When self-psycho-analysis and addiction obsession set in, I decided to leave GYE for a while to calm down and see if I could handle myself on my own. The short story is that for now I still can't.

It's been a few months full of ups and downs (unfortunately, many downs), but I'm happy I took them, because I now know how to face the addiction solo (though knowing I am NotAlone ), how to refrain from obsessing over it even while I am in a clean streak, and how to keep out of a depressive cycle after a fall. I've decided that it's time for a conclusive push to, be"h, hit 90 and beyond.

Here I go!

Gevaldigggggg

KEEP ON TRUCKING!!

Do you get the daily chizuk e-mails and read them? Today I'm gonna post something from Dov that can really help give some good perspective and advice.

Guard:
I don't read them every day, but I do when I already feel weak. If I force myself to think about my addiction through regularly reading the mails, it depresses me and puts me in greater danger of falling than I would have been in if I had been spending time doing my normal daily tasks instead of contemplating my weaknesses. An addiction is the kind of thing that has no power as long as you forget about it.

Okay, checking in as I must every once in a while.

It's 8 days and the (what I've learned to be) regular withdrawal cycle is kicking. Luckily (or unluckily, depending on how you look at it), it's a foe I know well, so I'll just truck on through it.

On another note, with sefira I've got another cause for inspiration to beat the addiction, and a way to improve myself in other areas to boot. May Hashem help me and all of us have a successful, rewarding and uplifting sefira cycle.

90 here I come!

Checking in again.

I'm over the 2 week mark.

Today has been a particularly difficult day so far, with a small slip, but thankfully no falls yet. Nevertheless I am confident that I'll make it through. I feel like today's the "fulcrum" day through which I can tip the balance and have another couple of easy weeks.

Hoping for the best for all.

Well it looks like that was the 'fulcrum' that took me to 5 weeks. However, I fell last Tuesday...

The lust absolutely took me over, and I could not stop it. I was completely helpless and pathetic. I think (I hope) that that day was not my fault, and was simply a test from Hashem of my bounceback ability. I started the next day clean immediately, and have so far (almost 4 days) kept myself from falling into a 'dirty' cycle as I usually do when I slip off of a clean streak.

Davening that this lasts,

NotAlone

Hey - I haven't been following your thread, but I'm glad to hear that you're back up and staying clean. Please keep us posted, and let us know how you're doing - and also, how you're feeling!