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Scientific studies show that it takes 90 days to break an addictive pattern in the mind. Start your own Log of your journey to 90 days! Post here to update us on your status and to give each other chizuk to stay strong!
TOPIC: Noora BAmaram's Journey and Journal 25577 Views
Re: Noora BAmaram's Journey and Journal 22 Feb 2010 02:22 #54682
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Noorah BAmram wrote on 08 Jun 2009 20:46:
Dearest Brothers in Arms, Permit me to share a recent fall and what I learned from it. I was at that time clean for months and months, this was prior to having found the GUE network and was not counting days nor did i have a sobriety date. Why should I be counting days? a choshver yid such as myself is not an addict! How wrong I was!!!. I though that I was permanently cured and my previous falls were a thing of the past, a bad dream. How wrong I was!!! At that time I just completed a major project at work and was on a tremendous HIGH from it, both from a spiritual aspect and a professional aspect. My davenings there were with a feeling of real connection with Hashem, all my tefilos were with a minyan, I was keeping my sedorim etc.. Then all of a sudden WHAM BAM the baal duver was back with such an awesome ferociousness, I didn't know what hit me. Each subsequent fall gets worse in intensity and duration). all of a sudden an ice coldness in my yiddishkiet overtook me, like I just completely and utterly shut down spiritually. {akin to a computer virus that completely shuts down the whole system} Of course i had to go thru the motions for the sake of my wife and children, it was sheer torture. Imagine having to conduct a purim seudah or pesach seder or even a shabbos seudah in such a situation, when the wife and kids are looking to me to set the ruach/spirit of the yom and I'm just coming off a spectacular month long visit to the menuvel"s finest p**n sites :'(. I wanted to run but had nowhere to go. :'( was looking at my old posts and deeply fear the the same thing shouldn't happen to me again. Complacency + depression + stress = Disaster for me  need to strengthen myself remain vigilant + upbeat + reach-out to friends = battle won today ;D ;D ;D listening to MBD אל תתיאש ....אל תתיאש ....מהשם תבקש what an uplifting song חנני השם.... רפאני... הושיעיני השם אלוקי באהבת עולם נורא הקטן |
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[b]כי שבע יפול צדיק וקם[/b]
A Tzadik is he who continues to bounce back after he hits bottom, even a hundred times !!!!!Rav Don Segal Shlita |
Re: Noora BAmaram's Journey and Journal 22 Feb 2010 02:38 #54685
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"Off the 18-wheeler and fine on this tricycle!", "I do not particularly care exactly which "lav" suicide is. I'm not interested in it for other reasons...and you are probably the same."
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Re: Noora BAmaram's Journey and Journal 23 Feb 2010 19:28 #55023
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Here is another great quote from General Eisenhower - this was right after he got his fifth star and the Germans went on offensive known as the famous Battle of the Bulge (the real one not the one that i have daily in the morning with my belt-buckle ;D ;D ;D)
"Every time I get a new star, I get attacked." could be its the same with us...... ביקש יעקב לישב בשלוה מיד קפצה עליו רוגזו של יוסף perhaps יוסף alludes to the midah of יוסף, the midah of יסוד - the battle that we are all fighting, the war we are so fiercely waging  Remember the lesson of General Eisenhower, every-time we get a "star", the menuval will attack .... that is his JOB until the end of time  Fiery Love to all Noorah the little |
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[b]כי שבע יפול צדיק וקם[/b]
A Tzadik is he who continues to bounce back after he hits bottom, even a hundred times !!!!!Rav Don Segal Shlita |
Re: Noora BAmaram's Journey and Journal 23 Feb 2010 19:34 #55025
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Re: Noora BAmaram's Journey and Journal 24 Feb 2010 12:27 #55163
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Re: Noora BAmaram's Journey and Journal 24 Feb 2010 19:46 #55257
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if I"m wrapped up in myself, how I feel, im so down.... im in a terrible rut, slump, blues blah blah etc....... if its all about I I I I me me me there is no way that I I I I me me me wont lust. Period! if on the other hand my focus is on being of service to others, what can i do to help others to say a kind word to someone. to just listen to people to be a listening ear. (why do people pay $200.00 per hour for a therapist? who else will listen!!) when i listen with empathy and focus on another person then i"m a giver not a taker lust and giving are mutually exclusive let me start to listen to my wife, actually listen and care what she's saying (tall order for me ) hear what my children are saying, what they r really saying! whats underneath it all, what their fears are ...not just shooting off my pat answers to what I think they are saying. the sun shines bright when I stop focusing inward and instead start to slowly focusing outward ....lust simply start's to dissipate like the the melting snow from which actual rivers of love and kindness will flow not living like a selfish clod like a parasite. I think this is this is one the Rebbbe Reb Dov's big yesodos and im grateful to him for sharing and one of the great lessons that i picked up on GYE, O Hashem grant the strength to internalize this great simple truth and put into practice.... Noorah |
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[b]כי שבע יפול צדיק וקם[/b]
A Tzadik is he who continues to bounce back after he hits bottom, even a hundred times !!!!!Rav Don Segal Shlita |
Re: Noora BAmaram's Journey and Journal 24 Feb 2010 23:37 #55349
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Re: Noora BAmaram's Journey and Journal 25 Feb 2010 00:40 #55360
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Yeah, we are funny like that, IT25, aren't we? Nice to hear I'm not that wierd...
