B"H I am feeling better. Not just better than before but I actually had a glimmer of a real boost in Ruchniyus that I have not felt in a long time. I was having a discussion in learning on Shabbos and I found myself being able to recall things in a way that I have not been able to do in years! If this is a benefit of removing all of the Tumah from my life, I feel truly blessed.

I must say, There is nothing like having a bad day to bring out an outpouring of Chizuk from everyone. I have to do that more often  ;D. Thank you so much!

Hoping teireh neshoma,
I'm so happy to hear that things are begginging to brighten at your end!
Bardichev posted a story to the effect that in this skyscraper for the first few floors. We have to climb and climb the steps one at a time, and they feel endless and we start to get discouraged, saying "I'm not gonna make it", then all of a sudden we find the elevator that whisks us all the waaaay up to the TOP of our very own skyscraper;)!!!

May we all get into the elevators!!
With a fiery love to a fellow struggler
NB

I am at day 30 whch is definitely a good frst step.
I am pretty sure, however, that I must use this newfound time of separation from lust as a springboard for real change in my life. I have come to realize that even the relatively mild level of my addiction is representative of many significant underying issues that must be adddressed if I intend to stay sober permanently. I risk the danger of thinking "I'm cured!" which will surely be a recipe for disaster. I know that Guard says that we should try the tips in order, but I don't think that I can stop before making changes at the very deepest levels of my person. It is almost more difficult to be commited to these necessary changes while I am not acting out. I have joined Boruch's 12 step program and I hope that this will provide the proper structure for the change which I need to implement.

Dearest Noorah - As London reminds us, the elevator is really broken. But don't worry, Hashem makes some steps count for a lot more growth than they look!! - Dov

Dov,
The elevator is not broken.  You just have to step inside for it to work.  But this takes commitment.  But seriously, I think at this point we have all realized that everyone's struggles are different and everyone's recovery is different.  From what I read of your posts, it seems that your elevator is working, B"H.

Hoping,
As we like to say, "Fixing the addiction is not about getting one away from the aveiros but from creating a new person within yourself". B"H, you realize that.

But, it is important to understand that you need to live this every waking and sleeping moment of your day.  Breaking free should  be at the forefront of your mind.  It is not just 2 hours of your week.  This is not a class that you attend twice a week.  This is your life now until you begin to feel internal change.  Wherever you are you should review the step that you are holding on.  You need to internalize each step.  During my first 40 days of accelerated recovery, I was so intense about this recovery. I put so many parts of my life on hold so that I can address myself properly.  I have used the 12 steps, albeit in a very different fashion than it was intended for.  I have been blessed with no urges and nisyonos for close to 150 days, B"H.  But I still work on uprooting inner emotions. I look deep within and deal with my inner self. My focus is not about the addiction.  B"H, I have broken that cycle very easily.  But I am focused on changing myself.  But this requires commitment.   

Begin by writing out the the parts of you that require alteration.  Obviously, the first issue that comes to mind is lack of self control. This bothered me to no end.  How in the world did I not have control?  By discussing  this (with myself) I was able to start to change that aspect of me.  This is in fact how Rav Dessler dealt with his own addiction to smoking. Very inspiring to read. 

The most helpful thing for me was creating a daily routine that revolved around recovery. I set aside 45min - 1 hour a day to focus on important things that I felt were required.  I spent part of the time expressing all my emotions through tehillim.  But the point was this was real to me. 

Believe in change and put in the efforts.  Do not rely on others alone; take the advice of others, use your sechel to internalize what is right for you.  If your truly desire this and you put in all your efforts, IY"H, Hashem will answer your call, and you will see miracles within a few short days.

But remember. Daven! Daven! Daven! Relying on Hashem, means davening.  Daven to Hashem to remove the urges from your heart.  And daven that if C"V you have those urges, you get the strength and wisdom to free yourself from them. 

You should be zoche to change that person within yourself and begin to become your true self.

Lover of All Jews,
Yaakov

Where can I find this story about R' dessler and smoking?

the elevator was never broken

some people thought they ARRIVED when it stopped at the first floor

b

I am just posting to let you know that I will be leaving tomorrow for a few days and hope to update after Shabbos. The place that I will be going to has unfiltered internet access and I plan on staying away from the internet completely. I can't risk getting into trouble. I will also be faced for the first time since I started posting with the challenge of keeping away from triggers in an environment where it is considered normal to interact with women, some of whom are not Tznuos. I have to keep in mind what Chazal say that it is better to be called a shotah in the eyes of humans for a lifetime.... Surely being considered unfriendly is not as bad, even if it may hurt some people's feelings. Please daven for my Hatzlacha!

hoping wrote on 29 Jun 2009 23:23:

Michatv M'eliyahu Chelek 1: page 79,111,225.

If you do not have access to the sefer, I could translate it for you here.  He addresses why people (including himself) continue to smoke even though they feel terrible chest pains from smoking and know full well the harm. In each place he gives a different perspective on the addiction.   

hoping wrote on 30 Jun 2009 18:59:


Aye caramba!

I'll give you my cellphone # - just give me the word in a PM. If one has nobody else safe around who understands, just calling to admit what crazy idea is waltzing through the brain often makes the difference between success and failure. "We are not saints." - (AA, 5th ch)
Love,
Dov

Hoping to hear from you!

I am happy to report that I had a wonderful weekend. In the beginning when I got to the country,I was triggered to fall back into the same bad patterns as previous years. It took quite a bit of energy to resist, but after that B"H I was not put into any compromising situations. Now I have to focus on creating a schedule during the week while my family is away that will keep me around people so that the loneliness factor won't overwhelm me. I must say that it was refreshing that I was not thinking about the garbage that I could do when I came home. I was actually anxious to come back so I would be able to update my thread. What a difference!

PS Thank you Dov

Just noticed that my chart wasn't updated . Maaybe I wasn't clear on the thread. B'H I am at 36 days.

I didn't see this post of yours last night when I updated (Motzai Shabbos) since it was still Shabbos in the U.S.

I updated your chart now. Mazal tov on hitting LEVEL 4!!

Hey, I'm jealous about Dov 

Yesterday was my first day while my family  was away. What an eye-opener when I was faced with all those hours that I have wasted in the past years in the pursuit of garbage. I worked on creating a daily regimen (especially for the nights) that will take me to the minute I go to sleep. Meanwhile, I have privately started my own one-day-at-a-time count for days that I am alone.  I will need special Siyata Dishmaya during this time. :-\