through today. Just help me not fall. Well, He did. He was there as he always is. He made sure that I could survive the day.

Say the prayer. He's there with us. Trust me, if I could make it through a night alone in Miami anyone can make it.

Let's make it to 30!

Y