Noorah - It seems to take a long time to change at all. Like being reminded 250-500 times over the course of a year or two, that taking the actions of love for others, and being useful to Hashem and His people is the only way we are truly free. It takes repetition, time, and more repetition and more time. The ones who want a quick fix (not you) are the ones that give up and go off looking for laser pointers to stay in their daled amos...and stay the same forever. Oops, I'm getting crabby and judgemental again....  Love you, too. Dov |
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"Off the 18-wheeler and fine on this tricycle!", "I do not particularly care exactly which "lav" suicide is. I'm not interested in it for other reasons...and you are probably the same."
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Re: Noora BAmaram's Journey and Journal 18 Mar 2010 05:51 #58792
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Re: Noora BAmaram's Journey and Journal 18 Mar 2010 21:12 #58867
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Only Thru the Kindness of Hashem am still climbing the ladder one rung at a time, one day at a time
fiery love to all Noorah הקטן |
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[b]כי שבע יפול צדיק וקם[/b]
A Tzadik is he who continues to bounce back after he hits bottom, even a hundred times !!!!!Rav Don Segal Shlita |
Re: Noora BAmaram's Journey and Journal 18 Apr 2010 14:56 #61760
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Dearest Holiest Chevrah,
April 8th marks one year for me – I hesitated to post this for I firmly believe that ONLY the Almighty in His infinite kindness protected me every day and every second of the day and no kudos are due to me nor are any bravos are in order ---rather a seudas hodah shall I make מה אשיב להשם כל תגמולהי -עלי כוס ישועות אשא (and of course a cup of Woodfrod shall I raise ובשם השם אקרא The only reason I post this, is out of a tremendous debt of gratitude- a debt that can never ever be repaid - to Rabeinu Guard and all the holy chevrah on the forum, who intentionally and unintentionally, knowingly and unknowingly have brought me to this point. I pray that I do not fall prey to any illusions or fantasies of security and complacency , for I have been here before and have spectacularly descended to the deepest regions of HELL!!! ממעקים קראתיך השם -From the depths of my soul, I scream and I cry, I BEG AND I PLEAD .............PLEASE HASHEM ......MY FATHER IN HEAVEN עד הנה עזרונו רחמיך ולא עזבונו חסדיך- ואל תטשינו ה' אלוקינו לנצח With the utmost of humility נורא הקטן מבית עמרם |
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[b]כי שבע יפול צדיק וקם[/b]
A Tzadik is he who continues to bounce back after he hits bottom, even a hundred times !!!!!Rav Don Segal Shlita |
Re: Noora BAmaram's Journey and Journal 18 Apr 2010 16:35 #61763
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Re: Noora BAmaram's Journey and Journal 18 Apr 2010 17:55 #61772
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Re: Noora BAmaram's Journey and Journal 18 Apr 2010 20:39 #61788
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[b]כי שבע יפול צדיק וקם[/b]
A Tzadik is he who continues to bounce back after he hits bottom, even a hundred times !!!!!Rav Don Segal Shlita |
Re: Noora BAmaram's Journey and Journal 18 Apr 2010 20:43 #61789
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No one is so small that he can not give help, and no one is so big that he doesn't need it.
Kol HaOlam Kulo, Gesher Tzar Meod, V'HaIkkar: Lo L'Pacheid Klal. |
